Here's a strange question: Have you ever looked in the mirror and been able to see yourself objectively, as other people see you? I mean, there's the mug you're used to looking at every morning and when you're dressing up for an event, but have you ever had a split second moment where the you standing in front of the mirror isn't you and you're able to see the reflection in the mirror as a separate person? It's happened to me a couple of times. I have also spent some time staring at myself in the mirror (not recently, but when I was younger). If I let my pathetic excuse for facial hair grow out and then shave it a while later, I don't entirely recognize myself in the mirror (which is a really creepy feeling actually). I imagine that if I shaved my head and looked in the mirror I might not recognize myself there, either (and probably not for weeks).
Sometimes, you can get a glimpse of that in the spiritual sense, too. A friend of mine recently posted a quote from a book he finished called "Freedom of Simplicity" by Richard Foster on his blog. When I read it, it was like seeing myself objectively in the mirror again. Commentary in brackets is mine.
"This stage is one of great honesty and sincerity, but it is not yet true simplicity. 'Sincerity is a virtue below simplicity,' said Fenelon. The reason is easy to see. The sincere have a deep concern for honesty and truth. Rectitude, fidelity, conscientiousness, impeccability - these all mark the sincere. And although all of these are great virtues, they have a certain self-consciousness about them: a concern to do right, TO BE RIGHT [emphasis mine], to look right. Of the sincere, Fenelon says, 'They are always studying themselves, going over all their words and all their thoughts, and going back over all they have done, afraid of having said or done too much.' [so very true of me...especially now that I've written what is it, 4 massive notes now?]
The sincere are not yet simple. They have a kind of artificial rigor that makes us feel uncomfortable, though we cannot fault the virtue. They put us on edge and make us feel ill at ease. [This is something that I am totally blind to and need people to tell me about] This often concerns us because they seem so spiritual, so determined to know God. [I am :) ] We wonder if our discomfort stems from a resistance to God and his way. In reality, however, it is due to the fact that these deeply committed folk are trying too hard. [I'll get to that in a minute] They lack the ease, freedom, and naturalness that mark true interior simplicity. We would prefer less perfect people who are more at ease with themselves."
It seems to me that Foster has summed up my condition, and how I probably affect people better than I ever could.
I have one quibble with this guy's assessment (and it isn't directly of me, so I don't take it personally or anything like that). He says that I am trying too hard. I wish that I had this book so that I could look at this passage in context. Nevertheless, I am going to make lemonade out of lemons and try to address this. Here is my question: What does he mean by "trying too hard"? I could say that Paul, who went through quite a bit in his walk, "tried too hard". If that is what the author means, than there is something seriously wrong with that statement. Due to the context of the "trying too hard" thing in the passage, I am inclined to believe that he is saying that we can "try too hard" to want to know God. My tendency is to reject that notion. My whole life is devoted to "knowing" God. But even now semantics rears its ugly head. Does he mean "know" as in knowledge, or "know" the way the Bible says that "Adam knew Eve"? The former is impossible. We can never "know", in the scientific sense or understanding sense, God. However, in the sense of intimacy and love, we can know God, the way I know some of you who are my close friends. I can know what he wants and expects from me, what he thinks of me, what he desires. I know from scripture the desires of the Lord's heart, and they are all beautiful.
As I have said before, I will not apologize for loving or wanting to love, but my methods could always use improvement. And my attitude. The description above seems to have this overall sense of impatience. I think that this also is a great struggle of mine, and one that the Lord is trying to correct in me. Three times now a Psalm has been affirmed to me that God wants me to understand and follow. The first was in the previous note; the second was at a worship meeting at my friend Brian's house; the third time it came not through me but from my dear pastor Bo Matthews at Brandywine Valley Baptist Church this past Sunday. He told us a bit about his life story and confessed to having desires as a boy that are close to my heart now. In his teaching he covered Psalm 31 and linked that to how the Lord has guided his life with a very specific purpose and has also given him the desires of the heart he had as a young man. And he offered Psalm 31:24 as a comfort at the end. Well, that was it. I know what I am supposed to do now.
Looking at the Psalms, I realize that the Psalm the Lord lead me to and the one Bo quoted were actually two different ones, but with almost the same ending:
"Wait for the Lord; be strong, and take heart, and wait for the Lord"
Psalm 27:14 (What the Lord led me to)
"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord"
Psalm 31:24 (What Bo used in his teaching)
Peace in Christ,
-David
Monday, December 31, 2007
You Can Lead a Horse to Water...
Having no current work has given me a lot of time to think, which often translates into these mile-long notes- and the next thing I have thought of after talking about all of this stuff regarding family is how I react to my Christian family that I have been placed in.
