A Glance at the True Self

Here's a strange question: Have you ever looked in the mirror and been able to see yourself objectively, as other people see you? I mean, there's the mug you're used to looking at every morning and when you're dressing up for an event, but have you ever had a split second moment where the you standing in front of the mirror isn't you and you're able to see the reflection in the mirror as a separate person? It's happened to me a couple of times. I have also spent some time staring at myself in the mirror (not recently, but when I was younger). If I let my pathetic excuse for facial hair grow out and then shave it a while later, I don't entirely recognize myself in the mirror (which is a really creepy feeling actually). I imagine that if I shaved my head and looked in the mirror I might not recognize myself there, either (and probably not for weeks).

Sometimes, you can get a glimpse of that in the spiritual sense, too. A friend of mine recently posted a quote from a book he finished called "Freedom of Simplicity" by Richard Foster on his blog. When I read it, it was like seeing myself objectively in the mirror again. Commentary in brackets is mine.

"This stage is one of great honesty and sincerity, but it is not yet true simplicity. 'Sincerity is a virtue below simplicity,' said Fenelon. The reason is easy to see. The sincere have a deep concern for honesty and truth. Rectitude, fidelity, conscientiousness, impeccability - these all mark the sincere. And although all of these are great virtues, they have a certain self-consciousness about them: a concern to do right, TO BE RIGHT [emphasis mine], to look right. Of the sincere, Fenelon says, 'They are always studying themselves, going over all their words and all their thoughts, and going back over all they have done, afraid of having said or done too much.' [so very true of me...especially now that I've written what is it, 4 massive notes now?]

The sincere are not yet simple. They have a kind of artificial rigor that makes us feel uncomfortable, though we cannot fault the virtue. They put us on edge and make us feel ill at ease. [This is something that I am totally blind to and need people to tell me about] This often concerns us because they seem so spiritual, so determined to know God. [I am :) ] We wonder if our discomfort stems from a resistance to God and his way. In reality, however, it is due to the fact that these deeply committed folk are trying too hard. [I'll get to that in a minute] They lack the ease, freedom, and naturalness that mark true interior simplicity. We would prefer less perfect people who are more at ease with themselves."

It seems to me that Foster has summed up my condition, and how I probably affect people better than I ever could.

I have one quibble with this guy's assessment (and it isn't directly of me, so I don't take it personally or anything like that). He says that I am trying too hard. I wish that I had this book so that I could look at this passage in context. Nevertheless, I am going to make lemonade out of lemons and try to address this. Here is my question: What does he mean by "trying too hard"? I could say that Paul, who went through quite a bit in his walk, "tried too hard". If that is what the author means, than there is something seriously wrong with that statement. Due to the context of the "trying too hard" thing in the passage, I am inclined to believe that he is saying that we can "try too hard" to want to know God. My tendency is to reject that notion. My whole life is devoted to "knowing" God. But even now semantics rears its ugly head. Does he mean "know" as in knowledge, or "know" the way the Bible says that "Adam knew Eve"? The former is impossible. We can never "know", in the scientific sense or understanding sense, God. However, in the sense of intimacy and love, we can know God, the way I know some of you who are my close friends. I can know what he wants and expects from me, what he thinks of me, what he desires. I know from scripture the desires of the Lord's heart, and they are all beautiful.

As I have said before, I will not apologize for loving or wanting to love, but my methods could always use improvement. And my attitude. The description above seems to have this overall sense of impatience. I think that this also is a great struggle of mine, and one that the Lord is trying to correct in me. Three times now a Psalm has been affirmed to me that God wants me to understand and follow. The first was in the previous note; the second was at a worship meeting at my friend Brian's house; the third time it came not through me but from my dear pastor Bo Matthews at Brandywine Valley Baptist Church this past Sunday. He told us a bit about his life story and confessed to having desires as a boy that are close to my heart now. In his teaching he covered Psalm 31 and linked that to how the Lord has guided his life with a very specific purpose and has also given him the desires of the heart he had as a young man. And he offered Psalm 31:24 as a comfort at the end. Well, that was it. I know what I am supposed to do now.

Looking at the Psalms, I realize that the Psalm the Lord lead me to and the one Bo quoted were actually two different ones, but with almost the same ending:

"Wait for the Lord; be strong, and take heart, and wait for the Lord"
Psalm 27:14 (What the Lord led me to)

"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord"
Psalm 31:24 (What Bo used in his teaching)

Peace in Christ,

-David

You Can Lead a Horse to Water...

Having no current work has given me a lot of time to think, which often translates into these mile-long notes- and the next thing I have thought of after talking about all of this stuff regarding family is how I react to my Christian family that I have been placed in.

I find myself trying incredibly hard to get these Christian people to like me. For the first time, I have found people who I actually CARE what they think about me and try to constantly justify myself to them. I love my new family that God has placed me in, but I feel like there's a lot of catching up to do. I want people to know me. I want people to understand me. I want people to want to love me, not just because "God says so" but because I am actually a lovable person. Maybe I want to avoid grace as much as possible. That could be. But I also feel like being in this Christian family is like being a kid in a candy store for someone like me who wants to have deep and honest relationships. And so I spend a lot of energy try to explain myself and put myself out there through notes like this and so on. The problem is that I do things like this, I tell people that they are my friend and can come to me for anything, and nobody comes to me. Sometimes I am even told that I am so by another, and yet when something is wrong I am entrusted to nothing. This used to be a complaint, but now for me it's more a statement of fact than anything else, I've come to accept it.

So I've been going for a while now wondering why that is. I suspect there are reasons on the part of the recipient and also the sender (me).

The body of Christ is a family. Yet, there are a lot of people who do not treat it as such. I think one of the biggest problems here is that I think there are many people who do not see the body of Christ as a family. Perhaps they are afraid to become close to people because their first family was destroyed, or they were hurt by someone else they were in close fellowship to. Perhaps they are not saved and do not really know what it means to be bound to one another in the spirit, united by a love of God, each other and His purpose. Perhaps they already have friends and family and do not want for anything, and so they do not see addressing the church as a family as something that is necessary. They can afford to stand apart.

These people are no less of a problem than I am- because I have my own flaws. I am a person who loves zealously. That works GREAT for loving God- you can never love Him enough and he'll always accept your love- but people are a little different. I am a person who came into this fellowship here and got exactly what I wanted (hence the kid in a candy store example above). The thing is, some people need time to get close. Some people do not jump into the pool all at once (I do). I don't understand those people :D, but I have to accept the fact that that is how they react to this whole family thing. So, I think, when someone like me comes along writing mini-novels and tagging people with reckless abandon, I suspect that there are probably a few people who are turned off by that kind of behavior. Perhaps a couple of those people have been tagged in this note.

I can't change how people react. I can't change other people. I can pray for them- but I can't change them. So there is not much I can do about people who do not receive love or honesty well. I could probably write exhaustively (in the sense that it would probably exhaust the reader) about how they could fix that issue, but I feel right now that is not something that is my place to give a thorough treatment on. I will say that perhaps those people need to honestly look at themselves, see the fear and find a way to vanquish it...and we know from scripture that perfect love drives out fear. There is only one source of perfect love, and that is God. Therefore, when we are afraid, me must go to God and ask him to drive away our fears. That is a very convenient thing for somebody from my point of view to say, given that I'm usually the guy wanting his love to be accepted, but I will also say that I also have to accept that I may not necessarily be the person that the recipient needs to be close to.

What I can change is how I express my love to people. In a word, I need discernment. Instead of just...blasting people with love, I need to gauge whether or not a person can handle the amount of openness I'm going to give them. I also need to be patient, and not force the issue by giving them something they are not ready to handle. And, perhaps the most challenging thing for me, accept that there are some who will not love me to the degree that I love them. Ouch. Just saying that to me is like hugging a cactus or playing catch with a sea urchin. In many ways, this is like dealing with people who are not saved. Open engagement and debate, calling people out- a lot of times that shuts people down, causes them to lock up.

