Thought Engine

Samson

2008-06-10T22:17:00.002-04:00

I asked God if he could indulge my desire to write a song about Samson. I see Samson as a sad story. He was a judge and a killer, but I think all he really wanted was to have a family like me. In that way, I feel like Samson. So strong and set apart, but at the same time so alone and yearning for something simple and fulfilling.

I don’t want to be like Samson and let my pride cause me to take God for granted. I don’t want to be like Samson and let my pride cause me to take things before their time, like when he slept with the prostitute or was with Delilah. Samson’s eyes were put out long before the Philistines removed them; he lost them when he went to the prostitute and murdered his own dream by trying to take hold of the wrong thing at the wrong time. He became blind in the spirit, and eventually, how he was in the spirit manifested on this earth. He became blind to danger, to his pride and forgot his errors in the past, and repeated the same mistake with Delilah that he did with his first wife (Timnah?), only this time it cost him his real eyes.

At the end of his life, Samson had made too many mistakes. He was past the point of family and past the point of freedom. Time, and how he wasted it with his pride had taken them away. He had his blindness, his re-growing hair, and his chains. He was in a place to do only one thing, and it fell so far short of what his life could have been. The only thing that he could do, the best that he could do, was bring that temple down, and die with it. So he finally died to himself and asked God to help him do it. It was only when Samson's spiritual blindness was brought to his attention in a grisly way and his status stripped from him as a prisoner that he was willing to do the one thing he should have done far earlier: let his pride die. Die to himself. When Samson destroyed the pillar, he wasn't just taking a temple out and killing a bunch of people in it; he was, finally, dying to himself. It was too late for that to give him what he could have had, but it was enough for him to achieve the greatest thing that he could in that final moment of his life.

And in some ways, that is the most important thing. We cannot dwell on the time we have lost. I went through a few days at sand camp and then when I asked the right question, God gave me a revelation that I wish I had discovered before I went away to sand camp. But I can't worry about how my experience might have been better if I had only done x y and z. What I have to do is ask myself, "What is the best thing I can do right now?"

Christ referred to his body as a temple. There is a verse somewhere that says something about hating oneself. I think that I am beginning to understand what that means. It does not mean "hate who you are" or "hate your body" or "hate your likes and dislikes" or "hate your personality" or "hate your calling" or any of these. What it means is, "hate your pride and everything it stands for within you". I feel like there is a connection to our bodies, which are referred to as temples, and this idea of being willing to "hate" or "die to oneself". I believe that this idea that the body is a temple is not just a physical reference, but a spiritual one as well. Christ was the only one of the face of the earth who fully hated and died to himself, and yet there was nothing about him that he should hate. He was willing to die like a criminal and accept charges against him even though they were not true. This is a divine paradox. God is all about truth and not accepting things that are incorrect. I mean, this is the same God who has told me very clearly "Praise me" and deserves it 100%. Yet, this one time, Christ was willing to take this one injustice,this one insult and apply it to himself, the one who deserved it least in the universe. He took all wisdom and nailed it to a cross, declaring that Love is greater than Wisdom.

And he did it for me.

"And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross." Colossians 2:15

"Jesus replied, "The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life."
John 12:23-25

A Song

2008-05-15T18:29:00.003-04:00

No one will probably be able to see it on their computers, but I wrote a song in Chinese and want to share it with y'all...even if it only shows up as little hollow boxes...

爱在这里

我躺下的时候

爱在这里，爱在这里

我起来的时候

爱在这里爱在这里

每天我看见爱

从天堂像雨一样飘下来

如果我听我看

爱就会出现

从东到西

爱在这里, 爱在这里

从北到南

爱在这里,爱在这里

虽然痛苦偷袭

但是我不会恐惧

我走在爱的路上

永不迷惘

Translation:

When I lie down
Love is here, love is here
When I arise
Love is here, love is here

Every day I see love
Drift down from heaven like rain
If I listen, I will see
Love will appear

From the East to the West
Love is here, love is here
From the North to the South
Love is here, love is here

Although pain waits in ambush
I will not be afraid
I will walk the path of love
Forever, without confusion

Some things in the written Chinese are implied idiomatically or poetically and not openly stated. I needed to the teacher's help a lot on this... apparently the way I wrote it (which was much more..."to the point" in terms of prose) was not very poetic/ Chinese sounding.

I find it funny that the Chinese also try to rhyme their poetry...from learning Chinese I have realized that, actually, there is far, far, far less of a difference between humans than we are inclined to think. Really we are the same in so many ways...it just so happens that different cultures went in different directions. As far as I am concerned, China could have wound up being the "Christian/Capitalist" bunch (I of course am using the term "Christian" VERY loosely...) and we could have been the "Atheist/Communist" bunch. It just so happens...it turned out this way.

Fun fact: When Marco Polo went to China, the then-leaders wanted him to bring back Christians to teach Christianity throughout the country...but there was a squabble in the papacy that controlled the church at that time, and only two dudes went, and one went back home along the way due to illness...I don't remember what happened to the other guy. Imagine if the church had had its act together...the world would be so different.

Shocker!

2008-05-07T12:55:00.002-04:00

This is just kind of a general announcement that I will be soon changing my major from Geology to Basket Weaving, er, I mean, East Asian Studies. I have found that while I think rocks are neat and I like Geology conceptually, I just can't stand it (or science in general) in practice. I believe Einstein sums it up best when he says that science as an interest and a hobby is a wonderful thing, but actually pursuing it and being involved in the process ruins it for you in some ways. This is true with me. I will get a Minor in Geology and be on my merry way into a major with no known outcome...but that's OK, because I know that God will take care of me as he has continually this year and I am not going to sweat it. I am going to do what I like, and I know that what I put my hand to, God will bless. I was strongly considering changing my major last semester, but got cold feet and moreover decided to at least finish the year with geology and see how I felt about it.

The irony is this: I am more likely to graduate on time now that I have decided to change my major than if I had stuck with Geology. Funny? You bet!

Also, I will be going to China next winter and currently have about 1/2 the cost covered in a $300 down payment I made and the $2,200 scholarship that I got to go to China. Between all the different costs including tuition for the classes I will be taking, it will be about $5,000 (just for the study abroad trip in winter session), so I am already halfway there. Things have become complicated, however, as the gravy train has more or less ground to a halt and I will not be receiving help for tuition or rent from my family this year. Therefore, this paragraph is a shameless advertisement for my cause, and if anyone wants to sow into my education, I would be very grateful.

So. Anyway. East Asian Studies. Whoohoo!

Keith Freaking Richards

2008-05-05T00:03:00.002-04:00

At the Lakeland FL revival that I was at recently, Todd had a word of knowledge about Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones. If I am not mistaken, they have since talked on the phone together, but this is the only thing I could scrounge up at the moment:

“Last night Todd made a strong statement about Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones. Yes, you heard me right. I was so shocked by the detail that I wrote down exactly what Todd said and the time he said it. At 8:55 Eastern Standard Time on 5/1/2008, Todd gave a word of knowledge that Keith was watching the revival from a borough of London and that he was wearing a maroon colored shirt. He said that he was caught up in the worship and something about God reaching out to him. It was definitely a step out on the water, if you know what I mean. This should be something that can eventually be independently verified as being true or false.”\

I received a comment from Hannah today stating this:

“Todd actually followed up on the Keith Richards thing last night (May 2). A Hollywood director called Todd and told him that Keith WAS watching the night that Todd gave the word of knowldge…because Keith called her and told her (the Hollywood director) that he had just heard Todd Bentley talking about him.”

I mean, seriously. Keith Freaking Richards. Do you know how awesome it would be if he got saved? A friend of mine from VCF, Melissa, thinks that Ozzy Ozbourne and Eminem are going to get saved. Honestly, I have a feeling they will.

God is like...a good beef stew

2008-05-04T23:56:00.000-04:00

I love God. He made everything, and since everything exists to glorify him, it seems that there is little that he cannot give you a better understanding of him through. Case in point: I was eating at a wonderful place called "A Piece of Ireland" with some friends of mine and, clearly led by the Lord, I ordered the Guinness Beef Stew. It was the most delicious stew I have ever eaten. After that great meal, I went down to The Gathering, a youth conference being held by a local church called "Vineyard Christian Fellowship" (some of you may vaguely remember this as the place where I participated in an outreach event called Liquid Love).

So, I was laying down and just soaking in the Lord's presence. The worship team started playing Jeremy Riddle's "Sweetly Broken" which almost always stirs my heart up, and then this revelation hit me like a sack of golden potatoes:

"God is like a good beef stew."

I proceeded to seize my notebook and furiously expand on this lovely nugget of understanding and felt lead to share it (because revelation is also like a good beef stew, in that it should be shared!). For those of you who either do not know what beef stew is, or find it so disgusting that you can't get anything out of this note, my apologies and prayers go with you (apologies that this note isn't for you, and prayers that you will see the light and eat/enjoy beef stew). But hopefully everyone else will get it.