I find myself trying incredibly hard to get these Christian people to like me. For the first time, I have found people who I actually CARE what they think about me and try to constantly justify myself to them. I love my new family that God has placed me in, but I feel like there's a lot of catching up to do. I want people to know me. I want people to understand me. I want people to want to love me, not just because "God says so" but because I am actually a lovable person. Maybe I want to avoid grace as much as possible. That could be. But I also feel like being in this Christian family is like being a kid in a candy store for someone like me who wants to have deep and honest relationships. And so I spend a lot of energy try to explain myself and put myself out there through notes like this and so on. The problem is that I do things like this, I tell people that they are my friend and can come to me for anything, and nobody comes to me. Sometimes I am even told that I am so by another, and yet when something is wrong I am entrusted to nothing. This used to be a complaint, but now for me it's more a statement of fact than anything else, I've come to accept it.
So I've been going for a while now wondering why that is. I suspect there are reasons on the part of the recipient and also the sender (me).
The body of Christ is a family. Yet, there are a lot of people who do not treat it as such. I think one of the biggest problems here is that I think there are many people who do not see the body of Christ as a family. Perhaps they are afraid to become close to people because their first family was destroyed, or they were hurt by someone else they were in close fellowship to. Perhaps they are not saved and do not really know what it means to be bound to one another in the spirit, united by a love of God, each other and His purpose. Perhaps they already have friends and family and do not want for anything, and so they do not see addressing the church as a family as something that is necessary. They can afford to stand apart.
These people are no less of a problem than I am- because I have my own flaws. I am a person who loves zealously. That works GREAT for loving God- you can never love Him enough and he'll always accept your love- but people are a little different. I am a person who came into this fellowship here and got exactly what I wanted (hence the kid in a candy store example above). The thing is, some people need time to get close. Some people do not jump into the pool all at once (I do). I don't understand those people :D, but I have to accept the fact that that is how they react to this whole family thing. So, I think, when someone like me comes along writing mini-novels and tagging people with reckless abandon, I suspect that there are probably a few people who are turned off by that kind of behavior. Perhaps a couple of those people have been tagged in this note.
I can't change how people react. I can't change other people. I can pray for them- but I can't change them. So there is not much I can do about people who do not receive love or honesty well. I could probably write exhaustively (in the sense that it would probably exhaust the reader) about how they could fix that issue, but I feel right now that is not something that is my place to give a thorough treatment on. I will say that perhaps those people need to honestly look at themselves, see the fear and find a way to vanquish it...and we know from scripture that perfect love drives out fear. There is only one source of perfect love, and that is God. Therefore, when we are afraid, me must go to God and ask him to drive away our fears. That is a very convenient thing for somebody from my point of view to say, given that I'm usually the guy wanting his love to be accepted, but I will also say that I also have to accept that I may not necessarily be the person that the recipient needs to be close to.
What I can change is how I express my love to people. In a word, I need discernment. Instead of just...blasting people with love, I need to gauge whether or not a person can handle the amount of openness I'm going to give them. I also need to be patient, and not force the issue by giving them something they are not ready to handle. And, perhaps the most challenging thing for me, accept that there are some who will not love me to the degree that I love them. Ouch. Just saying that to me is like hugging a cactus or playing catch with a sea urchin. In many ways, this is like dealing with people who are not saved. Open engagement and debate, calling people out- a lot of times that shuts people down, causes them to lock up.
You can lead a horse to water...but you can't make it drink. That is something that I need to grasp and accept. Sometimes, it's a very difficult thing to do, because you love someone so much, but have to sit there and let them not allow themselves to be loved. A while ago, people tried to love me and I rejected them. I suspect that this caused them to wish that I would allow them to love me and help but I would not. How many people do you know that you wish with all of your being that they would accept Christ into their lives, but all you can do is wait? You can lead a horse to water...but you can't make it drink.
I will not apologize for wanting to be loved and to be known, but I will apologize if I have ever written things that, instead of helping you open up to being loved by your new family have caused you to shrink back instead. I apologize if I have ever made you wonder if you HAVE to share private things because I wish that you would reciprocate, or if I told you things you would rather not have known (the infamous "overshare"). I apologize if I have ever made myself seem uncaring about other people's needs and boundaries by throwing them things in their lap they did not want (i.e. giving you trust that you weren't ready for). I apologize if I have tried so hard to justify myself to you that I whipped the quills out like a porcupine even before you asked any questions. I do that not because I want to fight, but because I value your opinion so much that I do not want you to think I haven't thought things through or that am foolish (which I am anyway). If you are someone to whom these apologies were necessary and do not want me tagging you in notes anymore, please send me a private message saying so. The David Hynes Fan Club is a volunteer only organization, and I intend to keep it that way ;D .
To everyone else...thanks for accepting me in all of my desperate times of madness, and dealing with me in grace and love. Thank you for calling me out, and not putting up with my BS. Perhaps most of all, thank you for accepting my offerings of love. I will try not to make you regret it.