You can lead a horse to water...but you can't make it drink. That is something that I need to grasp and accept. Sometimes, it's a very difficult thing to do, because you love someone so much, but have to sit there and let them not allow themselves to be loved. A while ago, people tried to love me and I rejected them. I suspect that this caused them to wish that I would allow them to love me and help but I would not. How many people do you know that you wish with all of your being that they would accept Christ into their lives, but all you can do is wait? You can lead a horse to water...but you can't make it drink.

I will not apologize for wanting to be loved and to be known, but I will apologize if I have ever written things that, instead of helping you open up to being loved by your new family have caused you to shrink back instead. I apologize if I have ever made you wonder if you HAVE to share private things because I wish that you would reciprocate, or if I told you things you would rather not have known (the infamous "overshare"). I apologize if I have ever made myself seem uncaring about other people's needs and boundaries by throwing them things in their lap they did not want (i.e. giving you trust that you weren't ready for). I apologize if I have tried so hard to justify myself to you that I whipped the quills out like a porcupine even before you asked any questions. I do that not because I want to fight, but because I value your opinion so much that I do not want you to think I haven't thought things through or that am foolish (which I am anyway). If you are someone to whom these apologies were necessary and do not want me tagging you in notes anymore, please send me a private message saying so. The David Hynes Fan Club is a volunteer only organization, and I intend to keep it that way ;D .

To everyone else...thanks for accepting me in all of my desperate times of madness, and dealing with me in grace and love. Thank you for calling me out, and not putting up with my BS. Perhaps most of all, thank you for accepting my offerings of love. I will try not to make you regret it.

Peace in Christ,

-David

Cutting My Bloodlines- The Kingdom and The World

In this two-part series of notes I'm trying to get down to this issue: How do I deal with my family?

So far I have taken an honest look about how I feel about my family of "blood and marriage" and have found out some scary things about what I think and want. I want separation...bad. I also established that in coming here, I have been given a new family, the Kingdom of Heaven, my Brothers and Sisters in Christ. There now lies a tension between my two families: My family of the World and my family of the Kingdom.

I want to sweep aside my emotions and nettlesome thoughts and questions and really look at how GOD wants me to handle this thing. So I'm going to start with Scripture. I am finding out more and more that the Bible is a book of tensions, and that our faith is a balancing act.

The first thing I came across was 1 Timothy 5:3-4. I know the context isn't exactly right, because Paul is talking about taking care of widows, but he says this:

"But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God."

Furthermore, Jesus says in Mark 7:9-13 that "You have a fine way of setting aside the commandments of God in order to observe your own traditions! For Moses said 'Honor your father and mother,' and 'anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.' But you say that if a man says to his father or mother: 'Whatever help you might have received from me is Corban' (that is, a gift devoted to God), then you no longer let him do anything for his father or mother. Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down."

So what is being said in this scripture is that you should not abandon your family, but take care of them when they need help. That makes sense, and is something that I have been willing to do, though I am more the one in need than anyone else in the financial sense. However, aside from respecting your parents and family, the Bible seems to say little in the way of your proximity to them or involvement with them. There are also some other counterbalancing factors at work here:

"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn 'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter in law against her mother in law- a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.' " Matthew 10:34-36

Woah. Not your typical Christmas-ey holiday cheer explanation for Christ's birth, huh. But he keeps going-

"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." Matthew 10:37-39

This is an interesting and personal verse for me. I used to love my dad more than God for a very significant amount of time, and it has only been in the last few years of my life that I have learned to love God above all others. But this verse is basically saying to me that you have to put God and his calling first and above everything else. But God will not call you to leave your family- or would he?

"Peter said to him, 'We have left everything to follow you!'

'I tell you the truth,' Jesus replied, 'No one has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and fields- and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.' " Mark 10:28-31

"God sets the lonely in families" Psalm 68:6

I have found that those past two selections are very true. The fellowship I have received because of my faith has blessed me immensely more than even what I had before (which, I am going to be honest, never felt like much at all).

So, I suppose my question then should be, what am I being called to? Am I being called away from my family? My instincts say yes. I have been miraculously brought here to college (ask me to tell you the story some time), which is away from my family (sort of), and the Lord has clearly blessed it. I just checked my grades from this semester from my first helping of serious Geology classes, and I can see that I have been blessed there and also in my Chinese language course. I feel a desire to do missions work in China or Taiwan and while I have not yet received a direct affirmation of this goal, God has been answering my prayers to help me grasp the language, which is a sign to me it means something to him that I can speak the language. Or maybe God is allowing me to have the desires of my heart. I am not sure.

So if I am called away, I should go (and will go happily, because where I have gone in faith I have been blessed and loved). At the same time, I must give my family the respect they deserve and not abandon them when they need help. That seems fair. I think that my sensitivity regarding this issue really is that I want to be independent, I want to be a man who makes his own decisions and I want people to respect that. The next step of my life is that I leave my father and mother to become one flesh with someone else (Gen 2:24). I need to be able to do that, and I feel that escaping the gravity of my family is essential for that purpose. A lot of times I feel like a fly in a spider's web.

I think that the solution to this is that I become more patient. I think this goes back to the thing I have mentioned before: I'm looking ahead too much. Again.

So I think that I will finish this with scripture that seems particularly apt.

"I am still confident in this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
- Psalm 27:13-14

Peace in Christ,

-David

Cutting My Bloodlines- The Problem

The holidays, for the most part, are over. Today I have talked to some good friends who I haven't seen in a bit and am looking forward to seeing more. Uncertain as to what to do with myself, I experiment with my new wah pedal and in a delusion of grandeur driven by the euphoria I get from making cool new sounds with old chord progressions I imagine playing crazy funk music from the 70's. In the quiet after my distortion addled guitar playing slows down, my thoughts turn again to family, to this holiday time.

Like my first note about Friendship and the fear of losing it, this note is one that starts on the surface and cuts deeper and deeper...because I'm not interested in wasting people's time with all of the crap on the surface and the " 'Howdy David, How Are You Doing?' 'I'm doing just fine thank you very much' " type nonsense we spout endlessly to each other's faces while beneath it our secret concerns and fears writhe in our hearts like worms.

I have been troubled this holiday season. My definition of what a family is has been challenged. My love for my family has been challenged (by myself).

What is a family? The American Heritage Dictionary defines a family as

n. pl. fam·i·lies

1. A fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children.

2. Two or more people who share goals and values, have long-term commitments to one another, and reside usually in the same dwelling place.

3. A group of like things; a class.

4. A group of individuals derived from a common stock: the family of human beings.

2. All the members of a household under one roof.

3. A group of persons sharing common ancestry. See Usage Note at collective noun.

4. Lineage, especially distinguished lineage.

5. A locally independent organized crime unit, as of the Cosa Nostra.

1. A group of like things; a class.

2. A group of individuals derived from a common stock: the family of human beings.

What does the Scripture say about families? What are they?

Family is totally referenced to in the bloodline sense in the Old Testament. In the New Testament, Christ radically alters the idea of what a family is in Mark 3:31-34:

31Then Jesus' mother and brothers arrived. Standing outside, they sent someone in to call him. 32A crowd was sitting around him, and they told him, "Your mother and brothers are outside looking for you." 33"Who are my mother and my brothers?" he asked. 34Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, "Here are my mother and my brothers! 35Whoever does God's will is my brother and sister and mother."

There is another version of the same thing in Luke, the book of the Gospel my bible study has gone through recently (chapter 8 verse 20 or something like that). This definition has shaken me up and made me realize some things about how I feel regarding holidays and holiday breaks.

You see, I can't stand them (the holiday breaks). The reason has to do with what I see as a family. As I have been here at school, developing in close fellowship with many Brothers and Sisters in Christ, it has become ever apparent to me where my true family is and where my true home is. My home is here. My family is here. And when holidays and breaks come, my family goes away, and I am forced to spend time with strangers who do not know me or people I know all too well and would avoid were we not bound by blood or marriage. My actual family goes away and I am alone with this "real" one.