So. God is like a good beef stew. The beef is kind of like the power and authority of God that we have as adopted sons and daughters; it has more flavor than the other things in the stew like the potatoes and carrots by themselves, and is on the whole a much more attractive morsel on its own. The beef is also like the power in that the only way that we could have it is by something being sacrificed; Christ's blood had to be shed in order for the authority over the enemy and creation to be given over us so that we may deliver the oppressed, heal the sick, and do many other spiritually miraculous things besides. It is also like the beef in that beef, in older times, was a rarity that required labor to have in your food. If you wanted beef, you had better be willing to work a few extra hours that week to get something other than pork or chicken in there. The same is with the power. You don't get it without practice and working at your gift. And, finally, the beef helps you build muscle, it makes you strong (yes this is circular..."ingesting power makes you powerful!"... but this should be a no-brainer). You'll never build muscle on celery. And really, you just can't have beef stew without beef. I mean, man alive, it's in the name of the dish!

The character of God is like the potatoes and carrots. It's like the potatoes because, like potatoes, God is simply...good. He just is. Potatoes are the same way. They're just good. For lots of reasons, mostly having to do with taste and how they compliment other things. At the same time, his character is also like the carrots, because they help us to see better (I credit this particular bit to my friend Nate Krause, who mentioned this when I told this to him today). If that last sentence didn't strike you, read it again because it's deep. And next, we return to the circular thing, because the carrots and any other veggies in there are actually good for you and nourishing to your body, providing nutrients it needs that the beef can't provide. And, really, you just can't have beef stew without carrots and 'taters, because honestly who has ever heard of such a thing? You couldn't call it stew without carrots and 'taters. They go together with the beef like...well, like beef carrots and potatoes in a stew (besides, using "like peanut butter and jelly" as a simile is just lame). The other reason being if all you ever have is straight beef in your stew, you'll get fat and unhealthy. You need some (relatively) healthy stuff in there taking up space.

But here's the thing that makes all of this special: His love is like the gravy that saturates everything, and what makes stew special and different from everything else. Without the gravy, there is no stew and there is no seasoning. The gravy is the most key and special part of the stew. A stew lives or dies on its gravy. Without the gravy, the potatoes are just potatoes, the carrots are just carrots, and the beef is just plain hunks of meat. And sure, those things nourish, but here's the rub: God doesn't want us to just live and sustain ourselves to the end of our race here. Does he want us to endure? Yes. Without a doubt. But he also wants us to live to the fullest and most awesome experience we are willing to have the faith for. When you order a stew, you don't get it to gulp it down quick and wash it down with soda before the taste of it can sink into your tongue like some of the dining hall food around here. You get it because it's delicious in all it's gravy saturated goodness. And speaking of saturation, there's another reason why his love is like the gravy; in order for the other stuff to really be a part of the stew, they have to soak in that gravy, until it's permeated everything in that stew, so that the savory flavor is in everything and not a single bite is without that delicious flavor.

So...

If you're being served a God who's like a stew without beef, send it back and get some beef in there.

If you're being served a God who's like a stew with no 'taters and veggies, send it back and get some 'taters and veggies in there.

If you're being served a God who's like a stew with no gravy...smack your server upside the head and send it back. I mean...seriously. They should know better. And I might even say to never go back to that restaurant again... because if they don't know that gravy is supposed to be in stew, then that's one messed up place. Maybe you can learn how to make stew yourself and come back one day to teach them (if they're willing to learn)...but until then, avoid that establishment like the plague!

So thanks for readin'...man am I hungry now. All of this talk of 'taters and stews...

Author's Note: The comment about backhanding your server is meant to be figurative. It is not nice to slap your waitresses, not to mention illegal and Not Very Nice and/or Biblical.

The Florida Outpouring

2008-05-02T16:55:00.003-04:00

I recently returned from an incredible experience of the revival that's going on in Lakeland, FL. There have been many healings and when I went down there with my holy family, it really was an incredible experience, and the Lord really helped to break off a lot of things within me. You the revival has grown from a single church called Ignite Church to a larger church (they couldn't contain the people there) to the city's convention center, and soon it is possible that this will expand into a stadium. This revival has reached globally through the service of God TV and is really an awesome thing. The services are every day from 7-11 PM, and you can watch on us.god.tv or you can go to Todd Bentley's website www.freshfire.ca and follow the links to watch the revival breaking out there. This isn't televangelist nonsense, this isn't "charismania" shenanigans, this is the real presence of God, working mightily on this earth through his servant Todd and many others who have done the work of the Lord and are open to be used by Him.

What's the problem?

2008-04-09T23:20:00.002-04:00

The problem is that the church has an appearance of godliness but is lacking in the power. The things of God that were all throughout the ancient church, healing, the prophetic, spiritual deliverance, all of those things; where are they now? What happened to Christ's prayer for the saints that they would work GREATER MIRACLES than Christ himself? There is indeed much hypocrisy, and it goes above and beyond merely natural things like being nice to the poor or lacking moral fiber. Where is the spiritual power?! Canned up by fearful spiritual bean counters who are more interested in theology and arguments than they are about the TRUE character of Christ.

It is easier to not try to perform acts of spiritual power than it is to try and fail because you didn't have the faith for it, and learn a lesson. It is easier to accept your lot and that of other's as "God's will" then to put your faith TO THE TEST and SPEAK into the lives of other people and ours in faith and Christ's name.

All of these things flow and operate out of love. Prophecy apart from love isn't any different from the $25 an hour psychics on Main Street, because while it may reveal things it does not do so for the purpose of love, but for money, which does not reach the heart of the person and edify them (which is the point of prophecy in the New Covenant).

Healing apart from love is a parlor trick, and apart from love there simply is no deliverance from demons because, as Christ said, "How is it that demons are cast out by the prince of demons?" Apart from love all of the things I mentioned are controlled by the demonic and by our sinful nature.

To give someone a prophetic word of encouragement, that IS an act of love, see? It is an expression of love, which is at the center of all things. By attaining love, you attain Christ's character that the church is attempting to make people be (which is what you are addressing) and also Christ's power, which is what I am addressing. Both are necessary.

Just to be clear on what I mean by "prophetic": If you look at the definition of the greek word used by Paul, it can be succinctly summed up as "what God is thinking at a given moment and wants you to say for him," which is anything spoken that edifies others, that is an encouragement (because God loves you 100%). One time, a girl I know came up to me in a coffee shop and just said, "David, I know you really are destined for great things, I can tell God has a big calling on your life, I don't know why I just feel that you do." I know for a fact this person knows little to nothing about the prophetic, but that person gave me a prophetic word.

Nowadays, prophecy is often associated with judgment. That was in the Old Covenant. In the New Covenant, prophecy is positive, and is a gift given to people for the purpose of infusing God's joy, love and mercy directly into people's lives. But the reason why it has been abandoned is because people no longer believe in the power of their words and what they put their faith in.

You have got to understand this: Our words have power. Have you ever heard of something called a self-fulfilling prophecy? They are real. The words you speak into other people's lives have an impact on them. I'm not just talking about when you are speaking to the person. I am talking your prayers, what you say about them when they aren't around, what you think changes the world. If it were not so, then why is it that at the end every man will be held accountable for the words he has spoken? Why is it that sin can be committed long before it manifests in the body and can be spoken to someone? Because it has an affect. But because people do not believe in their own power (because of a bunch of Calvinist garbage that says that everything is sovereign), they do not believe in the power of prophecy, which isn't from people anyway, but is a combined effort of God and man.

But true prayer, true prophecy, and and anything spoken, is something that YOU do...and you do it with God. You put in your two cents, and God puts in his 2 trillion gold bars. But you still put in two cents, and that two cents matters a great deal.

How many times has Christ talked about mustard seed sized faith, and the woman dropping the small coins in the temple offering? Or about the talents that are increased when they are invested in? Our contributions of faith matter a great deal in the kingdom of heaven. If we are not willing to even contribute a little to using the spiritual gifts, then the church is nothing but a foolish virgin standing outside with no oil. We need to be wise virgins and have the abundant oil of the holy spirit and God's anointing.

Stripes

2008-03-02T15:26:00.001-05:00

I praised the Lord, that I, my brother Brian and my sister Liz have been proven worthy of persecution. Last night at Saturday Night Alive, my best friend Graham whom I loved betrayed us into the enemy's hands and had the church cast out Brian and Liz, and disallowed them from returning to SNA or Calvary baptist church. While I was not told to leave directly, I was removed by proxy because they knew that I loved Brian and Liz as I love myself, and they know that I would follow them out. I praise the Lord because the division between light and dark has begun, and people are being forced to choose a side; and I give glory to my Father in heaven because indeed those who were once lost in a grey fog are now coming towards His glorious Light and the plan He has in store for them and for this campus.

Revival is coming. What the enemy intended for evil, God has made turn to His good purpose. When the enemy struck out, he was deceived into thinking that he would have the victory; now the Lord will catch him in the trap He has set, because the actions of the enemy are rousing those who must be roused.

Revival is coming.