Peace in Christ,
-David
I find myself trying incredibly hard to get these Christian people to like me. For the first time, I have found people who I actually CARE what they think about me and try to constantly justify myself to them. I love my new family that God has placed me in, but I feel like there's a lot of catching up to do. I want people to know me. I want people to understand me. I want people to want to love me, not just because "God says so" but because I am actually a lovable person. Maybe I want to avoid grace as much as possible. That could be. But I also feel like being in this Christian family is like being a kid in a candy store for someone like me who wants to have deep and honest relationships. And so I spend a lot of energy try to explain myself and put myself out there through notes like this and so on. The problem is that I do things like this, I tell people that they are my friend and can come to me for anything, and nobody comes to me. Sometimes I am even told that I am so by another, and yet when something is wrong I am entrusted to nothing. This used to be a complaint, but now for me it's more a statement of fact than anything else, I've come to accept it.
So I've been going for a while now wondering why that is. I suspect there are reasons on the part of the recipient and also the sender (me).
The body of Christ is a family. Yet, there are a lot of people who do not treat it as such. I think one of the biggest problems here is that I think there are many people who do not see the body of Christ as a family. Perhaps they are afraid to become close to people because their first family was destroyed, or they were hurt by someone else they were in close fellowship to. Perhaps they are not saved and do not really know what it means to be bound to one another in the spirit, united by a love of God, each other and His purpose. Perhaps they already have friends and family and do not want for anything, and so they do not see addressing the church as a family as something that is necessary. They can afford to stand apart.
These people are no less of a problem than I am- because I have my own flaws. I am a person who loves zealously. That works GREAT for loving God- you can never love Him enough and he'll always accept your love- but people are a little different. I am a person who came into this fellowship here and got exactly what I wanted (hence the kid in a candy store example above). The thing is, some people need time to get close. Some people do not jump into the pool all at once (I do). I don't understand those people :D, but I have to accept the fact that that is how they react to this whole family thing. So, I think, when someone like me comes along writing mini-novels and tagging people with reckless abandon, I suspect that there are probably a few people who are turned off by that kind of behavior. Perhaps a couple of those people have been tagged in this note.
I can't change how people react. I can't change other people. I can pray for them- but I can't change them. So there is not much I can do about people who do not receive love or honesty well. I could probably write exhaustively (in the sense that it would probably exhaust the reader) about how they could fix that issue, but I feel right now that is not something that is my place to give a thorough treatment on. I will say that perhaps those people need to honestly look at themselves, see the fear and find a way to vanquish it...and we know from scripture that perfect love drives out fear. There is only one source of perfect love, and that is God. Therefore, when we are afraid, me must go to God and ask him to drive away our fears. That is a very convenient thing for somebody from my point of view to say, given that I'm usually the guy wanting his love to be accepted, but I will also say that I also have to accept that I may not necessarily be the person that the recipient needs to be close to.
What I can change is how I express my love to people. In a word, I need discernment. Instead of just...blasting people with love, I need to gauge whether or not a person can handle the amount of openness I'm going to give them. I also need to be patient, and not force the issue by giving them something they are not ready to handle. And, perhaps the most challenging thing for me, accept that there are some who will not love me to the degree that I love them. Ouch. Just saying that to me is like hugging a cactus or playing catch with a sea urchin. In many ways, this is like dealing with people who are not saved. Open engagement and debate, calling people out- a lot of times that shuts people down, causes them to lock up.
You can lead a horse to water...but you can't make it drink. That is something that I need to grasp and accept. Sometimes, it's a very difficult thing to do, because you love someone so much, but have to sit there and let them not allow themselves to be loved. A while ago, people tried to love me and I rejected them. I suspect that this caused them to wish that I would allow them to love me and help but I would not. How many people do you know that you wish with all of your being that they would accept Christ into their lives, but all you can do is wait? You can lead a horse to water...but you can't make it drink.
I will not apologize for wanting to be loved and to be known, but I will apologize if I have ever written things that, instead of helping you open up to being loved by your new family have caused you to shrink back instead. I apologize if I have ever made you wonder if you HAVE to share private things because I wish that you would reciprocate, or if I told you things you would rather not have known (the infamous "overshare"). I apologize if I have ever made myself seem uncaring about other people's needs and boundaries by throwing them things in their lap they did not want (i.e. giving you trust that you weren't ready for). I apologize if I have tried so hard to justify myself to you that I whipped the quills out like a porcupine even before you asked any questions. I do that not because I want to fight, but because I value your opinion so much that I do not want you to think I haven't thought things through or that am foolish (which I am anyway). If you are someone to whom these apologies were necessary and do not want me tagging you in notes anymore, please send me a private message saying so. The David Hynes Fan Club is a volunteer only organization, and I intend to keep it that way ;D .
To everyone else...thanks for accepting me in all of my desperate times of madness, and dealing with me in grace and love. Thank you for calling me out, and not putting up with my BS. Perhaps most of all, thank you for accepting my offerings of love. I will try not to make you regret it.