This realization of how I have felt on the inside and why it is I felt that way has strangely turned everything on its head to me. What is my "family" then, the one that I am bound to through marriages and blood? Are they people who I need no longer deal with? Some kind of vestigial appendix-like group of people who can be cut away and forgotten? Sometimes, I really wish it were true. Have you ever fantasized about being married and letting your significant other have his/her family there but totally no one from yours? I have. Ever thought about how great it would be to disappear, change your phone number, your address, you email, move somewhere far away, get married, and raise a family without anyone else in your blood family knowing? I have. If I ever have a partner, I dread the day of introducing her to my family. I don't want them to have anything to do with my family that I make. This isn't bragging. This isn't anything to be talking about to people publicly like this. This is sad. This shouldn't be how I think about my family, but God help me it is.

My family is a reminder of a past that I was all to eager to leave behind me when I went to college. When I went to school, I went eagerly, hoping that THIS time things would be finally different, the cords would be cut. In many ways I am disappointed and more than a little outraged that I cannot escape that cultural gravity that draws me back every year kicking, and screaming. And I'm a damn American! America, more than any country, is a place where families are very separate, but no, it's not enough for me. I couldn't imagine being from any other culture where family is EVERYTHING. I think I would truly go nuts if I had to go back to being close to my family all of the time. I'd wind up on the way to the loony bin in a straight jacket, foaming at the mouth as I went.

I had an epiphany even more jarring than my realization that what I have that most people call a "family" but is not actually my real family at all. It was the realization that my "family" of blood and marriage loves me in many ways, but in the case of many people I do not love them back. At all. That is a serious problem, from a practical standpoint as a human being who exists in a social network, but more importantly as a Christian who knows he is supposed to let the love of Christ shine.

I am not sure what to do about that. I mean, oh yes, there is the obvious "right" answer of seeing my family as an opportunity to show God's love and all of that. But I don't even want to BE there. I want to find every excuse I can to get the hell out of Dodge.

I am a very loyal person. I'm like a dog in human flesh as far as that is concerned, but like a dog I give my loyalty to the ones who feed me tasty table scraps and scratch me behind the ears. And nobody gives better food or scratches better than the family of heaven. Nobody. Keep in mind here I'm not talking about people just giving me what I want, but giving me what I need, which is love, so I guess my dog example wasn't perfect....or maybe it was, because my loyalty can be conditional. Anyway, when I go back to a place where people, frankly, suck at loving each other, it's no wonder that, like a dog, I want to get outta there and run away. There's a song by Audioslave called "Nothing Left To Say But Goodbye" that almost completely sums up my experience with Christians at college (and complements the dog metaphor):

ust like the rescue of a stray dog in the rain/ I was hungry when you found me/ You can tell by my tail and my rib cage/ what had once been around me"

"Bless your heart you gave me a home and a new start/ and I will leave you never/ sleep at your feet and stand guard at your front door/I will keep this together"

I thought I had dusted off the ashes of my ruined family and found something new, and I did. Anyway, as I have developed a new family here, I have been cutting my bloodlines, choking them off. My blood family is like a leg that has become gangrenous because I've been clamping off its blood flow in some mad attempt to have it removed, like one of those crazy people who thinks their life would be SO GREAT if they could just have X limb removed (yes, this is a mental disorder that actually exists).

I'm at a loss as to how I'm supposed to deal with this whole thing. Every holiday I walk away going, "Well thank God it's over and I can go back to school and ministry." Is that right? Is that OK? I don't know. But I'm going to keep digging deeper.

Even worse than this indecision and not knowing how to handle this whole problem is the questions it raises about me. These questions stem from this desire: I want to be a family man...

I'm a walking paradox, aren't I? And given all of my wonderful attitudes about family, what odds are you going to give me that, provided I ever have one, I'll be able to hold it together when it seems like I'm always looking for an Exit light? But I figure I'll do better than what my "family" has done. Every broken home survivor thinks that. I'm no different. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'm like the next sucker who comes into America with a dream and the heart and will to make it happen but winds up scrubbing toilets for the rest of his life. I've seen it happen to people. It's ugly.

I'm going to excavate even deeper, though, because I feel that there is more to expose to the light. When (if) I have a family of my own, what does this attitude of mine towards my blood family mean? Does this mean that when people get screwed up, I walk away? Do I say "Screw this I'm out of here" and leave those people behind to rot, too? Where does the disownment stop? At what point do I stop being a reasonable guy who's trying to avoid the fallout and become a coward? Was this disownment of the heart OK in the first place, or am I being a coward now, too? Turn the other cheek. Stand up and fight. What do I do? I have completed my excavation of myself and THE question in its entirety that makes me afraid, the monolithic fear underneath all of it is this: WHAT IF I CAN'T STOP DISOWNING PEOPLE IN MY HEART, AND WORSE, WHAT IF I TRY TO DISOWN GOD?

Oh yeah. Now we're getting somewhere. The truth of my fears and my thoughts is like somebody that fell out of the Ugly Tree and hit every stick on the way down.

This isn't over yet. I have a lot of work to do here. This is only the opening scene, the introduction of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (if you haven't seen that movie, do yourself a favor and ask me if you can borrow it ;D ). I still haven't worked out any answers, and I smell a sequel to this note coming at some point soon, the way you smell an oncoming thunderstorm in July that's knotted like a fist, purple like a bruise, rumbling like an earthquake, and flashing like a drawn sword. I'm not finished yet, I want answers and I'm going to get them.

...hopefully when I share them with you I won't be quite so melodramatic. If I know myself as well as I hope I do, I'll be writing the follow up very soon, because this is something I'm not going to let go.

Peace in Christ,

-David

The Daughters of the Lord

I am a man of little experience. This past year, I have had more experience with women than ever before.

In my experience, I have been surprised by something. I have learned that they, like me, have the same fears, but merely show them in different ways. I have learned that they, like me, can be stubborn and unwilling to accept grace. I have also learned that they can be wise, discerning, faithful, honest, good natured, patient, and full of the Holy Spirit. I have found that, in my sight, women are not that different from men. We all have the same needs. We all need love. We all need joy. The only difference lies in how we display our desires for them, and how we go about getting them.

I have been utterly blessed by your presence, and it is my hope that we (men) are a blessing to you. That is what I aspire to, and what I hope my Brothers in Christ who are with me aspire to. I want to thank the Sisters of Christ that I have in my life, who have shone the light of Christ in a brilliant display to me. Every night now for the past week, I have prayed "that I will be worthy of your daughters, Lord." That is not merely said for the pursuit of romance, but to be worthy of the precious few friends of mine who are women, to be worthy of the fellowship of those with whom I serve, and to be worthy of the presence of those I see on rare and blessed occasions.

This is my encouragement to all of my Sisters in Christ: Remain strong in your faith, because your influence goes farther than you know. Though many of you do not interact with me directly or often, my respect and reverence for women has only increased as I have been here, that is nothing less than a testament to all of you being the women that Christ has called you to be. When you pull back the veil and let the light of Christ shine, it travels without limitations. I know that this light has fallen on me from you as an outlet. I know of its presence from the sweet harmonies you sing to the Lord, your generosity, your outpouring of the spirit in prayer, your concern for others, your simple acts of kindness, your words of encouragement, your patience, your quiet endurance. When that light is on display, I can only describe it in the inadequate medium of words as "awesome".

Thank You. I am honored to stand by you in the Lord's Kingdom, you beautiful Daughters of Christ

The Souce of What I Thirst For

One thing after writing my previous note "The Fear of Separation" which struck me almost immediately was that I do not appreciate the friends that I have nearly to the degree I should. I am a lonely person by nature- by now I think it just goes with the territory of being me. But here I am, with more friends who I can go to and tell them ANYTHING about myself than I can count on tw- okay, one hand. Still. I am not nearsighted enough. Let me explain what I mean.

