The Souce of What I Thirst For

One thing after writing my previous note "The Fear of Separation" which struck me almost immediately was that I do not appreciate the friends that I have nearly to the degree I should. I am a lonely person by nature- by now I think it just goes with the territory of being me. But here I am, with more friends who I can go to and tell them ANYTHING about myself than I can count on tw- okay, one hand. Still. I am not nearsighted enough. Let me explain what I mean.

First of all, this "nearsightedness" and the idea of "sight" that I talk about in THIS note is in terms of friendships, love, and trying to perceive the future of those things, not anything else. God wants me to be nearsighted. He does not want me to be concerned for the future. The future is God's business, and is His to know and to mold. The present is where I must keep my eyes fixed. Here I, as David Hynes have access to more love than many lonely people on this Earth, and yet I cannot appreciate it. It is because my eyes are fixed on the future. Here I sit, wringing my hands about questions like "Who will love me?" "How many friends will I have left here in 2 years when everyone is gone but me?" "Should I start making younger friends so that when the older ones are gone I will still have some?" and of course, the most nagging and personal question of all (for me) "Will I ever have a family?," or to go dangerously deeper down that rabbit hole: "Am I lovable enough that someone will want to start one with me?" All of these questions are far-sighted, and cause unnecessary worry, trouble, and make me miss the point of what I am receiving now.

But I do more than ask questions. I want guarantees. Documents in writing that I won't be left out in the cold. I think that while I do truly love those good friends I have, I am indeed also a man who keeps a careful tally, a bean counter of love, so to speak. I tally what I have like rice on a scale, and with nervous hands and suspicious eyes horde them jealously. And when a single grain slips between my fingers and falls into a crack in the floor where I cannot reach, up goes my accusatory finger in some vaguely heavenward direction asking bitterly where the promises of love are. I am jealous of the World (and God) when they take my friends from me, and I am not willing to part with anyone. I am greedy for it. The Lord says that we are thirsty, and it is so true with me. I am thirsty with reckless abandon, like a man driven mad by thirst in a desert place.

I think that I must come to understand something. Why is it that I cannot stand to be parted with my Brothers and Sisters in Christ? Why is it I fear their loss and separation? I think that now I know. It is because the light and the love of Christ is in such a brilliant display in them, that here on Earth the love of God becomes real, though it is disguised in the form of another human like me. That love and that grace, the living waters that the Lord offers which they have within them, I want more, more, MORE! But instead of recognizing where this love, this water comes from, and going straight to the source, I only see it coming from and therefore only demand it of people. The Lord talks about giving water to those who are thirsty. I go to these people who have it and try to get it from them. And so when they go away, or do not respond to the demands, I feel like I am left destitute. My thirst is not slaked. And my "crazy thirsty guy in the desert" trend continues.

Now that I understand this, I must not make this mistake of going to the carriers of this water. My error is that I am relying on people to show me the love that God gives, and not on God. I am missing the point. The point of the love which we display is to point people to Christ. Ohmygosh, another connection. The woman at the well in one of the Gospels (Mark? Luke?) says that she wants the water Christ says that he has. And now with us having Christ within us, other people will see it and ask...and we point to Him. Simple, but I think I just caught that. And Christ pointed to himself at the time because get this...He was the only one at that point who had that water, AND he also happened to be the source. Now we have it, and when people see it and want it we point them towards the source. I know I know, it's like pointing out that birds have wings, I mean duh, congrats on figuring out what our job is on Earth, right? But I still am amazed by it anyway.

I must go to the source of this water, this love that I thirst for. I must, instead of asking for and expecting more of those who show Christ's love and grace, thank the Lord that He is so awesome that His love is made manifest in our corrupt flesh, that he pours his waters out on all who go to Him. I need only to see the source of what I desire, and go to Him. Then I can stop all the "tearing my hair out because I don't know why I am surrounded by love but can't FEEL it or have any of it" nonsense that I think has been going on with me for a while now.

Really, is so funny how we struggle with the most fundamental things of our faith. You think I'd be able to grasp the concept by now...

Okay, now for a totally irrelevant tangent. I am now going to totally geek out on the whole "Christ in all Christians" thing. What I am about to say reminds me of all of the "Batman vs. Superman" debates... [Commence Geeking Out] I think this is why I like Easter way more than Christmas. God coming in the form of one person's flesh is Awesome- but God residing in that of all who follow Him? That's Crazy Awesome on a magnitude we can scarcely comprehend. The immaculate conception was a parlor trick by comparison. When the devil realized what God had done, that he had multiplied Christ to a staggering degree, he must have been horrified. It'd be like playing a football game and then all of the sudden the fans in the stands start running on-field and messing up your game plan. Or, in a somewhat ironic twist of an example (this one will get your concept of good an evil scrambled!), when Neo has to fight off a million Agent Smiths in The Matrix: Reloaded, because he destroyed the one Agent Smith in the first movie. In fact, that's pretty much exactly what it is like. There are so many of us at this point, all in Christ's likeness, that the enemy is overwhelmed. So if there is one thing you can take away from this note, it is that Agent Smith= Jesus/Us Allowing Christ to Act Through Us :D (I sincerely hope that is not all you learned...). God is so cool. The Holy Spirit is so cool. [End Geek Out]

As usual, thanks for listening. Be blessed with the Peace of Christ as you live your lives for Him. Work as though unto the Lord in your finals and stuff. Don't be lazy like me, writing Facebook Notes when I should be reviewing Chinese...!