A Whole New War

2008-02-14T00:03:00.001-05:00

I want to, in the beginning, ask for patience on the reader’s part. First and foremost, this is because a human is attempting to convey the knowledge of the Living God, and this is hard to do without allowing one’s flesh to interfere. The second reason I ask for patience is because I want the reader to understand that there are two extremes that will be evident to you as you read this (I hope). The beginning part and the majority of this argues against the extreme of denying the spiritual gifts, but that DOES NOT mean that the other extreme of pursuing solely the gifts will not be addressed, or that I remain unaware of it. I am only human, and cannot say things simultaneously, so something had to come first :) . So, without further ado…

A Whole New War

We are in the midst of a whole new war. Can you not see the glint of spears and armor? Can you not see tattered banners fluttering in the baleful whirlwind of conflict? Do you know that there are legions that clash among us? We are in a whole new war. Paul says in Ephesians that we war “not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Ephesians 6:12). This is a radical war- it is unlike any war ever fought in the universe. It is a war of spirit, a war of truth, a war of love and revelation. It is not a war that can be fought with the weapons of this Earth, but in the end it will conquer it.

In the coming times, we must rouse ourselves from being asleep at our posts and take up the arms with which we are meant to take up entrusted. No more will we cower in fear of our sinful nature, or the past that follows behind us like a shadow, for Christ’s light has banished it from our presence. No more will we cower from lies and threats, both subtle and overt; we will be humble in our acceptance of grace but be bold and ferocious in our authority, for we have become more than just slaves, but have become Sons and Daughters, co-heirs to Christ, and that is born witness by His presence in every one of us. Christ is the supreme authority, and therefore the authority resides within us. When the enemy challenges you and demands on what basis you stand up and give a bold word and strike a blow against his works, tell him you do so by the authority of Christ within you. We are not called to be humble to Satan, but to one another. Humility has its place, as boldness has its place. So in this battle against the evil one, let us be without humility because we owe him no measure of our Lord’s grace, and there is no debt of love to illness, or to demonic oppressors, or to bittersweet lies, but only an outstanding debt of love to one another.

No more should we fear to become like those who take up their arms and instead of fighting alongside the Lord use them for tyranny of people’s souls and betrayal. No soldier throws down his weapon because his fellow has betrayed and fears he will be a betrayer himself! Each man knows in his heart what his intentions are. They are either for the Lord or they are not. Therefore, we must not fear to take up our arms because of someone else’s false intentions. Those who drop their weapons in fear in the midst of a battle are cut down mercilessly, and our enemies are peerless in their blood lust; they give no quarter to the unarmed, and savor cutting the scions of man down without a fight. The scripture says that the enemy is a roaring lion seeking men to devour.

Each one of us has been brought up in this lifetime to wield these weapons in the battle that rages around us; to bring ruination to the works of the enemy with powerful prayers, to mount a stubborn defense with insurmountable faith, to coordinate the fight with key decisions given by wisdom, to instruct and inform through knowledge, to restore the wounded with healing, to glorify our commander through miraculous works, to recruit new warriors into this battle and to send them off with understanding and prophetic words of direction, to see clearly through the distracting haze of the physical and clearly see the spirits of the heavenly realms.

These weapons are not a part of us, any more than a sword or a bow or a staff is a part of our bodies; they have been forged in the Father’s hands out of his Spirit and are given to us according to His will. Each weapon is an aspect of Him who is in us, and through us these weapons are wielded with terrible power. We are given our orders to go to the battlefront, each and every one of us, to wield these weapons we have been handed. With them we train and become strong, and in time they become familiar to our hands. To some one weapon is given which they hone to graceful, deadly perfection and a singular lifelong purpose; to others an arsenal is given, for they are called to many places in the battle line, each weapon more suited than another for the fight at hand. But to each one, the armory remains open, and should anyone be poorly matched against the enemy or an opportunity be opened to a specific one, there is not a weapon that cannot be taken and used in God’s name. Never will you be unable to pray powerfully for a man’s healing. Never will you, in the absence of wisdom lack for a chance for powerful insight. Never will miracles of provision be beyond your reach. Never will prophetic words of knowledge be too secret for you to hear. All that is required is the faith to use them, and that you use them in accordance with the Lord’s leading and timing. Not every person is skilled with every weapon, but every person is lead to see it and its use in the basic sense; for a soldier who does not understand every weapon available at his or her disposal can be defeated when in a situation that calls for something unexpected; improvisation is key on a battlefield which is always in a state of flux. Has there ever been a soldier on the battlefront who declared a day in the fighting was “business as usual”? What soldier trained in the use of bows will refrain from taking up an unfamiliar staff when the enemy is too close? Who will not pick up the staff simply because he is unfamiliar with it allow himself to be cut down? Which should we be more concerned of, our ineptness with a weapon or our destruction if we do not take it up and fight? The answer seems clear enough. If we allow the enemy to take us and other people out spiritually, then that is tome not spent doing good for His kingdom. In some cases, it could be permanent.

In our training and closeness with our weapon, we should not grow in arrogance and be assured of our superiority. For even though each weapon is mighty in its own right, how can one be compared in greatness to another? What soldier on Earth hates to hear the sound of friendly cavalry arriving for the decisive charge? Though the knight serves a different purpose, how can he have contempt for the men on foot, who are needed to stay the course when the fighting is thick and close? We must not deride others for their gifts and their place on the battlefield. Each is given what he has according to God’s design, and shouldn’t chasten one for carrying a weapon they do not understand. This is why understanding of each gift is so critical, so that each soldier will have respect for the other and recognize the other’s legitimate place on the battlefield. We are assigned to our place on the battlefront with a purpose, and each man’s purpose is according to God’s will. This is very clearly laid out in 1 Corinthians 12.

There is another key thing that we must have in this battle, and that is the Armor of God. A soldier will not last long on the battlefield without armor to protect himself from the rigors of combat. Paul clearly spells out what these components are in Ephesians 6:13-17:

“Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”

Now that last one is interesting. I have been talking about arming yourself with weapons- and here Paul talks about how the Word of God is a weapon literally (which kind of places what he specifically says is a weapon above mine, if we are going to be technical about it). So at the least, we know that the word is a weapon. That is without a doubt true- but it is not the sole weapon we are meant to handle. Paul says that “we should eagerly desire the spiritual gifts” in 1 Corinthians 14.

So which, then is our weapon? The answer is both. The weapon of scripture, our sword, is always available to everyone. The advantage of scripture as a weapon lies in its concrete nature, and that it does not require much faith to wield- reading a book does not require strong faith. But we are called to live lives of faithfulness, and we must take up the responsibility of searching for and training in the use of our gifts. He goes on to say that these gifts should be used in an orderly way, and that is right; each weapon has its own specific application and purpose, and should be used at appropriate points. Archers do not open fire en masse when the battle is joined so that they don’t slay their friends in the melee. Each Christian should know the appropriate and timely application of his or her gift, or begin to learn to discern when that is. The Word is always necessary, but not always useful; it many ways the Word is like a short sword that every man carries at his side as a backup. Everyone from knights to archers all usually carry a short sword at their side, a weapon that is readily available to every soldier. In some cases, this weapon is not appropriate, or is one we are not trained well in, or to a degree are meant to. For which is the archer trained, in the use of his bow or in the use of his sword? Which ability is more important for his use on the battlefield? Why would he be commissioned a bow if it were unimportant? But there are some soldiers whose sole purpose is to use the sword, and that is their primary weapon entirely. Some people wield scripture better than others, that is the nature of things. But it does not take away from its usefulness or accessibility. Like all gifts, the Word should be used when one is most appropriately lead. We have all heard of the infamous “Bible bashing”. I in my love for scripture am sometimes guilty of it myself. The scripture is not always the direct solution.

Of course, all of these things are good and well. The powers and gifts we not only should use, but must use in order to be as effective as possible. We must understand that some are given many gifts, and others few, and some this kind and others that, but all are for a good purpose. We know that equally important is development of character that creates a thick and sturdy defense against the temptations and attacks of the enemy. But all of these things are meaningless in the end if there are not driven by love. Paul famously writes in 1 Corinthians 13 that:

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.”

No matter what you are doing- performing spiritual gifts in Christ’s name, performing acts of service, teaching through scripture, it doesn’t matter. God is Love. And if we have not Love (and therefore God) it is nothing. In all that you do, ensure that it points back to Christ in you. It does not have to be directly stated- but it must be made understood in some way, that love is what has driven whatever it is that you are doing. If it is not, then draw near to the Lord and it will be so.

Whatever your stance is on this, do not fall prey to fear. Some fear that if they pursue the gifts, it will be over a cliff and to their on destruction, that they will forget their first love. Others fear that they will be stripped of the Lord’s presence and what special things he has in store for them. Neither of those people must heed those fears, but heed the Lord and his scripture, and its example.

So, then, my brothers, my sisters in arms…go, seek your gifts, use your gifts, be sure that your armor is secure, and do both in Love!

I want to offer a special thanks for this note- it is inspired from the writings of Paul in 1 Corinthians 12/Ephesians 6 and also from Jason Upton’s song “Lion of Judah” from “Between Earth and Sky”.

Let the Lion of Judah roar from Zion and shake nations to their knees!

Amen Lord, shake up this world.

Humanism, Christianity, and the Poor

2008-02-02T15:15:00.000-05:00

A pre-note comment: I don't expect too many people here to agree with me. I expect to be misunderstood, and maybe even disliked for what I am about to say, because it isn't popular with all of the humanism prevalent in the church nowadays. I expect to be called selfish, burgeoise, someone trying to justify the flesh. But I'm going to let this one fly...because I feel it is the right thing to do. My God tells me to be bold...so that's what I'm going to be.

On with the note.