First of all, this "nearsightedness" and the idea of "sight" that I talk about in THIS note is in terms of friendships, love, and trying to perceive the future of those things, not anything else. God wants me to be nearsighted. He does not want me to be concerned for the future. The future is God's business, and is His to know and to mold. The present is where I must keep my eyes fixed. Here I, as David Hynes have access to more love than many lonely people on this Earth, and yet I cannot appreciate it. It is because my eyes are fixed on the future. Here I sit, wringing my hands about questions like "Who will love me?" "How many friends will I have left here in 2 years when everyone is gone but me?" "Should I start making younger friends so that when the older ones are gone I will still have some?" and of course, the most nagging and personal question of all (for me) "Will I ever have a family?," or to go dangerously deeper down that rabbit hole: "Am I lovable enough that someone will want to start one with me?" All of these questions are far-sighted, and cause unnecessary worry, trouble, and make me miss the point of what I am receiving now.

But I do more than ask questions. I want guarantees. Documents in writing that I won't be left out in the cold. I think that while I do truly love those good friends I have, I am indeed also a man who keeps a careful tally, a bean counter of love, so to speak. I tally what I have like rice on a scale, and with nervous hands and suspicious eyes horde them jealously. And when a single grain slips between my fingers and falls into a crack in the floor where I cannot reach, up goes my accusatory finger in some vaguely heavenward direction asking bitterly where the promises of love are. I am jealous of the World (and God) when they take my friends from me, and I am not willing to part with anyone. I am greedy for it. The Lord says that we are thirsty, and it is so true with me. I am thirsty with reckless abandon, like a man driven mad by thirst in a desert place.

I think that I must come to understand something. Why is it that I cannot stand to be parted with my Brothers and Sisters in Christ? Why is it I fear their loss and separation? I think that now I know. It is because the light and the love of Christ is in such a brilliant display in them, that here on Earth the love of God becomes real, though it is disguised in the form of another human like me. That love and that grace, the living waters that the Lord offers which they have within them, I want more, more, MORE! But instead of recognizing where this love, this water comes from, and going straight to the source, I only see it coming from and therefore only demand it of people. The Lord talks about giving water to those who are thirsty. I go to these people who have it and try to get it from them. And so when they go away, or do not respond to the demands, I feel like I am left destitute. My thirst is not slaked. And my "crazy thirsty guy in the desert" trend continues.

Now that I understand this, I must not make this mistake of going to the carriers of this water. My error is that I am relying on people to show me the love that God gives, and not on God. I am missing the point. The point of the love which we display is to point people to Christ. Ohmygosh, another connection. The woman at the well in one of the Gospels (Mark? Luke?) says that she wants the water Christ says that he has. And now with us having Christ within us, other people will see it and ask...and we point to Him. Simple, but I think I just caught that. And Christ pointed to himself at the time because get this...He was the only one at that point who had that water, AND he also happened to be the source. Now we have it, and when people see it and want it we point them towards the source. I know I know, it's like pointing out that birds have wings, I mean duh, congrats on figuring out what our job is on Earth, right? But I still am amazed by it anyway.

I must go to the source of this water, this love that I thirst for. I must, instead of asking for and expecting more of those who show Christ's love and grace, thank the Lord that He is so awesome that His love is made manifest in our corrupt flesh, that he pours his waters out on all who go to Him. I need only to see the source of what I desire, and go to Him. Then I can stop all the "tearing my hair out because I don't know why I am surrounded by love but can't FEEL it or have any of it" nonsense that I think has been going on with me for a while now.

Really, is so funny how we struggle with the most fundamental things of our faith. You think I'd be able to grasp the concept by now...

Okay, now for a totally irrelevant tangent. I am now going to totally geek out on the whole "Christ in all Christians" thing. What I am about to say reminds me of all of the "Batman vs. Superman" debates... [Commence Geeking Out] I think this is why I like Easter way more than Christmas. God coming in the form of one person's flesh is Awesome- but God residing in that of all who follow Him? That's Crazy Awesome on a magnitude we can scarcely comprehend. The immaculate conception was a parlor trick by comparison. When the devil realized what God had done, that he had multiplied Christ to a staggering degree, he must have been horrified. It'd be like playing a football game and then all of the sudden the fans in the stands start running on-field and messing up your game plan. Or, in a somewhat ironic twist of an example (this one will get your concept of good an evil scrambled!), when Neo has to fight off a million Agent Smiths in The Matrix: Reloaded, because he destroyed the one Agent Smith in the first movie. In fact, that's pretty much exactly what it is like. There are so many of us at this point, all in Christ's likeness, that the enemy is overwhelmed. So if there is one thing you can take away from this note, it is that Agent Smith= Jesus/Us Allowing Christ to Act Through Us :D (I sincerely hope that is not all you learned...). God is so cool. The Holy Spirit is so cool. [End Geek Out]

As usual, thanks for listening. Be blessed with the Peace of Christ as you live your lives for Him. Work as though unto the Lord in your finals and stuff. Don't be lazy like me, writing Facebook Notes when I should be reviewing Chinese...!

Funny Stuff

So Mitchell showed me this hilarious comedy band called "The Flight of the Conchords."


Well, not all of their stuff is funny, but these things definitely are:


Albi, The Racist Dragon

The Hiphopappotomus VS The Rhymenoceros

"Did Steve tell you that? :D"

Bret, You Got It Going On

It's Business Time

I'm already learning how to play this song. I've got the chorus down- just need to get the verse stuff right :D

Split down the middle

Ah, the semester is almost over and I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Sorry about the absence- I have been quite busy and also haven't had any big revelations/inspirations, at least ones that I felt the urge to type here.

Saturday Night Alive is going OK, but we seriously need to communicate better. Hopefully, we'll be able to give the system a good overhaul when the semester is over. People tell me that I am actually pretty good at playing guitar now (relative to how I was playing, of course).

I also played for IV for the first time (officially, with the instrument of choice) it went OK, but lack of fellowship on the worship team on my part made things...difficult. I felt like a bit of an outsider. But I know that will go away with time, as I get to know people.

I really am quite strange. I love InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, but I don't often fellowship with the people there who are my friends, and I don't do IV's book studies or small groups any more. But I move stuff for the worship team and now have played for them. Not only that, but I also love to go on IV retreats and I loved going to Kentucky, and it is my anxious hope I will be able to go again this year.

Yet most of my time is spent with Saturday Night Alive and the people there. It is certainly not wasted. Some of my closest mentors and friends come from SNA, and I am thankful that they have given a greenhorn like me the chance to really lead when I couldn't have a shot elsewhere (mostly because there are so many better candidates for pretty much everything than me).

I feel that IV's leadership and duties take a shine to people who are outgoing or who are willing to outreach and evangelize and things like that. On the one hand, I see that as an obvious and legitimate need/emphasis. Christians should be out there with the message, and should not be insular. I am a Christian, after all, the ultimate goal is to spread the Gospel and help people come to Christ. But I am not a Christian who feels called at all to evangelism, because I am not a charismatic, engaging or disarming person (here's looking at you, Adam!), and cannot just go up to someone and start trying to sell them my religious beliefs. Even outreach, which I define as bringing non-Christians to Christian events, is something that I do not really do. A lot of times, I feel this leaves my value as a leader in question and makes me hesitant to commit myself wholly to IV.

I guess the way to put it is that I see IV as being a machine (NOT in the typical Matrix-esque "evil machines" kind of way) and I am a weird shaped gear that does not fit into the IV machine at all. I took the leadership training, and haven't lead a small group or done anything of the sort since the time when I lead what you would call "mini-small groups" for Summer IV. I think the new area system they have is great, but ironically I don't have an interest in my area (which is off campus), nor am I sure if I want to be interested. I feel like I'm halfway between an IV leader and one of the "not-leader" people who is just along for the ride. I like elements of being both. As a leader, I like being behind the scenes and making things happen, serving people, making them feel at home or blessed. As a follower...I like having the option to step out when things aren't going my way. Call that as you will.