Peace in Christ,
-David
Friday, December 28, 2007
Cutting My Bloodlines- The Kingdom and The World
In this two-part series of notes I'm trying to get down to this issue: How do I deal with my family?
So far I have taken an honest look about how I feel about my family of "blood and marriage" and have found out some scary things about what I think and want. I want separation...bad. I also established that in coming here, I have been given a new family, the Kingdom of Heaven, my Brothers and Sisters in Christ. There now lies a tension between my two families: My family of the World and my family of the Kingdom.
I want to sweep aside my emotions and nettlesome thoughts and questions and really look at how GOD wants me to handle this thing. So I'm going to start with Scripture. I am finding out more and more that the Bible is a book of tensions, and that our faith is a balancing act.
The first thing I came across was 1 Timothy 5:3-4. I know the context isn't exactly right, because Paul is talking about taking care of widows, but he says this:
"But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God."
Furthermore, Jesus says in Mark 7:9-13 that "You have a fine way of setting aside the commandments of God in order to observe your own traditions! For Moses said 'Honor your father and mother,' and 'anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.' But you say that if a man says to his father or mother: 'Whatever help you might have received from me is Corban' (that is, a gift devoted to God), then you no longer let him do anything for his father or mother. Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down."
So what is being said in this scripture is that you should not abandon your family, but take care of them when they need help. That makes sense, and is something that I have been willing to do, though I am more the one in need than anyone else in the financial sense. However, aside from respecting your parents and family, the Bible seems to say little in the way of your proximity to them or involvement with them. There are also some other counterbalancing factors at work here:
"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn 'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter in law against her mother in law- a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.' " Matthew 10:34-36
Woah. Not your typical Christmas-ey holiday cheer explanation for Christ's birth, huh. But he keeps going-
"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." Matthew 10:37-39
This is an interesting and personal verse for me. I used to love my dad more than God for a very significant amount of time, and it has only been in the last few years of my life that I have learned to love God above all others. But this verse is basically saying to me that you have to put God and his calling first and above everything else. But God will not call you to leave your family- or would he?
"Peter said to him, 'We have left everything to follow you!'
'I tell you the truth,' Jesus replied, 'No one has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and fields- and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.' " Mark 10:28-31
"God sets the lonely in families" Psalm 68:6
I have found that those past two selections are very true. The fellowship I have received because of my faith has blessed me immensely more than even what I had before (which, I am going to be honest, never felt like much at all).
So, I suppose my question then should be, what am I being called to? Am I being called away from my family? My instincts say yes. I have been miraculously brought here to college (ask me to tell you the story some time), which is away from my family (sort of), and the Lord has clearly blessed it. I just checked my grades from this semester from my first helping of serious Geology classes, and I can see that I have been blessed there and also in my Chinese language course. I feel a desire to do missions work in China or Taiwan and while I have not yet received a direct affirmation of this goal, God has been answering my prayers to help me grasp the language, which is a sign to me it means something to him that I can speak the language. Or maybe God is allowing me to have the desires of my heart. I am not sure.
So if I am called away, I should go (and will go happily, because where I have gone in faith I have been blessed and loved). At the same time, I must give my family the respect they deserve and not abandon them when they need help. That seems fair. I think that my sensitivity regarding this issue really is that I want to be independent, I want to be a man who makes his own decisions and I want people to respect that. The next step of my life is that I leave my father and mother to become one flesh with someone else (Gen 2:24). I need to be able to do that, and I feel that escaping the gravity of my family is essential for that purpose. A lot of times I feel like a fly in a spider's web.
I think that the solution to this is that I become more patient. I think this goes back to the thing I have mentioned before: I'm looking ahead too much. Again.
So I think that I will finish this with scripture that seems particularly apt.
"I am still confident in this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
- Psalm 27:13-14
Peace in Christ,
-David
So far I have taken an honest look about how I feel about my family of "blood and marriage" and have found out some scary things about what I think and want. I want separation...bad. I also established that in coming here, I have been given a new family, the Kingdom of Heaven, my Brothers and Sisters in Christ. There now lies a tension between my two families: My family of the World and my family of the Kingdom.
I want to sweep aside my emotions and nettlesome thoughts and questions and really look at how GOD wants me to handle this thing. So I'm going to start with Scripture. I am finding out more and more that the Bible is a book of tensions, and that our faith is a balancing act.
The first thing I came across was 1 Timothy 5:3-4. I know the context isn't exactly right, because Paul is talking about taking care of widows, but he says this:
"But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God."
Furthermore, Jesus says in Mark 7:9-13 that "You have a fine way of setting aside the commandments of God in order to observe your own traditions! For Moses said 'Honor your father and mother,' and 'anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.' But you say that if a man says to his father or mother: 'Whatever help you might have received from me is Corban' (that is, a gift devoted to God), then you no longer let him do anything for his father or mother. Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down."
