You Can Lead a Horse to Water...

Having no current work has given me a lot of time to think, which often translates into these mile-long notes- and the next thing I have thought of after talking about all of this stuff regarding family is how I react to my Christian family that I have been placed in.

I find myself trying incredibly hard to get these Christian people to like me. For the first time, I have found people who I actually CARE what they think about me and try to constantly justify myself to them. I love my new family that God has placed me in, but I feel like there's a lot of catching up to do. I want people to know me. I want people to understand me. I want people to want to love me, not just because "God says so" but because I am actually a lovable person. Maybe I want to avoid grace as much as possible. That could be. But I also feel like being in this Christian family is like being a kid in a candy store for someone like me who wants to have deep and honest relationships. And so I spend a lot of energy try to explain myself and put myself out there through notes like this and so on. The problem is that I do things like this, I tell people that they are my friend and can come to me for anything, and nobody comes to me. Sometimes I am even told that I am so by another, and yet when something is wrong I am entrusted to nothing. This used to be a complaint, but now for me it's more a statement of fact than anything else, I've come to accept it.

So I've been going for a while now wondering why that is. I suspect there are reasons on the part of the recipient and also the sender (me).

The body of Christ is a family. Yet, there are a lot of people who do not treat it as such. I think one of the biggest problems here is that I think there are many people who do not see the body of Christ as a family. Perhaps they are afraid to become close to people because their first family was destroyed, or they were hurt by someone else they were in close fellowship to. Perhaps they are not saved and do not really know what it means to be bound to one another in the spirit, united by a love of God, each other and His purpose. Perhaps they already have friends and family and do not want for anything, and so they do not see addressing the church as a family as something that is necessary. They can afford to stand apart.

These people are no less of a problem than I am- because I have my own flaws. I am a person who loves zealously. That works GREAT for loving God- you can never love Him enough and he'll always accept your love- but people are a little different. I am a person who came into this fellowship here and got exactly what I wanted (hence the kid in a candy store example above). The thing is, some people need time to get close. Some people do not jump into the pool all at once (I do). I don't understand those people :D, but I have to accept the fact that that is how they react to this whole family thing. So, I think, when someone like me comes along writing mini-novels and tagging people with reckless abandon, I suspect that there are probably a few people who are turned off by that kind of behavior. Perhaps a couple of those people have been tagged in this note.

I can't change how people react. I can't change other people. I can pray for them- but I can't change them. So there is not much I can do about people who do not receive love or honesty well. I could probably write exhaustively (in the sense that it would probably exhaust the reader) about how they could fix that issue, but I feel right now that is not something that is my place to give a thorough treatment on. I will say that perhaps those people need to honestly look at themselves, see the fear and find a way to vanquish it...and we know from scripture that perfect love drives out fear. There is only one source of perfect love, and that is God. Therefore, when we are afraid, me must go to God and ask him to drive away our fears. That is a very convenient thing for somebody from my point of view to say, given that I'm usually the guy wanting his love to be accepted, but I will also say that I also have to accept that I may not necessarily be the person that the recipient needs to be close to.

What I can change is how I express my love to people. In a word, I need discernment. Instead of just...blasting people with love, I need to gauge whether or not a person can handle the amount of openness I'm going to give them. I also need to be patient, and not force the issue by giving them something they are not ready to handle. And, perhaps the most challenging thing for me, accept that there are some who will not love me to the degree that I love them. Ouch. Just saying that to me is like hugging a cactus or playing catch with a sea urchin. In many ways, this is like dealing with people who are not saved. Open engagement and debate, calling people out- a lot of times that shuts people down, causes them to lock up.

You can lead a horse to water...but you can't make it drink. That is something that I need to grasp and accept. Sometimes, it's a very difficult thing to do, because you love someone so much, but have to sit there and let them not allow themselves to be loved. A while ago, people tried to love me and I rejected them. I suspect that this caused them to wish that I would allow them to love me and help but I would not. How many people do you know that you wish with all of your being that they would accept Christ into their lives, but all you can do is wait? You can lead a horse to water...but you can't make it drink.

I will not apologize for wanting to be loved and to be known, but I will apologize if I have ever written things that, instead of helping you open up to being loved by your new family have caused you to shrink back instead. I apologize if I have ever made you wonder if you HAVE to share private things because I wish that you would reciprocate, or if I told you things you would rather not have known (the infamous "overshare"). I apologize if I have ever made myself seem uncaring about other people's needs and boundaries by throwing them things in their lap they did not want (i.e. giving you trust that you weren't ready for). I apologize if I have tried so hard to justify myself to you that I whipped the quills out like a porcupine even before you asked any questions. I do that not because I want to fight, but because I value your opinion so much that I do not want you to think I haven't thought things through or that am foolish (which I am anyway). If you are someone to whom these apologies were necessary and do not want me tagging you in notes anymore, please send me a private message saying so. The David Hynes Fan Club is a volunteer only organization, and I intend to keep it that way ;D .

To everyone else...thanks for accepting me in all of my desperate times of madness, and dealing with me in grace and love. Thank you for calling me out, and not putting up with my BS. Perhaps most of all, thank you for accepting my offerings of love. I will try not to make you regret it.

Peace in Christ,

-David