That, and my work with SNA also consumes much of my time which might be spent at IV things. Not that this is bad, but it is a reality that I have kind of committed myself to something else. I wish sometimes that there were two of me, and that one could serve fully with IV and another with SNA. I love both ministries and the people in them dearly, and owe both immense gratitude for helping me grow as a Christian. It was this gratitude which made me want to do SOMETHING (anything!) for IV this semester in addition to what I was doing at SNA. My first real friend in IV told me that I could not be a Nomad (what I referred to myself as during Freshman year) forever, drifting in and out of different ministries. What he says is true.

All of this is really just a thing on the surface, and like an iceberg most of the mass is beneath it.

In many ways, I would rather cut back on school to make time for ministry...I love being in ministry. As of now, it is my happy place. When I am moving speakers for the worship team at IV, I am happy. When I am "refusing to not have fun" with Brian during worship practice, I am happy. When I play "How He Loves" at SNA and the Holy Spirit hits me so hard it knocks me to my knees while playing, I am happy. When I can cut 2x4s to make stairs with Jess and Megan Lord knows how many miles away from home for someone I'll never know, I'm happy. When I can crack jokes with Ben about Boone and pluck wild flowers from the mountains for him (I still have picture of you with the flowers in your hair, Ben :D ), drink Cheerwine/Navigate with Andrew and split wood with Jeff, I am happy. When I can confess my heart to my brothers in Christ (you know who you are), and hold them up as they hold me up, I am happy. When I play volleyball with Taka & Co., get blinded when Sotty takes his shirt off, and dance the Charleston in between sets because I feel like acting like a fool, I am happy. Not just happy, but filled with joy. And if I cannot be filled with joy with people that I know and love (even if I only know them on the surface), I will be very sad.

There may come a time when my responsibilities in either SNA or IV and the inevitable time constraints of "real life" (man, do I hate that place! Who invented "real life" anyways!?) force me to choose between the two ministries I love, and I dread that day's arrival. Already, I have had a parting with friends whom I love dearly but cannot see, but cannot enjoy life with- Mi, Steve, Rita & Jake, Joe, and others. Knowing what it is like, I am not afraid to say it is something I fear.

Even as I write this, I am really unsure of how to become happy or hopeful regarding this matter. But I think that, if I look at the truth I know, perhaps hope and the prospect of joy will come to me again. That truth is that there will come a time when eternity is ours, and I will eat with all of my beloved brothers and sisters in Christ at Christ the King's table, and there will be no separation, no departure from one another, no tears of parting or sentimental sorrows of good times past, but only a past of joy, a present of jubilee, and a future of abounding love.

You know what? I believe that what God is offering me is worth going through the separation and parting that I fear. God asks that I pull it together and follow Him where he leads me, His promise being that I will see them all again and have joy with them as I never have before. That, I think, is something I can do for Him.

Take Me Back

You know, one thing I will boast about my God is that every time I am a coward and run from what I am called to, Christ receives me back every time. Every. Single. Time.

Amen.

Wow!

I just had a major musical breakthrough. I wrote a really great worship song and then my guitar string broke...I have never written a song so fast. I did it in all of 15 minutes...wow! Normally I get about half-way through and break down, I can't expand on it musically because of my inexperience and lack of, for want of a better word, musical vocabulary.

Inhale/Exhale

Chord Progression (capo at 5): Bm G A E ?

Bm

I cry your name

G

You come and touch

A

The part of me

E

I’ve hidden so much

I barely grasp

Your gift of grace

But it has sustained me

In this place

In this life

So full of fear

Defeat draws close

I need you here

You heavenly hosts

I cannot see

My eyes are open

Deceiving me

Can’t cover them up

Not on my own

I need your strength Lord

Can’t do it alone

Chorus:

E G

You Holy Spirit falls on me

A

With such a force

E

Now I can breathe

Lookalikes

Today at IV, I let my hair out, which I have been doing more and more, mostly because it gets compliments...except from one girl, who keeps bugging me to get a haircut. She said "You're not Van Halen" so since Van Halen was the first thing she thought of, I'm totally not getting it cut now....anyway, I went into the men's room, and casually looked into the mirror over the sinks. It struck me almost immediately that I looked like my dad in his high school graduation photo.

The apple does not fall far from the tree.

I feel like there is meaning in this realization that we looked almost exactly the same (except that Dad was clean-shaven in the photo and I'm...pretty scruffy right now). Maybe something will be revealed to me. Or maybe it's just one of those meaningless "well, have a look at that..." kind of things.

Teaching

I did my first teaching this Saturday. It went very well. I also ran worship solo...it was difficult, but not impossible because the Lord was with me. There was one part when I was reading Phillipians when the microphone started making obnoxious static noises, so I ripped the plug out of the mike and went un-amplified for the rest of the teaching. It was a small crowd, so it wasn't a big deal to speak on my own vocal power. The Lord really blessed me with an ability to speak publicly that was not there before. Praise God!

Here is something of a transcript of what I said, though it is polished a little more than what I actually spoke.

"In The Valley of the Shadow of Death"

Or

"When Bad Things Happen After We Step Out of The Boat"

Psalm 23 is a very familiar psalm, and one which this teaching takes its title from. Last week, Josh addressed our need to listen for the Lord's call, and step out of the boat in faith. This week, I will teach about what happens when either we step out of the boat and things start going bad, or when we stay on the boat and we are thrown for a loop with hard times.

*Begin by reading Psalm 23*

This Psalm is a comforting one. It is easy, perhaps, to look at it and see that it is good and true. Yet, there are also times in our life when the claims of David in this Psalm, the promises of shelter, of sustenance, of love, seem like a bitter lie.

Let's say you have just come back from a time of spiritual clarity where God has revealed things to you, about his love for you, or about his plans for you. You have been blessed by a time where the Lord felt close to you, and your purpose became clear as an autumn sky. Then, as you begin to descend from this pinnacle to go to that other high place of blessing you have been called to, things fall apart in short order, and your life descends into a morass of mistakes, and overwhelming difficulties. It seems as though you are wandering through a wooded valley, with the sun setting so that it barely shines through at all, and there is a thick fog blocking everything from sight, making you lost, disoriented, and feeling alone. Not only do you feel separated from God; but your life is beset by all kinds of calamities.

It is easy to believe in God when you are close to Him, and when everything in your life is beautiful. In times of difficulty, it is not so easy, and our faith is challenged. There are three ways in which we are challenged that I will cover. The first test of our faith in these times is KNOWING THE LORD IS WITH YOU. The second is SEEING WHERE HE WANTS US TO GO. The third way is TRUSTING CHRIST AS A GUIDE. All of these tests have their unique difficulties, and our scripture has many examples of this.

KNOWING THE LORD IS WITH YOU

Needless to say, when you have a God who claims to protect you as Christ did, there is a challenge to our faith in that when it appears that we have been abandoned and are no longer cared for. What shepherd can call himself good while his sheep are surrounded by wolves? Yet, there are some things that we must remember, as Christ's sheep, that are very important. The first is that as Christians, the things of this world, our grades, our cars, our clothes, our food, even how many friends we have or who they are is not of any importance compared to our relationship with God and our relationship with others. What is ailing you? What do you value? In Phillipians, Paul says *read Phillipians 3:4-11* If what is causing you distress is the loss of things which don't matter, then reconsider what is valuable to you and you may not be in as much trouble as you thought.

In the Scripture, there are many instances of people having terrible times in their life. In fact, there is likely not a single man or woman who God used that did not wrestle with the difficulties of living in this world. David struggled with it; Elijah struggled with it; Paul struggled with it; and even Christ struggled with it, because he came to this Earth as one of us to suffer with us. David cried out to the Lord countless times in the Psalms; Paul said in 2 Corinthians "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times, I pleaded with the Lord to take it from me. But he said to me 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in your weakness."

All of these people who had difficulty did not run from the Lord in hardships, as the temptation is to do (why run towards the one who abandoned you, right?), but ran to him instead. They received the blessing when they came to the Lord in prayer. Prayer is key; it is our proof that we love God. If you love someone, would not talk to them? If you are having a hard time in your life, would you tell someone else about your difficulties? Then how much more should we tell God of our problems, the one who we must love above everyone and everything, and who loved us above everything as well!