So what is being said in this scripture is that you should not abandon your family, but take care of them when they need help. That makes sense, and is something that I have been willing to do, though I am more the one in need than anyone else in the financial sense. However, aside from respecting your parents and family, the Bible seems to say little in the way of your proximity to them or involvement with them. There are also some other counterbalancing factors at work here:
"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn 'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter in law against her mother in law- a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.' " Matthew 10:34-36
Woah. Not your typical Christmas-ey holiday cheer explanation for Christ's birth, huh. But he keeps going-
"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." Matthew 10:37-39
This is an interesting and personal verse for me. I used to love my dad more than God for a very significant amount of time, and it has only been in the last few years of my life that I have learned to love God above all others. But this verse is basically saying to me that you have to put God and his calling first and above everything else. But God will not call you to leave your family- or would he?
"Peter said to him, 'We have left everything to follow you!'
'I tell you the truth,' Jesus replied, 'No one has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and fields- and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.' " Mark 10:28-31
"God sets the lonely in families" Psalm 68:6
I have found that those past two selections are very true. The fellowship I have received because of my faith has blessed me immensely more than even what I had before (which, I am going to be honest, never felt like much at all).
So, I suppose my question then should be, what am I being called to? Am I being called away from my family? My instincts say yes. I have been miraculously brought here to college (ask me to tell you the story some time), which is away from my family (sort of), and the Lord has clearly blessed it. I just checked my grades from this semester from my first helping of serious Geology classes, and I can see that I have been blessed there and also in my Chinese language course. I feel a desire to do missions work in China or Taiwan and while I have not yet received a direct affirmation of this goal, God has been answering my prayers to help me grasp the language, which is a sign to me it means something to him that I can speak the language. Or maybe God is allowing me to have the desires of my heart. I am not sure.
So if I am called away, I should go (and will go happily, because where I have gone in faith I have been blessed and loved). At the same time, I must give my family the respect they deserve and not abandon them when they need help. That seems fair. I think that my sensitivity regarding this issue really is that I want to be independent, I want to be a man who makes his own decisions and I want people to respect that. The next step of my life is that I leave my father and mother to become one flesh with someone else (Gen 2:24). I need to be able to do that, and I feel that escaping the gravity of my family is essential for that purpose. A lot of times I feel like a fly in a spider's web.
I think that the solution to this is that I become more patient. I think this goes back to the thing I have mentioned before: I'm looking ahead too much. Again.
So I think that I will finish this with scripture that seems particularly apt.
"I am still confident in this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
- Psalm 27:13-14
Peace in Christ,
-David
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Cutting My Bloodlines- The Problem
The holidays, for the most part, are over. Today I have talked to some good friends who I haven't seen in a bit and am looking forward to seeing more. Uncertain as to what to do with myself, I experiment with my new wah pedal and in a delusion of grandeur driven by the euphoria I get from making cool new sounds with old chord progressions I imagine playing crazy funk music from the 70's. In the quiet after my distortion addled guitar playing slows down, my thoughts turn again to family, to this holiday time.
1. A fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children.
2. Two or more people who share goals and values, have long-term commitments to one another, and reside usually in the same dwelling place.
3. A group of like things; a class.
4. A group of individuals derived from a common stock: the family of human beings.
2. All the members of a household under one roof.
3. A group of persons sharing common ancestry. See Usage Note at collective noun.
4. Lineage, especially distinguished lineage.
5. A locally independent organized crime unit, as of the Cosa Nostra.
1. A group of like things; a class.
2. A group of individuals derived from a common stock: the family of human beings.
I'm going to excavate even deeper, though, because I feel that there is more to expose to the light. When (if) I have a family of my own, what does this attitude of mine towards my blood family mean? Does this mean that when people get screwed up, I walk away? Do I say "Screw this I'm out of here" and leave those people behind to rot, too? Where does the disownment stop? At what point do I stop being a reasonable guy who's trying to avoid the fallout and become a coward? Was this disownment of the heart OK in the first place, or am I being a coward now, too? Turn the other cheek. Stand up and fight. What do I do? I have completed my excavation of myself and THE question in its entirety that makes me afraid, the monolithic fear underneath all of it is this: WHAT IF I CAN'T STOP DISOWNING PEOPLE IN MY HEART, AND WORSE, WHAT IF I TRY TO DISOWN GOD?
Thursday, December 20, 2007
The Daughters of the Lord
I am a man of little experience. This past year, I have had more experience with women than ever before.
In my experience, I have been surprised by something. I have learned that they, like me, have the same fears, but merely show them in different ways. I have learned that they, like me, can be stubborn and unwilling to accept grace. I have also learned that they can be wise, discerning, faithful, honest, good natured, patient, and full of the Holy Spirit. I have found that, in my sight, women are not that different from men. We all have the same needs. We all need love. We all need joy. The only difference lies in how we display our desires for them, and how we go about getting them.