I walked away this Friday incredibly disappointed. It's amazing how I spent literally 90% of the time not even there at IV large group, on the couch in the lounge down the hall. I read Colossians, 1 Thessalonians, 2 Thessalonians, 1 Timothy, 2 Timothy, Philipians (though I read Philipians rather quickly), and was starting to read Hebrews/Titus before I went and took a peek at what was going on inside. The point of that last sentence not serving to glorify me in some way for doing what every Christian should (read scripture) but just to let people in on what I had just come from doing when I showed up at large group towards the end.

Just going in to see things for a few minutes brought me down. It was some movie/interview of the author of some book called the Irresistible Revolution...I forget his name...anyway, they were talking about the poor and such. It got me mad- but not in maybe the way most would expect. I didn't rage against injustice, or want to tear my leather jacket apart in disgust- I got mad because I feel like there is this continual effort to shame people who are white, or people who have more than others, or people who are more educated. I remain unrepentant for being white, getting a college education and not serving in a soup kitchen every weekend, and that makes me a bad guy. There's a lot of reasons why I'm unrepentant, however. The little snippet of the movie I watched gave me plenty of reasons not to submit myself to this guy's message.

The first thing that was talked about was statistics...I hate statistics. They are almost invariably twisted to be seen in an extreme way. One of the ones raised directly by the author himself was that 86% of Christians believe Jesus spent a lot of time with the poor and yet less than 1% of Christians actually do...where the did they get that statistic from? How many Christians in America who call themselves such actually act on their faith anyway? Did they bother to interview any non-American Christians (you know, like the ones in poor countries around the world)? What about poor Christians? Did they interview those? How did you define "Christian" when you interviewed/questionnaired people? What kind of Christians did they interview? Where was the area of people that you interviewed? All of the Christians with phones to call or something, who also happen to live in America, the richest country in the world, where the line between "rich" and "poor" is incredibly hazy? There's another statistic that got brought up in the fall (or maybe I got it from somewhere else)- If I recall it correctly, it says that if you own a car you're in the top 5% richest in the world. I know a lot of desperate people in this country who own cars.

How would I have been able to answer that question? I would consider myself to be poor. Others would consider me to be rich. Unfortunately, I'm just rich enough to have a roof over my head and to be in college and just poor enough that I start to sweat and pray at the end of the month when rent money is due (or when the University starts asking for tuition money while holding my registration hostage). Just rich enough to be accused of inaction and insensitivity and just poor enough to feel ticked about it. How do you ask a person like me "if I have ever been around poor people" when I consider myself to be one?

The thing that made my gut turn was when this author guy goes and dumps loose change on Wall Street for the beggars to pick up, saying "this money belongs to them." If I were going to give a man money, I wouldn't make him crawl on the ground and scrounge for it, that's the most sick thing I've ever seen. Last I checked, most soup kitchens serve people at a table with silverware, they don't make them slurp it off of the floor. I would serve him quietly and humbly as I have served homeless people in the past when I lacked boldness to talk to them (which, I will admit, is my failure). I would rather pray for that man than blast a megaphone at deaf ears and dump change on the ground and do empty righteous things hiding behind the name of Love. The man marched around and had people stand with signs that say "love" on them but where is the "IN CHRIST" at the end?

But since we are Christians and should base our tantrums and "opinions" in scripture, I might as well go through the scripture and gospels systematically. The first thing I ran into was the Beatitudes. In their continuation in Matthew chapter 6, Christ says:

"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward before your father in heaven. So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets [that megaphone sure looked like a trumpet], as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."

When justifying himself to John who was in chains, among other things Christ said "and the good news is preached to the poor." He did NOT say "and the poor have become comfortable and well-adjusted." The good news is preached to the poor to give them hope in their poverty. He was speaking straight to the poor when he said, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” (Matthew 6:25-34)

When Christ fed the five thousand men and the four thousand men and their families, he fed them because he was responsible and had brought them into a wild place where they could not get food (most notably in the second instance). Also note that Christ used a miracle to feed these people- he used it as an opportunity to display God's almighty power.

In the movie, they talk about the really uneven distribution of wealth in the world...what the in the Lord's name does that have to do with Christ. Christ never went to a beggar and said "here's a dime" or "rejoice, for the rich will surely give you some of their wealth". He went to beggars and said "Your sins are forgiven" and "Your faith has made you well" and "You are healed" and "Get up and walk". I hate how people harp on the rich and say all of this stuff about rich people, camels, and the eyes of needles. Here's a little statistic for you: If 2% of the world is rich and 98% of the world is poor like the statistics say, why are we browbeating the rich so much when the other 98% aren't getting the message they need, hmm? Someone must minister to the rich and urge them towards Christ so that they are then driven to compassion for the less fortunate by the Holy Spirit. The problem is in the way that the rich are addressed. When you evangelize, you meet people where they are. It would make more sense to me if the now incredibly rich author of “The Purpose Driven Life” were to come to me talking about altruism and acted on it, not somebody pretending to be poor.

What Jesus said is true. It IS easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. What people forget is that this also applies to EVERYONE. If that were not true, then Jesus would have been handing out money to the poor, not salvation and grace. We are all equally guilty. Christ had it right; he centered his ministry on the things that mattered: People's physical health (to display the power of God) and mental health (also to display the power of God by driving out demons), and the condition of their hearts, their state before the Judge, which are eternally important things. Not their comforts.

Christ was not addressing the rich man's richness for the poor man's sake when he told the rich man to get rid of his possessions. He was addressing the rich man's richness for the rich man's sake, for the rich man to be saved! Hopefully somebody is following me on this. In the books of the New Testament, in 1 Timothy Paul charges Timothy to be careful about what widows he supports in their poverty and what ones he does not. In the same letter, Paul tells Timothy that the women should not dress richly (2:9-10) and later says that men in the church should not be "lovers of money" (3:3). Paul says in 2 Timothy that there will be people in the end times who, "have a form of godliness but denying its power" (3:5). THAT is Humanism, my dear brothers and sisters. Be wary of doing righteous acts but denying the power of God and the Holy Spirit by not following them FIRST. Otherwise, we become hollow and everything we do is meaningless in the end. Don't be driven by the desire to do good; be driven by your love for God and out of a compulsion to conform yourselves to our Lord Jesus Christ. Repent of Humanistic attitudes and remember who has the power in your life, and who drives you towards salvation.

Here’s another Biblical curveball: In Matthew 26:6-13 a woman pours a bottle of pure nard, worth an immense amount of money (over a year’s worth of wages) on Christ’s head. Some chasten her, saying it is a waste, that the money from selling that bottle could have gone to the poor. Then Christ says something surprising: “The poor you will always have with you, but you will not always have me.” Wow. What a selfish jerk that Jesus guy was for letting a $21,000 bottle of oil (the average layman’s yearly wage in the US, according to yesterday’s movie) be dumped on his head instead of giving the money to the poor.

What I am saying in all of this is:

Care for the poor. Do not flaunt your wealth if you have it. Give cheerfully, and generously. Do not give preferential treatment to the rich (James 2:1-13). Do not be hard on the poor under you and oppress them (James 5:4-6). And, finally, if you have not done these things DO NOT CONDEMN YOURSELF FOR SOMETHING YOU HAVE NOT DONE, AND DO NOT ACCEPT CONDEMNATION FROM ANY MAN FOR IT. Conviction serves to lift you up and set you firm in Christ. Condemnation serves to cripple you with shame and force you to become a giver, a slave to the law, regardless of the condition of your heart.

When Christ admonishes the rich church of Laodicea in Revelations, he does not chasten them for their richness, but their ATTITUDE in their richness: "You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' " Christ later tells them "I counsel you to buy gold refined in the fire, so that you can become rich; white clothes to wear so that you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes so you can see."

Therefore, we are not meant to be ashamed of wealth, but ashamed of a bad attitude developed in wealth. We must be tested- "But He knows the way I take; when he has tested me I will come forth as gold" (Job 23:10). We must put on righteousness- "Rather, clothe yourselves in Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature" (Rom 13:14). We must have our eyes opened to scripture and to what God is doing, through prayer and the Holy Spirit. This is what the rich must do. Coincidentally, these things are things which all believers, rich and poor, must do in Christ.

Here is another verse about what we have: “Then I realized that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him—for this is his lot. Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God. He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart.” (Ecclesiastes 5:18-20)

Let me bring up another verse that will blow your mind after listening to that guy last night. Paul writes in 1 Timothy:

"But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs."

Did Paul and the writer of Ecclesiastes (Solomon?) just tell me that my (relatively) comfortable life is OK as long as I don't abandon my pursuit of Christ for gratuitous and unnecessary riches?! OH, SNAP!

Some people will say that some of the things I have said here are excuses for greed. They are not. They are the truth. The scripture and the meaning of it is all right there. In the same way people tell partial truths or mix lies with it to create shame and force people to act, people often use the truth to justify their greed, and there is nothing that you or I can do about that- but that does not mean that we obscure the truth. It does not mean that we deny the truth.

But what do I know...I'm just another upper lower class/lower middle class college attending white kid clinging desperately to his iPod and trying to justify his 3 pairs of sneakers, right?

Now it's your turn. Open fire. Or don't...if you dare to agree with me.