A psalm of Asaph, Psalm 77, is fitting for this challenge, and an example of a right response. *read Psalm 77*. We must not forget the things that God has done for us in the past, and the examples of his might. In this Psalm, Asaph refers to the pillar of fire leading Israel through the wilderness and the Red Sea.

SEEING WHERE HE WANTS US TO GO

If there is one thing I know about these trough periods, it's that I want to get the heck out of Dodge. They are the LAST place I want to be and, I think that it is pretty safe to assume that most people do not like their lives to be difficult in a negative way, or stressful. We want peace and completeness in our lives. As David put it, "Of that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest- I would hurry to my place and shelter, far from the tempest and storm." Sometimes, God does not pluck me out of my situation as soon as my patience runs out, so out of my impatience for this situation to end, I try to get out of this murky forest by myself. I try to find the best way I can to get out, or try to find my own way towards the goal which the Lord told me to strive for in my moment of clarity prior to this trough period.

An example of my own desire to find my own way was when I was working in a worship team (not SNA), simply as a roadie who moves heavy things around. I had been waiting for some time to play with the team, but through a prior struggle of faith I had learned to be patient and wait for the opportunity to play with these people. One day, I was offered one of those green egg shaker things. I kind of looked at it, in a blank sort of way after the worship leader had given it to me. You see, the Lord had shown me earlier that he would use me for the worship team, that I would serve with them. Since I had been building up my skill with my instrument, the guitar, I naturally assumed that when the opportunity to play would arise, it would be a request to play my guitar. So I, in my false humility, turned down the opportunity to shake a rhythm egg in front of people and went off to piously read my Bible. A few minutes later, I had realized that I had been given an opportunity in an unexpected form, and that I should take it. So I spent my night playing bongos instead of playing guitar, and it was blessed to be a part of it and humble myself.

My error was that I kept my eyes open. Since I could not see into the future and tell exactly how I was to be used, I made my best guess and was looking for it to appear. Surely I would be used in the way in which I was trained. But the Lord often has a surprise planned for us. In my case, it came in the form of a green egg.

As another example, let's say that the lights are out in this room, and I have to leave it, but all I can see is the light from the open door over there. The most direct way is for me to walk straight for the door; the problem is that there are all these pews in the way, and I'm not going to get anything except a sore shin for my trouble. But if someone who knows the church inside and out were to take my hand, that person would be able to guide me outside, by first walking down the aisle (which is away from the door) and then towards it. We are like that. We cannot see the obstacles on the most direct way because we cannot see into the future and do no know what it holds. In the same way, God knows everything, and is capable of bringing you to where you need to be. He can see what you can't, and knows the best way for you to take based on who you are as a person.

The idea of allowing our Lord Christ to guide us has never been so succinctly summarized as it is in the Proverbs, which say "In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps," and "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death."

TRUSTING CHRIST AS A GUIDE

So now God, after we have closed our eyes to the world and opened our heart up to him, has shown us the way in which he wants us to go. And in some cases, it seems ridiculous, in the wrong direction. But we must trust Christ as our guide.

Please turn with me to the Gospel of John, chapter 10, verses 1-18. In this chapter, Jesus is again reaching out to the Jewish people and speaking in parables to them.

Jesus here gives us a promise: That when he has taken us into his flock, he will not let us fall away. And he has promised that we will be saved from destruction through him. Having faith in this requires us to believe several things; that God knows what is best for us, and that God is powerful enough to accomplish it in our lives. Part of the purpose of the Word of God is to explain to us who God is, and what God is like. There are many accounts of his power here, so that we might be convinced he is trustworthy.

In the story of Joshua and the fall of Jericho, the Lord told Joshua to have his people march around Jericho, one of the mightiest strongholds in the land, and lay siege to it with music and shouting. I don't know about you guys, but if I was a military commander, I wouldn't plan a siege by ordering up a brass marching band and a parade float with a screaming metal band on it unless maybe I was laying siege to a nursing home. Yet, as wacky as the plan was, the walls were destroyed and the Jewish people were given the victory. Later, when Gideon was leading an uprising against the evil people who had taken over Israel, the Lord had him pare down his forces from 32,000 men to 300 men, less than 1% of their original number against an army which could not be counted. With every one of the 300 men blowing a trumpet, the armies of Midian turned on each other and the people were again delivered. These are both great stories of triumph throughout obeying commandments from God which seem to make no sense, yet still fulfill the promise of delivering the oppressed people.

And here is another: In order to save mankind, God came to the Earth in the flesh of a human, born into poverty, of a race which was under the control of a militant regime and had no power left, and was killed by the people of his own race. I have to tell you, if I have a mind to save someone, getting myself killed is usually not going to be beneficial for that plan or in any part of it. And yet, as strange as the method was, it worked. Christ was victorious over death, and through our faith in him, we are saved from ourselves. When we realize who God is and how powerful he is, it is then that we will humble ourselves and consent him to be our guide.

CONCLUSION

I would like to conclude this teaching by saying that if you have felt like your life has seen only times of difficulty, and you don't even know what it is like to have guidance and supreme love in these times, pray in your heart and ask Christ to enter into you and be the guide of your life. In his hands, we are secure beyond all measure. He is the good shepherd, and he will NEVER lose you. If you have run from him before, he will give you grace and receive you again, for his grace is without bounds.

A Teaching

So...the week I have 2 mid terms and 2 labs due is the week I offer to lead worship by myself and do a teaching at SNA. I'm really a glutton for punishment. If you're reading this and are the praying sort, please pray that I will be able to accomplish all of my academic demands while still completing preparation for the message I will deliver.

The Geology Structure mid-term is down, and thank God, I think I did well, which I desperately needed to get my grade up...now all I have is this annoying field trip report, lab, and Chinese exam tomorrow, along with a small bit of Chinese homework...

The Green Egg

For a while, I had been wanting to play with the worship team but couldn't, and it frustrated me. I then realized that God had made it so I couldn't play at IV to humble me, and that I should be patient and wait for God to offer me the privilege of going up there and serving others. Tonight, he offered it to me in the form of a green rhythm egg, and I in my false humility rejected it. *pious voice* "Surely when God called me he would have me play the instrument that he has been training me in." And so I said, to my shame and regret "When I go up and play, I'll do it with my guitar." It hurts even to type it now.

I picked up the Psalms, which say to worship the Lord with all my soul. I didn't need to even see the ones talking about worship to remember them- I knew they were there, in my heart, calling out to me to stop being a fool. I had the feeling I was missing something huge. And I realized God had offered me what I had been asking for...but not in the way I had envisioned it.

The problem is, we are supposed to live by faith, not by sight. But I practically have a pair of night-vision binoculars strapped duct-taped to my forehead. God tells me he is going to do something with my life. Then comes the delusions of grandeur, and they are easy enough to identify and knock down. But then there are these small ones that slip through...and before I know it, I wind up believing them, convinced that this is the way God is going to use me.

God really is so good. I was so convinced that when I was to be called to go up there (when I was skilled enough, of course- because we all know that God demands perfection! *sarcasm*), I would do so with my electric guitar, my cool effects pedals and my ridiculous hair...and I get handed a green rhythm egg...looking back on it, it's actually hilarious, and I'm laughing about it now. God certainly has a sense of humor. The problem is, I don't always catch the joke.

The Proverbs say, "In his heart a man determines his course, but the Lord determines his steps."

The Proverbs say again "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." I praise the Lord that he is not content to let me go running into places I do not belong. Amen. Guide me Lord Jesus.



Writer's Note: I spent the my first IV worship service playing an un-amplified bongo and tapping a tambourine with a stick. And it was awesome.

I can make it on my own!

I have a habit of watching something online called "The Strong Bad Emails". Today, the Lord did the impossible by tying in the random/hilarious content of one episode into my life...observe the following (there is a point to this note, I swear!):

Sbemail109

....OK, so now that you've seen it, wipe the tears of laughter/pity from your eyes and dig this: I am Li'l Brudder. Not in a "lookit me, I'm a cute puppy who deserves attention" kind of way (though I am rather adorable [joking]), but a "I can make it on my own!" kind of way.