I have been utterly blessed by your presence, and it is my hope that we (men) are a blessing to you. That is what I aspire to, and what I hope my Brothers in Christ who are with me aspire to. I want to thank the Sisters of Christ that I have in my life, who have shone the light of Christ in a brilliant display to me. Every night now for the past week, I have prayed "that I will be worthy of your daughters, Lord." That is not merely said for the pursuit of romance, but to be worthy of the precious few friends of mine who are women, to be worthy of the fellowship of those with whom I serve, and to be worthy of the presence of those I see on rare and blessed occasions.
This is my encouragement to all of my Sisters in Christ: Remain strong in your faith, because your influence goes farther than you know. Though many of you do not interact with me directly or often, my respect and reverence for women has only increased as I have been here, that is nothing less than a testament to all of you being the women that Christ has called you to be. When you pull back the veil and let the light of Christ shine, it travels without limitations. I know that this light has fallen on me from you as an outlet. I know of its presence from the sweet harmonies you sing to the Lord, your generosity, your outpouring of the spirit in prayer, your concern for others, your simple acts of kindness, your words of encouragement, your patience, your quiet endurance. When that light is on display, I can only describe it in the inadequate medium of words as "awesome".
Thank You. I am honored to stand by you in the Lord's Kingdom, you beautiful Daughters of Christ
In my experience, I have been surprised by something. I have learned that they, like me, have the same fears, but merely show them in different ways. I have learned that they, like me, can be stubborn and unwilling to accept grace. I have also learned that they can be wise, discerning, faithful, honest, good natured, patient, and full of the Holy Spirit. I have found that, in my sight, women are not that different from men. We all have the same needs. We all need love. We all need joy. The only difference lies in how we display our desires for them, and how we go about getting them.
I have been utterly blessed by your presence, and it is my hope that we (men) are a blessing to you. That is what I aspire to, and what I hope my Brothers in Christ who are with me aspire to. I want to thank the Sisters of Christ that I have in my life, who have shone the light of Christ in a brilliant display to me. Every night now for the past week, I have prayed "that I will be worthy of your daughters, Lord." That is not merely said for the pursuit of romance, but to be worthy of the precious few friends of mine who are women, to be worthy of the fellowship of those with whom I serve, and to be worthy of the presence of those I see on rare and blessed occasions.
This is my encouragement to all of my Sisters in Christ: Remain strong in your faith, because your influence goes farther than you know. Though many of you do not interact with me directly or often, my respect and reverence for women has only increased as I have been here, that is nothing less than a testament to all of you being the women that Christ has called you to be. When you pull back the veil and let the light of Christ shine, it travels without limitations. I know that this light has fallen on me from you as an outlet. I know of its presence from the sweet harmonies you sing to the Lord, your generosity, your outpouring of the spirit in prayer, your concern for others, your simple acts of kindness, your words of encouragement, your patience, your quiet endurance. When that light is on display, I can only describe it in the inadequate medium of words as "awesome".
Thank You. I am honored to stand by you in the Lord's Kingdom, you beautiful Daughters of Christ
Monday, December 10, 2007
The Souce of What I Thirst For
One thing after writing my previous note "The Fear of Separation" which struck me almost immediately was that I do not appreciate the friends that I have nearly to the degree I should. I am a lonely person by nature- by now I think it just goes with the territory of being me. But here I am, with more friends who I can go to and tell them ANYTHING about myself than I can count on tw- okay, one hand. Still. I am not nearsighted enough. Let me explain what I mean.
First of all, this "nearsightedness" and the idea of "sight" that I talk about in THIS note is in terms of friendships, love, and trying to perceive the future of those things, not anything else. God wants me to be nearsighted. He does not want me to be concerned for the future. The future is God's business, and is His to know and to mold. The present is where I must keep my eyes fixed. Here I, as David Hynes have access to more love than many lonely people on this Earth, and yet I cannot appreciate it. It is because my eyes are fixed on the future. Here I sit, wringing my hands about questions like "Who will love me?" "How many friends will I have left here in 2 years when everyone is gone but me?" "Should I start making younger friends so that when the older ones are gone I will still have some?" and of course, the most nagging and personal question of all (for me) "Will I ever have a family?," or to go dangerously deeper down that rabbit hole: "Am I lovable enough that someone will want to start one with me?" All of these questions are far-sighted, and cause unnecessary worry, trouble, and make me miss the point of what I am receiving now.
