What's Causing the Thought Engine to Sputter

Right now, Academia is beating the snot out of me like a red-headed stepchild. That's OK, I'm used to rolling with the punches. It doesn't mean I like it, though.

I would also give most of my possessions and maybe a limb to know what's in store for me after school (and how I can avoid it if it's bad...) but God likes his secrets.

The loneliness thing is merely icing on the cake, really. Not nearly as much as a problem as my academic ones, because people aren't investing time and money into my love life (but lacking a love life is easy to wax poetic about, so that's what I write about most). But my grandparents and my mother have devoted themselves to the cause, and I don't want to waste anyone's time/money.

So when Chinese sucks, Structure 1 sucks, and Surficial Processes sucks, I have a serious problem on my hands. I need to know if I have picked the wrong major, am just going through a tough spot in my major, or need to man up, take the thumb out of my mouth, and do the work. My natural inclination is to pick the last one but never do it. Hooray for self-destructive thought processes.

So now you know the crux of the issue. Yes, I want to be useful, and do meaningful pursuits. I also want to do a good job. I take a lot of pride in my work. So when I'm not doing a good job, I take it personally (even if people don't accuse me or anything). In some ways, I'm still in "welding" mode. The only difference is that my work is not as tangible as a steel beam holding the roof over little kids in a new school, it's some stupid lab paper in Structure class that doesn't mean a DAMN thing.



Have you ever seen The Incredibles? It's an awesome movie. If you haven't seen it, drop what you're doing and go rent it. Right now. I'll be waiting.

...now that you're back, I was getting ready to say that I feel like Mr. Incredible after he's been forced to go underground and work a humiliating job at an insurance agency instead of going out and saving the world like he's used to. I want that feeling of doing something TANGIBLE again.

Mr. Incredible at is insurance adjusting job.

The worship ministry is a part of that need. But make no mistake, it isn't merely something to make me feel useful about myself; God's work has consistently been the most rewarding thing I have ever done. It goes beyond saying "I helped people". It is like "I helped people for a greater purpose that is so awesome I can scarcely comprehend it, and I did it for a God who is so uncompromisingly good and loving that it sends shivers down my spine to think about him".

That is awesome. I hope that maybe someday the drudgery that I do today will translate in to works for the Lord someday.