At first, that kind of an attitude in spite of such a debilitating handicap as having only one limb seems like a great one to have; one of independence and freedom, of pursuing dreams ("I'm gonna be a quarterback someday! I'm gonna throw for 2,000 yards!"). In many ways, it is the American attitude I was born into and have grown up with. It is my father's attitude which he raised me with, one in which I should not be an unnecessary burden on others, sucking the life out of them.

The problem is, as noble as it sounds, it's wrong. Utterly, irrevocably wrong. Why is that? Because it stiff-arms EVERYONE, including God. You can't help me. I need to make it on my own. I'm not going to ask God to help me; I shouldn't have to be bugging God about every damn thing. I should be able to make it on my own. Millions of other people do it all the time. If all the other people in my class can get through it on their own strength, so can I. Why is it I should be weak?

If other people are the standard, no wonder my existence has been in such a sad state with my academic life! How can other, broken people with no salvation be my standard for how I "make it" in life? That is a fatal flaw in my belief that has been revealed to me by the Lord. The point of me coming to Christ is out of admission that I cannot "make it on my own" no matter how strong I try to be, no matter how much of a "heart of a champion" I have. The reason why people are in such sad shape is that they try to make it on their own all of the time and are trying to do it with only one limb, figuratively speaking. It makes them miserable.

This ties into an even greater issue: My God is an intimate, loving God. Closer than any lover, more knowledgeable about me than any friend, more passionate for my success than my own flesh and blood relatives. I put my faith in Jesus Christ, not another, because I recognize the value of His perfect love and have a deep aching need for that perfect love. Recently, I felt that it was not there. I wanted to draw close to the Lord, but I could not, and did not, and I felt distant, like God was in another universe and I had no idea how to leap that gap. Why was that? Because I did not even come to Him to help me "make it" in life.

If I cannot come to the Lord as someone asking for a few bucks, or as someone asking for help in a homework assignment, how can I come to him as someone who wants deep, deep love? Who has deep, loving relationships with a person but can't ask them to spot them 5 bucks at the Burger King?

It all comes back to this thing of not wanting to be a burden. But the truth that my sinful nature obscures is that Christ has already bourne the greatest burdens of mine; he has carried the multitudes of my sin himself. My sins have caused his side to be pierced; and it is my sins that have driven the nails into his hands. If I had not created these burdens for him to bear, he would not have had to die for them. So what, then, are these infinitesimal things that I worry will become some kind of noisome burden to the Almighty God who levels nations, shapes the universe in his hands, and plays with time the way Justin Weber plays with a yo-yo?

If I cannot come to God with "small" things, then I cannot come to God for things like "love". Love is related to trust. I have to trust that God will provide.

And I have to trust that the Lord loves me so much that he wants all of my requests, big and small.

Lucky for us, he loves us very, very much.

Peace in Christ,

-David

The Big Game

So, I'll be hobnobbing with other IV leaders this Wednesday night. When other people ask me what I'm the leader of, I'll just tell them I'm the leader of these big beefy arms I use to move speakers with ;)

It should be interesting.

Body Parts

I was recently having a good conversation with a friend Brian about speaking in tongues and was going through Corinthians 12 about the Gifts when I was hit by these verses: 1 Corinthians chapter 12, verses 14-31. They talk about the needs of the body for specific parts. This is a very familiar verse among Christians, and many know it or know of it. I thought I would share how this impacted me with people who I share ministry duties with (and with anyone else who happens to read it).

One passage really struck me tonight, and that was verses 14-18:

Now the body is not made up of one part, but of many. If the foot should say "because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be a part of that body. And if an ear were to say "because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be a part of the body. If a whole body were an eye, where would its sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact, God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.


This convicted me strongly because I often play the part of the foot wishing I was a hand or the ear wishing I was an eye. The truth is that there is a reason I am a foot and not a hand, or an ear and not an eye, and that is because I am best at the job I have been made for. A person with hands for feet could walk, but because the hand lacks the arch of a foot, the hands used for walking would quickly break under the strain, leaving the body crippled (this is why monkeys cannot walk upright for long- they have no arch in their "feet").

Whatever I am in the Body of Christ, be it an armpit or an eyebrow, a nose or a knee, I have a purpose that God has given me because it is suitable for me, and I am "custom-made" for it. I often demand of myself that I must give God only my best. But I cannot even give the best I have to offer (which is often small compared my foolishness!) if I am not functioning in my own place as a part of the body.

Let the Lord remind you through this note, as he has reminded me through scripture, that there is Meaning in your Creation and Purpose in your Place.

In the Hole

I'm in the hole. And I've been in the hole this whole semester. This week, I'm climbing out, come hell or high water. I'm tired of being behind in everything.

Zhongwen (Chinese Language)

I literally get the shakes when I have to go up and speak in front of people (note: this does not happen when I play music; only when I speak, for some reason). But in spite of that, my group really delivered our Chinese skit well and the professor thought it was funny (which it was intended to be).

The idea is there is one girl who wants to buy a shirt. The first merchant proudly displays a shirt and says "I have an orange shirt!". The next one takes the shirt from him forcefully and says "I have a pretty orange shirt!" The next takes it from him and says "I have a medium sized, pretty orange shirt!" The last merchant snatches that from him and says "I have a pretty, medium sized cheap orange shirt!"

As the first merchant goes to the last merchant to try and get his orange shirt back, the girl says "I don't like orange." So the last merchant who has the orange shirt looks around and grabs the the first merchant's shirt that he is wearing and says "I have a blue shirt!" and then it goes down the line of merchants in reverse order with them grabbing the first merchant (that would be me) by his blue shirt and trying to sell it... then the first merchant shrugs and tries to sell the shirt he is wearing to her as well. T

hen the girls says she doesn't want shirts. Everybody asks "Well, then what do you want!?" and she says "I want a pair of (goes into intense detail) shoes." Then all of the merchants sigh and go "We don't sell shoes!"


Not laughing? I guess you had to be there. But people thought it was funny, and I brought one of my trusty orange shirts/myself as a prop. Steve knows all about the orange shirts ;). It was probably the shortest skit, but it was coherent and everybody spoke their lines well. I would rather have a short skit that I remember and lose points on length than have a long skit that I choke in the middle of and lose points AND embarrass myself and my partners.

The point is, things went well and I am happy. Now if I could understand how to make these geological cross-sections which are due next week, I would be very happy!

While I wouldn't say my academics are good, I would say they are a far stretch better than what they were since school started. This has been a better week. Let's hope the next one tops it.

Jesus Freak

Several months ago, I had my mom get me the album "Jesus Freak" by d.c. Talk....she had asked me if I wanted anything from Hawaii, so I asked her to buy me the album. She could have probably just sent me money and saved on shipping costs, but there is a novelty in getting stuff in the mail.

Anyway, after listening to "So Help Me God" and "Jesus Freak", I swore to learn them because they rocked. Well, my desire to learn them reached critical mass tonight and I looked up the chords on ze internets. I was surprised by how relatively simple it was to play- and is sounds effing metal through the Boss Distortion pedal I bought. I can't wait to master this song; the hardest part is that almost every line in the song except for a short interlude has a B Minor bar chord. This is good, however, because I need to know that chord for a lot of worship songs I do, so I'll also be practicing an important chord I need to know anyway while I'm rockin' out. It's delicious and nutritious, all in one.

Who said you can't rock for Jesus...




Another great picture of me playing my guitar...




Well, OK, that's actually Eddie Van Halen, but we have a lot in common, right? We both are white, have long hair, love rock and roll, and look! Our guitars are even the same color!

Pittsburgh

Some of you may not know that I am a Pittsburgh Steelers fan. Well, I am, and I am not a happy one...the game I just finished watching where they played against Arizona was possibly one of the most pathetic attempts at Defense on the Steelers' behalf I have possibly ever seen. After Palomalu left, everything fell apart. Combine that with some absolutely trash offensive drives by Roethlesburger & Parker and what you get is a loss like what they just suffered. Why the heck did Troy Palomalu leave so early? If he was injured, why was he pacing on the side lines with his helmet on half the time? And, finally, why does the Steelers have so many players with funny last names that I don't quite know how to spell?