Ben Stein Pwns Big Science in Documentary

2008-01-31T17:00:00.001-05:00

One time as I was randomly using gmail- yay gmail!- A link to "Expelled- No Intelligence Allowed" popped up in one of the text based adds on the right that is context sensitive to what words you are typing. It's the coolest advertising thing I have seen thus far (coordinating adds with key words being typed), but that's all besides the point. On with the trailer!

Super Trailer

So...I'm really excited, as a Christian, a follower of Christ and a possible future scientist to see this movie. I hope that it won't be an overly limited release.

I also think it is funny that there is a "Ben Stein for president 2008" thing on the bottom, but to me that has nothing to do with the movie.

Sweat The Small Stuff

2008-01-20T21:41:00.000-05:00

So here I am again, bent out of shape over the most stupid things. It really is quite ridiculous, how I give the enemy a foothold in the most infinitesimal, dumb things. Forgetting tax letters at home. The Patriots winning. Botched chords. Not hitting a note. Having to spontaneously do weird strum patterns on stage that were not at all done during practice. Spilled drinks. Stupid people. The way people drive. My binder of worship music magically disappearing into thin air. The devil seems to get a rise out of me every time. The Pointless Rage Parade is back in town, and I'm the first chump in line waving a baton (or maybe smashing it on the ground in frustration because I can't twirl it the way I would like :D).

I can't imagine what it must be like to be God having to deal with me all of the time. I might have the appearance of a mature or thoughtful person on the outside, and to a degree it is true. The problem is a lot of times the thoughts that breed in my head like so many wicked rabbits are ones of irritation and anger, not thoughts that are beneficial. I am so easily duped into getting angry at the most stupid of things. It really is quite pathetic, and I am having a lower and lower tolerance for this mental behavior in myself. I am sick and tired about being angry over dumb stuff, and angry over things that are not in my control. The Bible says do not worry- I don't worry. I just get mad. The only thing that I hate just as much or more than somebody being worried all of the time (get a grip!) is somebody being angry all the time (get a sense of perspective!). Both are a common experience with my family, and it really rubs off on me sometimes. Some would call what I'm doing self-deprecation. Well, there's some things about me that should be "deprecated." Starting with my ridiculously irritable mind. This anger is satanic, and when I deprecate it I'm deprecating satan and his foothold in my heart in the name of Jesus Christ. I indulge his urgings and respond to his prodding far too often.

I need to find a way to crush this under my heel once and for all, because as a follower of Christ this petty anger is beneath me. Some things I have had a permanent victory over in the name of Christ Jesus. Unrighteous anger is the next thing to go, I am really sick of it wasting my time and energy both acting it out and being impotently angry at it.

The problem is that some things that I am angry about are legitimate. Sometimes, anger is a legitimate feeling. God gets angry all of the time. The problem is that I don't know what to do with that anger. I get angry at injustice, and 10 times out of 10 the injustice is completely out of my hands. I get angry at lies, at disrespect, at many truly wrong things, but they are out of my hands. What am I supposed to do with this righteous anger? Ultimately, all it turns into is frustration because unlike God I do not have the capacity for infinite patience or grace, nor do I have the power to call down the thunder on people (metaphorically speaking, though sometimes I wish for that power, too). This frustration quickly degrades into impotent rage. Again, this is all "upstairs"- it is not a public anger that is ever acted upon.

However, there is power in the mind, and the mind matters greatly to the Lord. If that were not so, then lust in the heart would not be the same as adultery, and we could engage in all of the disgusting fantasies we wished without consequence to our souls. If bloody thoughts and hateful catechisms were not tantamount to murder, then no desire born out of seething rage would be too extreme. But these things are equal in God's sight, and are no different than the physical acts, except perhaps in the consequences.

What good is controlling my physical self in this world when I still defeat myself and allow the enemy to control me within? Change must occur from the inside out. James writes that the tongue, like the rudder of a ship steers the body; but the mind steers the tongue. The eyes are the window to the soul, and behind these panes a fire rages unchecked spreading from room to room, its tongues of flame licking greedily at everything God has built up in me. Unchecked, it will leave me a burnt out husk, a hollow man. Satan loves hollow people; there's plenty of room for him to move in when God's presence isn't there. The world is full of hollow people who have allowed themselves to be burned out from the inside, and have let all kinds of things haunt the ruins of their souls. I know a few of them.

It must be stopped, and God is the only one who can stop it. He is the only one with the living waters to quench the fire.

"What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death!? Thanks be to God- through Christ Jesus our Lord!" Romans 7:24-25

A Glance at the True Self

2007-12-31T14:20:00.001-05:00

Here's a strange question: Have you ever looked in the mirror and been able to see yourself objectively, as other people see you? I mean, there's the mug you're used to looking at every morning and when you're dressing up for an event, but have you ever had a split second moment where the you standing in front of the mirror isn't you and you're able to see the reflection in the mirror as a separate person? It's happened to me a couple of times. I have also spent some time staring at myself in the mirror (not recently, but when I was younger). If I let my pathetic excuse for facial hair grow out and then shave it a while later, I don't entirely recognize myself in the mirror (which is a really creepy feeling actually). I imagine that if I shaved my head and looked in the mirror I might not recognize myself there, either (and probably not for weeks).

Sometimes, you can get a glimpse of that in the spiritual sense, too. A friend of mine recently posted a quote from a book he finished called "Freedom of Simplicity" by Richard Foster on his blog. When I read it, it was like seeing myself objectively in the mirror again. Commentary in brackets is mine.

"This stage is one of great honesty and sincerity, but it is not yet true simplicity. 'Sincerity is a virtue below simplicity,' said Fenelon. The reason is easy to see. The sincere have a deep concern for honesty and truth. Rectitude, fidelity, conscientiousness, impeccability - these all mark the sincere. And although all of these are great virtues, they have a certain self-consciousness about them: a concern to do right, TO BE RIGHT [emphasis mine], to look right. Of the sincere, Fenelon says, 'They are always studying themselves, going over all their words and all their thoughts, and going back over all they have done, afraid of having said or done too much.' [so very true of me...especially now that I've written what is it, 4 massive notes now?]

The sincere are not yet simple. They have a kind of artificial rigor that makes us feel uncomfortable, though we cannot fault the virtue. They put us on edge and make us feel ill at ease. [This is something that I am totally blind to and need people to tell me about] This often concerns us because they seem so spiritual, so determined to know God. [I am :) ] We wonder if our discomfort stems from a resistance to God and his way. In reality, however, it is due to the fact that these deeply committed folk are trying too hard. [I'll get to that in a minute] They lack the ease, freedom, and naturalness that mark true interior simplicity. We would prefer less perfect people who are more at ease with themselves."

It seems to me that Foster has summed up my condition, and how I probably affect people better than I ever could.

I have one quibble with this guy's assessment (and it isn't directly of me, so I don't take it personally or anything like that). He says that I am trying too hard. I wish that I had this book so that I could look at this passage in context. Nevertheless, I am going to make lemonade out of lemons and try to address this. Here is my question: What does he mean by "trying too hard"? I could say that Paul, who went through quite a bit in his walk, "tried too hard". If that is what the author means, than there is something seriously wrong with that statement. Due to the context of the "trying too hard" thing in the passage, I am inclined to believe that he is saying that we can "try too hard" to want to know God. My tendency is to reject that notion. My whole life is devoted to "knowing" God. But even now semantics rears its ugly head. Does he mean "know" as in knowledge, or "know" the way the Bible says that "Adam knew Eve"? The former is impossible. We can never "know", in the scientific sense or understanding sense, God. However, in the sense of intimacy and love, we can know God, the way I know some of you who are my close friends. I can know what he wants and expects from me, what he thinks of me, what he desires. I know from scripture the desires of the Lord's heart, and they are all beautiful.

As I have said before, I will not apologize for loving or wanting to love, but my methods could always use improvement. And my attitude. The description above seems to have this overall sense of impatience. I think that this also is a great struggle of mine, and one that the Lord is trying to correct in me. Three times now a Psalm has been affirmed to me that God wants me to understand and follow. The first was in the previous note; the second was at a worship meeting at my friend Brian's house; the third time it came not through me but from my dear pastor Bo Matthews at Brandywine Valley Baptist Church this past Sunday. He told us a bit about his life story and confessed to having desires as a boy that are close to my heart now. In his teaching he covered Psalm 31 and linked that to how the Lord has guided his life with a very specific purpose and has also given him the desires of the heart he had as a young man. And he offered Psalm 31:24 as a comfort at the end. Well, that was it. I know what I am supposed to do now.

Looking at the Psalms, I realize that the Psalm the Lord lead me to and the one Bo quoted were actually two different ones, but with almost the same ending:

"Wait for the Lord; be strong, and take heart, and wait for the Lord"
Psalm 27:14 (What the Lord led me to)

"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord"
Psalm 31:24 (What Bo used in his teaching)

Peace in Christ,

-David

You Can Lead a Horse to Water...

2007-12-31T14:18:00.000-05:00

Having no current work has given me a lot of time to think, which often translates into these mile-long notes- and the next thing I have thought of after talking about all of this stuff regarding family is how I react to my Christian family that I have been placed in.