But I do more than ask questions. I want guarantees. Documents in writing that I won't be left out in the cold. I think that while I do truly love those good friends I have, I am indeed also a man who keeps a careful tally, a bean counter of love, so to speak. I tally what I have like rice on a scale, and with nervous hands and suspicious eyes horde them jealously. And when a single grain slips between my fingers and falls into a crack in the floor where I cannot reach, up goes my accusatory finger in some vaguely heavenward direction asking bitterly where the promises of love are. I am jealous of the World (and God) when they take my friends from me, and I am not willing to part with anyone. I am greedy for it. The Lord says that we are thirsty, and it is so true with me. I am thirsty with reckless abandon, like a man driven mad by thirst in a desert place.
I think that I must come to understand something. Why is it that I cannot stand to be parted with my Brothers and Sisters in Christ? Why is it I fear their loss and separation? I think that now I know. It is because the light and the love of Christ is in such a brilliant display in them, that here on Earth the love of God becomes real, though it is disguised in the form of another human like me. That love and that grace, the living waters that the Lord offers which they have within them, I want more, more, MORE! But instead of recognizing where this love, this water comes from, and going straight to the source, I only see it coming from and therefore only demand it of people. The Lord talks about giving water to those who are thirsty. I go to these people who have it and try to get it from them. And so when they go away, or do not respond to the demands, I feel like I am left destitute. My thirst is not slaked. And my "crazy thirsty guy in the desert" trend continues.
Now that I understand this, I must not make this mistake of going to the carriers of this water. My error is that I am relying on people to show me the love that God gives, and not on God. I am missing the point. The point of the love which we display is to point people to Christ. Ohmygosh, another connection. The woman at the well in one of the Gospels (Mark? Luke?) says that she wants the water Christ says that he has. And now with us having Christ within us, other people will see it and ask...and we point to Him. Simple, but I think I just caught that. And Christ pointed to himself at the time because get this...He was the only one at that point who had that water, AND he also happened to be the source. Now we have it, and when people see it and want it we point them towards the source. I know I know, it's like pointing out that birds have wings, I mean duh, congrats on figuring out what our job is on Earth, right? But I still am amazed by it anyway.
I must go to the source of this water, this love that I thirst for. I must, instead of asking for and expecting more of those who show Christ's love and grace, thank the Lord that He is so awesome that His love is made manifest in our corrupt flesh, that he pours his waters out on all who go to Him. I need only to see the source of what I desire, and go to Him. Then I can stop all the "tearing my hair out because I don't know why I am surrounded by love but can't FEEL it or have any of it" nonsense that I think has been going on with me for a while now.
Really, is so funny how we struggle with the most fundamental things of our faith. You think I'd be able to grasp the concept by now...
Okay, now for a totally irrelevant tangent. I am now going to totally geek out on the whole "Christ in all Christians" thing. What I am about to say reminds me of all of the "Batman vs. Superman" debates... [Commence Geeking Out] I think this is why I like Easter way more than Christmas. God coming in the form of one person's flesh is Awesome- but God residing in that of all who follow Him? That's Crazy Awesome on a magnitude we can scarcely comprehend. The immaculate conception was a parlor trick by comparison. When the devil realized what God had done, that he had multiplied Christ to a staggering degree, he must have been horrified. It'd be like playing a football game and then all of the sudden the fans in the stands start running on-field and messing up your game plan. Or, in a somewhat ironic twist of an example (this one will get your concept of good an evil scrambled!), when Neo has to fight off a million Agent Smiths in The Matrix: Reloaded, because he destroyed the one Agent Smith in the first movie. In fact, that's pretty much exactly what it is like. There are so many of us at this point, all in Christ's likeness, that the enemy is overwhelmed. So if there is one thing you can take away from this note, it is that Agent Smith= Jesus/Us Allowing Christ to Act Through Us :D (I sincerely hope that is not all you learned...). God is so cool. The Holy Spirit is so cool. [End Geek Out]
As usual, thanks for listening. Be blessed with the Peace of Christ as you live your lives for Him. Work as though unto the Lord in your finals and stuff. Don't be lazy like me, writing Facebook Notes when I should be reviewing Chinese...!
First of all, this "nearsightedness" and the idea of "sight" that I talk about in THIS note is in terms of friendships, love, and trying to perceive the future of those things, not anything else. God wants me to be nearsighted. He does not want me to be concerned for the future. The future is God's business, and is His to know and to mold. The present is where I must keep my eyes fixed. Here I, as David Hynes have access to more love than many lonely people on this Earth, and yet I cannot appreciate it. It is because my eyes are fixed on the future. Here I sit, wringing my hands about questions like "Who will love me?" "How many friends will I have left here in 2 years when everyone is gone but me?" "Should I start making younger friends so that when the older ones are gone I will still have some?" and of course, the most nagging and personal question of all (for me) "Will I ever have a family?," or to go dangerously deeper down that rabbit hole: "Am I lovable enough that someone will want to start one with me?" All of these questions are far-sighted, and cause unnecessary worry, trouble, and make me miss the point of what I am receiving now.