Thankfully, they didn't thoroughly embarrass themselves, and manage to close their loss to only a 7 point difference.

Anyway, back to my regularly scheduled Geology lab...

Let God Invade Your World

You know, my experiences in the past few weeks academically have really thrown me for a loop. As damage control, I tried my best to put my "spiritual life" in a different category from my "academic or 'real' life", so that my personal problems wouldn't affect my ministry work.

No wonder I've been so messed up this past month!

One thing that seems to happen to me and I am sure happens to some of you is that we let the world invade our "spiritual life", our relationship with God. Or, if we can see that will be a problem, we separate God from our "real world" to avoid letting bad things leech into our spiritual life and as a result don't let Him out to change things.

We should be doing the reverse. I should be letting my relationship with GOD invade my world. When I feel stupid as I'm beating my head against Geology lab work, I should let the truth of how much I am loved and valued drive out dark thoughts of inferiority. When I feel overwhelmed as I try to juggle an endless onslaught of Chinese homework with imposing Geology labs, work study, ministry, and Lord knows what else, I need to let my knowledge that God will care for me as he cares for the sparrows invade my life. When I feel lonely, I need to let the knowledge that I am loved by the Most High invade my heart.

We KNOW so many things about what God thinks about does, and does for us. But to we take it to HEART? Do we let it come true in our lives?

I try so hard to fight back against problems. But this much is true: The battle is the Lord's. It's time to let the Lord fight back for me. I want God to invade my life completely. Will you let him invade yours?

Action and Reaction

I noticed a peculiar pattern in how I view the way I communicate with people.

For me, it's more like "the reaction is up to the other person" not "my action automatically will cause a reaction in another person, so I should walk on eggshells". A friend of mine once had an argument with me about this issue; I believe that, for example, if someone punched me in the face, I have every right to be angry about it and that there is nothing wrong with it.

My friend proceeded to argue that actually I had a choice whether to be angry or not. And that, ultimately, I should choose not to be angry that somebody hit me, because my religion dictates that I deal with people with grace and love, not anger and hate. I told him that it's pretty hard to make the choice not to be angry right then and there. He told me that when somebody does something to you, the "ball is in your court, and you have to choose what you're going to do with it, regardless of what the other person has done." I may have a right to choose to be angry, but should I allow myself to be such in light of what I believe?

But instead of applying this good lesson to myself, I applied it to all Christians and expected them to react with love and grace even though I do not. Hence me telling people the truth without love. It's the lazy way out. When I wrote a letter to my dad about my beliefs, I spent days on it and had people read it to see if it would be provoking in a bad way. I never do such things when communicating with Christian brothers and sisters.

So in other words, I've been punching people in the face and expecting them to smile about it and give me a pat on the shoulder. It's actually a pretty funny image, but the fact that I'm actually doing that figuratively is not a good thing. There may come a point where someone I communicate to in this poor way may not be able to handle what I say gracefully.

Ah. I just thought of something. I realized that I only "say" dumb, angry, hurtful things when I write. My Dad did a great job of conditioning what I say to people, and that isn't too much of a problem for me. But I never conditioned myself how to write, and therefore I never did control myself in quite the same way as a writer. Looking back now, a lot of my essays of argumentation came laden with warnings from my instructors about using demeaning language meant to personally attack the other person/idea instead of focusing on the point. The way I write was distracting people from the main point of the essay.

Well, at least I'm getting somewhere.

Like a Diamond

I am not clay. Far from it. I am diamond. Formed under unimaginable pressure and made of that which is as common as charred firewood and ash or your very exhaling breath. Like a diamond, I am filled with fire at my core that emanates out. And, like I diamond, I am transparent, and people can see right through me. And, like a diamond, I am without value, even for saw blades, unless I am cut in the right way.

When God shapes me, it isn't like a potter shaping clay, but a jeweler cutting a diamond, the hardest substance known to man. Because I am a stubborn man who does change shape easily. The good news, though, is that like a diamond, I do not lose my shape once I am cut. I do not take steps backwards and be what I was. I do not break under pressure (except that which God applies, which can crush anything). I do not lose my loyalty when I have been shaped. And I am being shaped by the greatest jeweler there ever was.

Compliments vs. Thanks

The Thought Engine is roaring at full speed today. Here is another thing that has been on my mind since last night, when I was acting Roadie for the IVCF Skit/Gift night.

First, let me start with a definition (this is my definition, I don't have a dictionary handy):

Complement v/n: a comment made form one person to another indicating that the recipient has not only met the standard, but that they have exceeded the standard and have done better than what was expected or required.

Thanks v/n: An expression of gratitude for an effort made, regardless of its quality or inherent value.

On Compliments:

I have a couple of problems with them. The first is that they are often done out of flattery, and flattery is absolutely useless to me. The second problem is that one person's idea of what is extraordinary and above the standard does not always align with what another person's idea of what is above the standard. The third is that I hate when they are done in a public manner, because they feel...patronizing. If someone were to seriously sit down with me and compliment what I have done, then that is different. My gripe is about public compliments.

As an example, I remember someone complemented me for "being brave" and stuff like that when I went up to read poetry (probably because I sometimes stammer or screw lines up, and so they think that me going up there is an act of bravery because I sound like somebody who is terrified of public speaking). I don't give a crap about whether I'm brave or not, that's besides the point. I didn't go up on stage to be "brave" I went up there to read my poem and get the point across! I went there because God called me to, and I need to be sure that I did a good job doing it. So telling me I was brave isn't helping me do a good job.

And, I have to admit, I do appreciate complements on what I create itself. It is my hope that perhaps in the future I will be able to do things that are worthy of compliments. Given how high I set the standard for myself, I doubt that time will ever come. I guess what I mean to say is that I use how I am right now as the standard. So if I do a great guitar lick on stage, I would consider that compliment worthy because I have never done it before. Now that the bar is raised, I wold expect no compliments if I did it again. I don't compare myself to people other than me.

I guess my point is, unless I have done something you deem truly extraordinary, do not compliment me out of hand in public. Compliment me because I did something that moved you or because you thought it was awesome, and compliment me in private, because the most honest, flattery-free kind of compliments are done where no one else can see. If something as easy as moving boxes is awesome to you...you must be easily impressed, in which case you should come listen to me play guitar sometime. I'll have a small following of groupies in no time :D

Really, I think the only person that deserves public complements and praise is God. Because God does the impossible every day. So if you are about to give me some kind of public praise...praise God instead.


On Criticism:

If there is one great thing about criticism, it is that it is never flattering, so it can be done publicly or privately, though doing it publicly is humiliating on the part of the recipient of criticism. I take pride in my work, and so I value constructive criticism above all things, because it helps me do my job better. If you are telling me things which will help make me do my job better, please, by all means speak up. Nobody criticized me for how I moved stuff, because that's a pretty hard job to mess up *smiling* but if they did, I would try to do it better. But I would no more want someone to tell me "You move boxes great!" publicly anymore than I would want them to say "You suck at moving boxes" publicly.


On to Thanks.

I see thanks as being different. "Thanks" means that the person was happy that you did something regardless of what it was and doesn't imply that you are somehow great or exceeding the standard. What it means is that the person sees that you care and did something. Thanks is something I am willing to accept, even if I was only doing some basic thing. Some people have thanked me, like Grace, Mitch, and Jen (for some reason...). I greatly appreciate this and take it to heart. I like it when I am recognized for what I have done without it being glorified, flattered, or patronized with unnecessary or public complements.

I feel it is also easier for me to remain humble when given thanks instead of complements.

So, for those I in turn thank people for their thanks. Thank you for having something for me to do for the kingdom, even if it was only something as rudimentary as moving mics and speakers around. It is my hope that someday, I will be able to do even more.