I find myself trying incredibly hard to get these Christian people to like me. For the first time, I have found people who I actually CARE what they think about me and try to constantly justify myself to them. I love my new family that God has placed me in, but I feel like there's a lot of catching up to do. I want people to know me. I want people to understand me. I want people to want to love me, not just because "God says so" but because I am actually a lovable person. Maybe I want to avoid grace as much as possible. That could be. But I also feel like being in this Christian family is like being a kid in a candy store for someone like me who wants to have deep and honest relationships. And so I spend a lot of energy try to explain myself and put myself out there through notes like this and so on. The problem is that I do things like this, I tell people that they are my friend and can come to me for anything, and nobody comes to me. Sometimes I am even told that I am so by another, and yet when something is wrong I am entrusted to nothing. This used to be a complaint, but now for me it's more a statement of fact than anything else, I've come to accept it.

So I've been going for a while now wondering why that is. I suspect there are reasons on the part of the recipient and also the sender (me).

The body of Christ is a family. Yet, there are a lot of people who do not treat it as such. I think one of the biggest problems here is that I think there are many people who do not see the body of Christ as a family. Perhaps they are afraid to become close to people because their first family was destroyed, or they were hurt by someone else they were in close fellowship to. Perhaps they are not saved and do not really know what it means to be bound to one another in the spirit, united by a love of God, each other and His purpose. Perhaps they already have friends and family and do not want for anything, and so they do not see addressing the church as a family as something that is necessary. They can afford to stand apart.

These people are no less of a problem than I am- because I have my own flaws. I am a person who loves zealously. That works GREAT for loving God- you can never love Him enough and he'll always accept your love- but people are a little different. I am a person who came into this fellowship here and got exactly what I wanted (hence the kid in a candy store example above). The thing is, some people need time to get close. Some people do not jump into the pool all at once (I do). I don't understand those people :D, but I have to accept the fact that that is how they react to this whole family thing. So, I think, when someone like me comes along writing mini-novels and tagging people with reckless abandon, I suspect that there are probably a few people who are turned off by that kind of behavior. Perhaps a couple of those people have been tagged in this note.

I can't change how people react. I can't change other people. I can pray for them- but I can't change them. So there is not much I can do about people who do not receive love or honesty well. I could probably write exhaustively (in the sense that it would probably exhaust the reader) about how they could fix that issue, but I feel right now that is not something that is my place to give a thorough treatment on. I will say that perhaps those people need to honestly look at themselves, see the fear and find a way to vanquish it...and we know from scripture that perfect love drives out fear. There is only one source of perfect love, and that is God. Therefore, when we are afraid, me must go to God and ask him to drive away our fears. That is a very convenient thing for somebody from my point of view to say, given that I'm usually the guy wanting his love to be accepted, but I will also say that I also have to accept that I may not necessarily be the person that the recipient needs to be close to.

What I can change is how I express my love to people. In a word, I need discernment. Instead of just...blasting people with love, I need to gauge whether or not a person can handle the amount of openness I'm going to give them. I also need to be patient, and not force the issue by giving them something they are not ready to handle. And, perhaps the most challenging thing for me, accept that there are some who will not love me to the degree that I love them. Ouch. Just saying that to me is like hugging a cactus or playing catch with a sea urchin. In many ways, this is like dealing with people who are not saved. Open engagement and debate, calling people out- a lot of times that shuts people down, causes them to lock up.

You can lead a horse to water...but you can't make it drink. That is something that I need to grasp and accept. Sometimes, it's a very difficult thing to do, because you love someone so much, but have to sit there and let them not allow themselves to be loved. A while ago, people tried to love me and I rejected them. I suspect that this caused them to wish that I would allow them to love me and help but I would not. How many people do you know that you wish with all of your being that they would accept Christ into their lives, but all you can do is wait? You can lead a horse to water...but you can't make it drink.

I will not apologize for wanting to be loved and to be known, but I will apologize if I have ever written things that, instead of helping you open up to being loved by your new family have caused you to shrink back instead. I apologize if I have ever made you wonder if you HAVE to share private things because I wish that you would reciprocate, or if I told you things you would rather not have known (the infamous "overshare"). I apologize if I have ever made myself seem uncaring about other people's needs and boundaries by throwing them things in their lap they did not want (i.e. giving you trust that you weren't ready for). I apologize if I have tried so hard to justify myself to you that I whipped the quills out like a porcupine even before you asked any questions. I do that not because I want to fight, but because I value your opinion so much that I do not want you to think I haven't thought things through or that am foolish (which I am anyway). If you are someone to whom these apologies were necessary and do not want me tagging you in notes anymore, please send me a private message saying so. The David Hynes Fan Club is a volunteer only organization, and I intend to keep it that way ;D .

To everyone else...thanks for accepting me in all of my desperate times of madness, and dealing with me in grace and love. Thank you for calling me out, and not putting up with my BS. Perhaps most of all, thank you for accepting my offerings of love. I will try not to make you regret it.

Peace in Christ,

-David

Cutting My Bloodlines- The Kingdom and The World

2007-12-28T01:36:00.000-05:00

In this two-part series of notes I'm trying to get down to this issue: How do I deal with my family?

So far I have taken an honest look about how I feel about my family of "blood and marriage" and have found out some scary things about what I think and want. I want separation...bad. I also established that in coming here, I have been given a new family, the Kingdom of Heaven, my Brothers and Sisters in Christ. There now lies a tension between my two families: My family of the World and my family of the Kingdom.

I want to sweep aside my emotions and nettlesome thoughts and questions and really look at how GOD wants me to handle this thing. So I'm going to start with Scripture. I am finding out more and more that the Bible is a book of tensions, and that our faith is a balancing act.

The first thing I came across was 1 Timothy 5:3-4. I know the context isn't exactly right, because Paul is talking about taking care of widows, but he says this:

"But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God."

Furthermore, Jesus says in Mark 7:9-13 that "You have a fine way of setting aside the commandments of God in order to observe your own traditions! For Moses said 'Honor your father and mother,' and 'anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.' But you say that if a man says to his father or mother: 'Whatever help you might have received from me is Corban' (that is, a gift devoted to God), then you no longer let him do anything for his father or mother. Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down."

So what is being said in this scripture is that you should not abandon your family, but take care of them when they need help. That makes sense, and is something that I have been willing to do, though I am more the one in need than anyone else in the financial sense. However, aside from respecting your parents and family, the Bible seems to say little in the way of your proximity to them or involvement with them. There are also some other counterbalancing factors at work here:

"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn 'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter in law against her mother in law- a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.' " Matthew 10:34-36

Woah. Not your typical Christmas-ey holiday cheer explanation for Christ's birth, huh. But he keeps going-

"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." Matthew 10:37-39

This is an interesting and personal verse for me. I used to love my dad more than God for a very significant amount of time, and it has only been in the last few years of my life that I have learned to love God above all others. But this verse is basically saying to me that you have to put God and his calling first and above everything else. But God will not call you to leave your family- or would he?

"Peter said to him, 'We have left everything to follow you!'

'I tell you the truth,' Jesus replied, 'No one has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and fields- and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.' " Mark 10:28-31

"God sets the lonely in families" Psalm 68:6

I have found that those past two selections are very true. The fellowship I have received because of my faith has blessed me immensely more than even what I had before (which, I am going to be honest, never felt like much at all).

So, I suppose my question then should be, what am I being called to? Am I being called away from my family? My instincts say yes. I have been miraculously brought here to college (ask me to tell you the story some time), which is away from my family (sort of), and the Lord has clearly blessed it. I just checked my grades from this semester from my first helping of serious Geology classes, and I can see that I have been blessed there and also in my Chinese language course. I feel a desire to do missions work in China or Taiwan and while I have not yet received a direct affirmation of this goal, God has been answering my prayers to help me grasp the language, which is a sign to me it means something to him that I can speak the language. Or maybe God is allowing me to have the desires of my heart. I am not sure.

So if I am called away, I should go (and will go happily, because where I have gone in faith I have been blessed and loved). At the same time, I must give my family the respect they deserve and not abandon them when they need help. That seems fair. I think that my sensitivity regarding this issue really is that I want to be independent, I want to be a man who makes his own decisions and I want people to respect that. The next step of my life is that I leave my father and mother to become one flesh with someone else (Gen 2:24). I need to be able to do that, and I feel that escaping the gravity of my family is essential for that purpose. A lot of times I feel like a fly in a spider's web.

I think that the solution to this is that I become more patient. I think this goes back to the thing I have mentioned before: I'm looking ahead too much. Again.

So I think that I will finish this with scripture that seems particularly apt.

"I am still confident in this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
- Psalm 27:13-14

Peace in Christ,

-David

Cutting My Bloodlines- The Problem

2007-12-27T01:44:00.000-05:00

The holidays, for the most part, are over. Today I have talked to some good friends who I haven't seen in a bit and am looking forward to seeing more. Uncertain as to what to do with myself, I experiment with my new wah pedal and in a delusion of grandeur driven by the euphoria I get from making cool new sounds with old chord progressions I imagine playing crazy funk music from the 70's. In the quiet after my distortion addled guitar playing slows down, my thoughts turn again to family, to this holiday time.

Like my first note about Friendship and the fear of losing it, this note is one that starts on the surface and cuts deeper and deeper...because I'm not interested in wasting people's time with all of the crap on the surface and the " 'Howdy David, How Are You Doing?' 'I'm doing just fine thank you very much' " type nonsense we spout endlessly to each other's faces while beneath it our secret concerns and fears writhe in our hearts like worms.