But I do more than ask questions. I want guarantees. Documents in writing that I won't be left out in the cold. I think that while I do truly love those good friends I have, I am indeed also a man who keeps a careful tally, a bean counter of love, so to speak. I tally what I have like rice on a scale, and with nervous hands and suspicious eyes horde them jealously. And when a single grain slips between my fingers and falls into a crack in the floor where I cannot reach, up goes my accusatory finger in some vaguely heavenward direction asking bitterly where the promises of love are. I am jealous of the World (and God) when they take my friends from me, and I am not willing to part with anyone. I am greedy for it. The Lord says that we are thirsty, and it is so true with me. I am thirsty with reckless abandon, like a man driven mad by thirst in a desert place.
I think that I must come to understand something. Why is it that I cannot stand to be parted with my Brothers and Sisters in Christ? Why is it I fear their loss and separation? I think that now I know. It is because the light and the love of Christ is in such a brilliant display in them, that here on Earth the love of God becomes real, though it is disguised in the form of another human like me. That love and that grace, the living waters that the Lord offers which they have within them, I want more, more, MORE! But instead of recognizing where this love, this water comes from, and going straight to the source, I only see it coming from and therefore only demand it of people. The Lord talks about giving water to those who are thirsty. I go to these people who have it and try to get it from them. And so when they go away, or do not respond to the demands, I feel like I am left destitute. My thirst is not slaked. And my "crazy thirsty guy in the desert" trend continues.
Now that I understand this, I must not make this mistake of going to the carriers of this water. My error is that I am relying on people to show me the love that God gives, and not on God. I am missing the point. The point of the love which we display is to point people to Christ. Ohmygosh, another connection. The woman at the well in one of the Gospels (Mark? Luke?) says that she wants the water Christ says that he has. And now with us having Christ within us, other people will see it and ask...and we point to Him. Simple, but I think I just caught that. And Christ pointed to himself at the time because get this...He was the only one at that point who had that water, AND he also happened to be the source. Now we have it, and when people see it and want it we point them towards the source. I know I know, it's like pointing out that birds have wings, I mean duh, congrats on figuring out what our job is on Earth, right? But I still am amazed by it anyway.
I must go to the source of this water, this love that I thirst for. I must, instead of asking for and expecting more of those who show Christ's love and grace, thank the Lord that He is so awesome that His love is made manifest in our corrupt flesh, that he pours his waters out on all who go to Him. I need only to see the source of what I desire, and go to Him. Then I can stop all the "tearing my hair out because I don't know why I am surrounded by love but can't FEEL it or have any of it" nonsense that I think has been going on with me for a while now.
Really, is so funny how we struggle with the most fundamental things of our faith. You think I'd be able to grasp the concept by now...
Okay, now for a totally irrelevant tangent. I am now going to totally geek out on the whole "Christ in all Christians" thing. What I am about to say reminds me of all of the "Batman vs. Superman" debates... [Commence Geeking Out] I think this is why I like Easter way more than Christmas. God coming in the form of one person's flesh is Awesome- but God residing in that of all who follow Him? That's Crazy Awesome on a magnitude we can scarcely comprehend. The immaculate conception was a parlor trick by comparison. When the devil realized what God had done, that he had multiplied Christ to a staggering degree, he must have been horrified. It'd be like playing a football game and then all of the sudden the fans in the stands start running on-field and messing up your game plan. Or, in a somewhat ironic twist of an example (this one will get your concept of good an evil scrambled!), when Neo has to fight off a million Agent Smiths in The Matrix: Reloaded, because he destroyed the one Agent Smith in the first movie. In fact, that's pretty much exactly what it is like. There are so many of us at this point, all in Christ's likeness, that the enemy is overwhelmed. So if there is one thing you can take away from this note, it is that Agent Smith= Jesus/Us Allowing Christ to Act Through Us :D (I sincerely hope that is not all you learned...). God is so cool. The Holy Spirit is so cool. [End Geek Out]
As usual, thanks for listening. Be blessed with the Peace of Christ as you live your lives for Him. Work as though unto the Lord in your finals and stuff. Don't be lazy like me, writing Facebook Notes when I should be reviewing Chinese...!
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Funny Stuff
So Mitchell showed me this hilarious comedy band called "The Flight of the Conchords."
Well, not all of their stuff is funny, but these things definitely are:
Albi, The Racist Dragon
The Hiphopappotomus VS The Rhymenoceros
"Did Steve tell you that? :D"
Bret, You Got It Going On
It's Business Time
I'm already learning how to play this song. I've got the chorus down- just need to get the verse stuff right :D
Well, not all of their stuff is funny, but these things definitely are:
Albi, The Racist Dragon
The Hiphopappotomus VS The Rhymenoceros
"Did Steve tell you that? :D"
Bret, You Got It Going On
It's Business Time
I'm already learning how to play this song. I've got the chorus down- just need to get the verse stuff right :D
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