Split down the middle

Ah, the semester is almost over and I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Sorry about the absence- I have been quite busy and also haven't had any big revelations/inspirations, at least ones that I felt the urge to type here.

Saturday Night Alive is going OK, but we seriously need to communicate better. Hopefully, we'll be able to give the system a good overhaul when the semester is over. People tell me that I am actually pretty good at playing guitar now (relative to how I was playing, of course).

I also played for IV for the first time (officially, with the instrument of choice) it went OK, but lack of fellowship on the worship team on my part made things...difficult. I felt like a bit of an outsider. But I know that will go away with time, as I get to know people.

I really am quite strange. I love InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, but I don't often fellowship with the people there who are my friends, and I don't do IV's book studies or small groups any more. But I move stuff for the worship team and now have played for them. Not only that, but I also love to go on IV retreats and I loved going to Kentucky, and it is my anxious hope I will be able to go again this year.

Yet most of my time is spent with Saturday Night Alive and the people there. It is certainly not wasted. Some of my closest mentors and friends come from SNA, and I am thankful that they have given a greenhorn like me the chance to really lead when I couldn't have a shot elsewhere (mostly because there are so many better candidates for pretty much everything than me).

I feel that IV's leadership and duties take a shine to people who are outgoing or who are willing to outreach and evangelize and things like that. On the one hand, I see that as an obvious and legitimate need/emphasis. Christians should be out there with the message, and should not be insular. I am a Christian, after all, the ultimate goal is to spread the Gospel and help people come to Christ. But I am not a Christian who feels called at all to evangelism, because I am not a charismatic, engaging or disarming person (here's looking at you, Adam!), and cannot just go up to someone and start trying to sell them my religious beliefs. Even outreach, which I define as bringing non-Christians to Christian events, is something that I do not really do. A lot of times, I feel this leaves my value as a leader in question and makes me hesitant to commit myself wholly to IV.

I guess the way to put it is that I see IV as being a machine (NOT in the typical Matrix-esque "evil machines" kind of way) and I am a weird shaped gear that does not fit into the IV machine at all. I took the leadership training, and haven't lead a small group or done anything of the sort since the time when I lead what you would call "mini-small groups" for Summer IV. I think the new area system they have is great, but ironically I don't have an interest in my area (which is off campus), nor am I sure if I want to be interested. I feel like I'm halfway between an IV leader and one of the "not-leader" people who is just along for the ride. I like elements of being both. As a leader, I like being behind the scenes and making things happen, serving people, making them feel at home or blessed. As a follower...I like having the option to step out when things aren't going my way. Call that as you will.

That, and my work with SNA also consumes much of my time which might be spent at IV things. Not that this is bad, but it is a reality that I have kind of committed myself to something else. I wish sometimes that there were two of me, and that one could serve fully with IV and another with SNA. I love both ministries and the people in them dearly, and owe both immense gratitude for helping me grow as a Christian. It was this gratitude which made me want to do SOMETHING (anything!) for IV this semester in addition to what I was doing at SNA. My first real friend in IV told me that I could not be a Nomad (what I referred to myself as during Freshman year) forever, drifting in and out of different ministries. What he says is true.

All of this is really just a thing on the surface, and like an iceberg most of the mass is beneath it.

In many ways, I would rather cut back on school to make time for ministry...I love being in ministry. As of now, it is my happy place. When I am moving speakers for the worship team at IV, I am happy. When I am "refusing to not have fun" with Brian during worship practice, I am happy. When I play "How He Loves" at SNA and the Holy Spirit hits me so hard it knocks me to my knees while playing, I am happy. When I can cut 2x4s to make stairs with Jess and Megan Lord knows how many miles away from home for someone I'll never know, I'm happy. When I can crack jokes with Ben about Boone and pluck wild flowers from the mountains for him (I still have picture of you with the flowers in your hair, Ben :D ), drink Cheerwine/Navigate with Andrew and split wood with Jeff, I am happy. When I can confess my heart to my brothers in Christ (you know who you are), and hold them up as they hold me up, I am happy. When I play volleyball with Taka & Co., get blinded when Sotty takes his shirt off, and dance the Charleston in between sets because I feel like acting like a fool, I am happy. Not just happy, but filled with joy. And if I cannot be filled with joy with people that I know and love (even if I only know them on the surface), I will be very sad.

There may come a time when my responsibilities in either SNA or IV and the inevitable time constraints of "real life" (man, do I hate that place! Who invented "real life" anyways!?) force me to choose between the two ministries I love, and I dread that day's arrival. Already, I have had a parting with friends whom I love dearly but cannot see, but cannot enjoy life with- Mi, Steve, Rita & Jake, Joe, and others. Knowing what it is like, I am not afraid to say it is something I fear.

Even as I write this, I am really unsure of how to become happy or hopeful regarding this matter. But I think that, if I look at the truth I know, perhaps hope and the prospect of joy will come to me again. That truth is that there will come a time when eternity is ours, and I will eat with all of my beloved brothers and sisters in Christ at Christ the King's table, and there will be no separation, no departure from one another, no tears of parting or sentimental sorrows of good times past, but only a past of joy, a present of jubilee, and a future of abounding love.

You know what? I believe that what God is offering me is worth going through the separation and parting that I fear. God asks that I pull it together and follow Him where he leads me, His promise being that I will see them all again and have joy with them as I never have before. That, I think, is something I can do for Him.