I have been troubled this holiday season. My definition of what a family is has been challenged. My love for my family has been challenged (by myself).

What is a family? The American Heritage Dictionary defines a family as

n. pl. fam·i·lies

1. A fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children.

2. Two or more people who share goals and values, have long-term commitments to one another, and reside usually in the same dwelling place.

3. A group of like things; a class.

4. A group of individuals derived from a common stock: the family of human beings.

2. All the members of a household under one roof.

3. A group of persons sharing common ancestry. See Usage Note at collective noun.

4. Lineage, especially distinguished lineage.

5. A locally independent organized crime unit, as of the Cosa Nostra.

1. A group of like things; a class.

2. A group of individuals derived from a common stock: the family of human beings.

What does the Scripture say about families? What are they?

Family is totally referenced to in the bloodline sense in the Old Testament. In the New Testament, Christ radically alters the idea of what a family is in Mark 3:31-34:

31Then Jesus' mother and brothers arrived. Standing outside, they sent someone in to call him. 32A crowd was sitting around him, and they told him, "Your mother and brothers are outside looking for you." 33"Who are my mother and my brothers?" he asked. 34Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, "Here are my mother and my brothers! 35Whoever does God's will is my brother and sister and mother."

There is another version of the same thing in Luke, the book of the Gospel my bible study has gone through recently (chapter 8 verse 20 or something like that). This definition has shaken me up and made me realize some things about how I feel regarding holidays and holiday breaks.

You see, I can't stand them (the holiday breaks). The reason has to do with what I see as a family. As I have been here at school, developing in close fellowship with many Brothers and Sisters in Christ, it has become ever apparent to me where my true family is and where my true home is. My home is here. My family is here. And when holidays and breaks come, my family goes away, and I am forced to spend time with strangers who do not know me or people I know all too well and would avoid were we not bound by blood or marriage. My actual family goes away and I am alone with this "real" one.

This realization of how I have felt on the inside and why it is I felt that way has strangely turned everything on its head to me. What is my "family" then, the one that I am bound to through marriages and blood? Are they people who I need no longer deal with? Some kind of vestigial appendix-like group of people who can be cut away and forgotten? Sometimes, I really wish it were true. Have you ever fantasized about being married and letting your significant other have his/her family there but totally no one from yours? I have. Ever thought about how great it would be to disappear, change your phone number, your address, you email, move somewhere far away, get married, and raise a family without anyone else in your blood family knowing? I have. If I ever have a partner, I dread the day of introducing her to my family. I don't want them to have anything to do with my family that I make. This isn't bragging. This isn't anything to be talking about to people publicly like this. This is sad. This shouldn't be how I think about my family, but God help me it is.

My family is a reminder of a past that I was all to eager to leave behind me when I went to college. When I went to school, I went eagerly, hoping that THIS time things would be finally different, the cords would be cut. In many ways I am disappointed and more than a little outraged that I cannot escape that cultural gravity that draws me back every year kicking, and screaming. And I'm a damn American! America, more than any country, is a place where families are very separate, but no, it's not enough for me. I couldn't imagine being from any other culture where family is EVERYTHING. I think I would truly go nuts if I had to go back to being close to my family all of the time. I'd wind up on the way to the loony bin in a straight jacket, foaming at the mouth as I went.

I had an epiphany even more jarring than my realization that what I have that most people call a "family" but is not actually my real family at all. It was the realization that my "family" of blood and marriage loves me in many ways, but in the case of many people I do not love them back. At all. That is a serious problem, from a practical standpoint as a human being who exists in a social network, but more importantly as a Christian who knows he is supposed to let the love of Christ shine.

I am not sure what to do about that. I mean, oh yes, there is the obvious "right" answer of seeing my family as an opportunity to show God's love and all of that. But I don't even want to BE there. I want to find every excuse I can to get the hell out of Dodge.

I am a very loyal person. I'm like a dog in human flesh as far as that is concerned, but like a dog I give my loyalty to the ones who feed me tasty table scraps and scratch me behind the ears. And nobody gives better food or scratches better than the family of heaven. Nobody. Keep in mind here I'm not talking about people just giving me what I want, but giving me what I need, which is love, so I guess my dog example wasn't perfect....or maybe it was, because my loyalty can be conditional. Anyway, when I go back to a place where people, frankly, suck at loving each other, it's no wonder that, like a dog, I want to get outta there and run away. There's a song by Audioslave called "Nothing Left To Say But Goodbye" that almost completely sums up my experience with Christians at college (and complements the dog metaphor):

ust like the rescue of a stray dog in the rain/ I was hungry when you found me/ You can tell by my tail and my rib cage/ what had once been around me"

"Bless your heart you gave me a home and a new start/ and I will leave you never/ sleep at your feet and stand guard at your front door/I will keep this together"

I thought I had dusted off the ashes of my ruined family and found something new, and I did. Anyway, as I have developed a new family here, I have been cutting my bloodlines, choking them off. My blood family is like a leg that has become gangrenous because I've been clamping off its blood flow in some mad attempt to have it removed, like one of those crazy people who thinks their life would be SO GREAT if they could just have X limb removed (yes, this is a mental disorder that actually exists).

I'm at a loss as to how I'm supposed to deal with this whole thing. Every holiday I walk away going, "Well thank God it's over and I can go back to school and ministry." Is that right? Is that OK? I don't know. But I'm going to keep digging deeper.

Even worse than this indecision and not knowing how to handle this whole problem is the questions it raises about me. These questions stem from this desire: I want to be a family man...

I'm a walking paradox, aren't I? And given all of my wonderful attitudes about family, what odds are you going to give me that, provided I ever have one, I'll be able to hold it together when it seems like I'm always looking for an Exit light? But I figure I'll do better than what my "family" has done. Every broken home survivor thinks that. I'm no different. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'm like the next sucker who comes into America with a dream and the heart and will to make it happen but winds up scrubbing toilets for the rest of his life. I've seen it happen to people. It's ugly.

I'm going to excavate even deeper, though, because I feel that there is more to expose to the light. When (if) I have a family of my own, what does this attitude of mine towards my blood family mean? Does this mean that when people get screwed up, I walk away? Do I say "Screw this I'm out of here" and leave those people behind to rot, too? Where does the disownment stop? At what point do I stop being a reasonable guy who's trying to avoid the fallout and become a coward? Was this disownment of the heart OK in the first place, or am I being a coward now, too? Turn the other cheek. Stand up and fight. What do I do? I have completed my excavation of myself and THE question in its entirety that makes me afraid, the monolithic fear underneath all of it is this: WHAT IF I CAN'T STOP DISOWNING PEOPLE IN MY HEART, AND WORSE, WHAT IF I TRY TO DISOWN GOD?

Oh yeah. Now we're getting somewhere. The truth of my fears and my thoughts is like somebody that fell out of the Ugly Tree and hit every stick on the way down.

This isn't over yet. I have a lot of work to do here. This is only the opening scene, the introduction of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (if you haven't seen that movie, do yourself a favor and ask me if you can borrow it ;D ). I still haven't worked out any answers, and I smell a sequel to this note coming at some point soon, the way you smell an oncoming thunderstorm in July that's knotted like a fist, purple like a bruise, rumbling like an earthquake, and flashing like a drawn sword. I'm not finished yet, I want answers and I'm going to get them.

...hopefully when I share them with you I won't be quite so melodramatic. If I know myself as well as I hope I do, I'll be writing the follow up very soon, because this is something I'm not going to let go.

Peace in Christ,

-David

The Daughters of the Lord

2007-12-20T12:36:00.000-05:00

I am a man of little experience. This past year, I have had more experience with women than ever before.

In my experience, I have been surprised by something. I have learned that they, like me, have the same fears, but merely show them in different ways. I have learned that they, like me, can be stubborn and unwilling to accept grace. I have also learned that they can be wise, discerning, faithful, honest, good natured, patient, and full of the Holy Spirit. I have found that, in my sight, women are not that different from men. We all have the same needs. We all need love. We all need joy. The only difference lies in how we display our desires for them, and how we go about getting them.

I have been utterly blessed by your presence, and it is my hope that we (men) are a blessing to you. That is what I aspire to, and what I hope my Brothers in Christ who are with me aspire to. I want to thank the Sisters of Christ that I have in my life, who have shone the light of Christ in a brilliant display to me. Every night now for the past week, I have prayed "that I will be worthy of your daughters, Lord." That is not merely said for the pursuit of romance, but to be worthy of the precious few friends of mine who are women, to be worthy of the fellowship of those with whom I serve, and to be worthy of the presence of those I see on rare and blessed occasions.

This is my encouragement to all of my Sisters in Christ: Remain strong in your faith, because your influence goes farther than you know. Though many of you do not interact with me directly or often, my respect and reverence for women has only increased as I have been here, that is nothing less than a testament to all of you being the women that Christ has called you to be. When you pull back the veil and let the light of Christ shine, it travels without limitations. I know that this light has fallen on me from you as an outlet. I know of its presence from the sweet harmonies you sing to the Lord, your generosity, your outpouring of the spirit in prayer, your concern for others, your simple acts of kindness, your words of encouragement, your patience, your quiet endurance. When that light is on display, I can only describe it in the inadequate medium of words as "awesome".

Thank You. I am honored to stand by you in the Lord's Kingdom, you beautiful Daughters of Christ

The Souce of What I Thirst For

2007-12-10T15:30:00.000-05:00

One thing after writing my previous note "The Fear of Separation" which struck me almost immediately was that I do not appreciate the friends that I have nearly to the degree I should. I am a lonely person by nature- by now I think it just goes with the territory of being me. But here I am, with more friends who I can go to and tell them ANYTHING about myself than I can count on tw- okay, one hand. Still. I am not nearsighted enough. Let me explain what I mean.

First of all, this "nearsightedness" and the idea of "sight" that I talk about in THIS note is in terms of friendships, love, and trying to perceive the future of those things, not anything else. God wants me to be nearsighted. He does not want me to be concerned for the future. The future is God's business, and is His to know and to mold. The present is where I must keep my eyes fixed. Here I, as David Hynes have access to more love than many lonely people on this Earth, and yet I cannot appreciate it. It is because my eyes are fixed on the future. Here I sit, wringing my hands about questions like "Who will love me?" "How many friends will I have left here in 2 years when everyone is gone but me?" "Should I start making younger friends so that when the older ones are gone I will still have some?" and of course, the most nagging and personal question of all (for me) "Will I ever have a family?," or to go dangerously deeper down that rabbit hole: "Am I lovable enough that someone will want to start one with me?" All of these questions are far-sighted, and cause unnecessary worry, trouble, and make me miss the point of what I am receiving now.

But I do more than ask questions. I want guarantees. Documents in writing that I won't be left out in the cold. I think that while I do truly love those good friends I have, I am indeed also a man who keeps a careful tally, a bean counter of love, so to speak. I tally what I have like rice on a scale, and with nervous hands and suspicious eyes horde them jealously. And when a single grain slips between my fingers and falls into a crack in the floor where I cannot reach, up goes my accusatory finger in some vaguely heavenward direction asking bitterly where the promises of love are. I am jealous of the World (and God) when they take my friends from me, and I am not willing to part with anyone. I am greedy for it. The Lord says that we are thirsty, and it is so true with me. I am thirsty with reckless abandon, like a man driven mad by thirst in a desert place.

I think that I must come to understand something. Why is it that I cannot stand to be parted with my Brothers and Sisters in Christ? Why is it I fear their loss and separation? I think that now I know. It is because the light and the love of Christ is in such a brilliant display in them, that here on Earth the love of God becomes real, though it is disguised in the form of another human like me. That love and that grace, the living waters that the Lord offers which they have within them, I want more, more, MORE! But instead of recognizing where this love, this water comes from, and going straight to the source, I only see it coming from and therefore only demand it of people. The Lord talks about giving water to those who are thirsty. I go to these people who have it and try to get it from them. And so when they go away, or do not respond to the demands, I feel like I am left destitute. My thirst is not slaked. And my "crazy thirsty guy in the desert" trend continues.

Now that I understand this, I must not make this mistake of going to the carriers of this water. My error is that I am relying on people to show me the love that God gives, and not on God. I am missing the point. The point of the love which we display is to point people to Christ. Ohmygosh, another connection. The woman at the well in one of the Gospels (Mark? Luke?) says that she wants the water Christ says that he has. And now with us having Christ within us, other people will see it and ask...and we point to Him. Simple, but I think I just caught that. And Christ pointed to himself at the time because get this...He was the only one at that point who had that water, AND he also happened to be the source. Now we have it, and when people see it and want it we point them towards the source. I know I know, it's like pointing out that birds have wings, I mean duh, congrats on figuring out what our job is on Earth, right? But I still am amazed by it anyway.

I must go to the source of this water, this love that I thirst for. I must, instead of asking for and expecting more of those who show Christ's love and grace, thank the Lord that He is so awesome that His love is made manifest in our corrupt flesh, that he pours his waters out on all who go to Him. I need only to see the source of what I desire, and go to Him. Then I can stop all the "tearing my hair out because I don't know why I am surrounded by love but can't FEEL it or have any of it" nonsense that I think has been going on with me for a while now.

Really, is so funny how we struggle with the most fundamental things of our faith. You think I'd be able to grasp the concept by now...

Okay, now for a totally irrelevant tangent. I am now going to totally geek out on the whole "Christ in all Christians" thing. What I am about to say reminds me of all of the "Batman vs. Superman" debates... [Commence Geeking Out] I think this is why I like Easter way more than Christmas. God coming in the form of one person's flesh is Awesome- but God residing in that of all who follow Him? That's Crazy Awesome on a magnitude we can scarcely comprehend. The immaculate conception was a parlor trick by comparison. When the devil realized what God had done, that he had multiplied Christ to a staggering degree, he must have been horrified. It'd be like playing a football game and then all of the sudden the fans in the stands start running on-field and messing up your game plan. Or, in a somewhat ironic twist of an example (this one will get your concept of good an evil scrambled!), when Neo has to fight off a million Agent Smiths in The Matrix: Reloaded, because he destroyed the one Agent Smith in the first movie. In fact, that's pretty much exactly what it is like. There are so many of us at this point, all in Christ's likeness, that the enemy is overwhelmed. So if there is one thing you can take away from this note, it is that Agent Smith= Jesus/Us Allowing Christ to Act Through Us :D (I sincerely hope that is not all you learned...). God is so cool. The Holy Spirit is so cool. [End Geek Out]

As usual, thanks for listening. Be blessed with the Peace of Christ as you live your lives for Him. Work as though unto the Lord in your finals and stuff. Don't be lazy like me, writing Facebook Notes when I should be reviewing Chinese...!

Funny Stuff

2007-12-08T12:34:00.000-05:00

So Mitchell showed me this hilarious comedy band called "The Flight of the Conchords."

Well, not all of their stuff is funny, but these things definitely are:

Albi, The Racist Dragon

The Hiphopappotomus VS The Rhymenoceros

"Did Steve tell you that? :D"

Bret, You Got It Going On

It's Business Time

I'm already learning how to play this song. I've got the chorus down- just need to get the verse stuff right :D

Split down the middle

2007-11-29T16:16:00.000-05:00

Ah, the semester is almost over and I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Sorry about the absence- I have been quite busy and also haven't had any big revelations/inspirations, at least ones that I felt the urge to type here.

Saturday Night Alive is going OK, but we seriously need to communicate better. Hopefully, we'll be able to give the system a good overhaul when the semester is over. People tell me that I am actually pretty good at playing guitar now (relative to how I was playing, of course).

I also played for IV for the first time (officially, with the instrument of choice) it went OK, but lack of fellowship on the worship team on my part made things...difficult. I felt like a bit of an outsider. But I know that will go away with time, as I get to know people.

I really am quite strange. I love InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, but I don't often fellowship with the people there who are my friends, and I don't do IV's book studies or small groups any more. But I move stuff for the worship team and now have played for them. Not only that, but I also love to go on IV retreats and I loved going to Kentucky, and it is my anxious hope I will be able to go again this year.

Yet most of my time is spent with Saturday Night Alive and the people there. It is certainly not wasted. Some of my closest mentors and friends come from SNA, and I am thankful that they have given a greenhorn like me the chance to really lead when I couldn't have a shot elsewhere (mostly because there are so many better candidates for pretty much everything than me).

I feel that IV's leadership and duties take a shine to people who are outgoing or who are willing to outreach and evangelize and things like that. On the one hand, I see that as an obvious and legitimate need/emphasis. Christians should be out there with the message, and should not be insular. I am a Christian, after all, the ultimate goal is to spread the Gospel and help people come to Christ. But I am not a Christian who feels called at all to evangelism, because I am not a charismatic, engaging or disarming person (here's looking at you, Adam!), and cannot just go up to someone and start trying to sell them my religious beliefs. Even outreach, which I define as bringing non-Christians to Christian events, is something that I do not really do. A lot of times, I feel this leaves my value as a leader in question and makes me hesitant to commit myself wholly to IV.

I guess the way to put it is that I see IV as being a machine (NOT in the typical Matrix-esque "evil machines" kind of way) and I am a weird shaped gear that does not fit into the IV machine at all. I took the leadership training, and haven't lead a small group or done anything of the sort since the time when I lead what you would call "mini-small groups" for Summer IV. I think the new area system they have is great, but ironically I don't have an interest in my area (which is off campus), nor am I sure if I want to be interested. I feel like I'm halfway between an IV leader and one of the "not-leader" people who is just along for the ride. I like elements of being both. As a leader, I like being behind the scenes and making things happen, serving people, making them feel at home or blessed. As a follower...I like having the option to step out when things aren't going my way. Call that as you will.

That, and my work with SNA also consumes much of my time which might be spent at IV things. Not that this is bad, but it is a reality that I have kind of committed myself to something else. I wish sometimes that there were two of me, and that one could serve fully with IV and another with SNA. I love both ministries and the people in them dearly, and owe both immense gratitude for helping me grow as a Christian. It was this gratitude which made me want to do SOMETHING (anything!) for IV this semester in addition to what I was doing at SNA. My first real friend in IV told me that I could not be a Nomad (what I referred to myself as during Freshman year) forever, drifting in and out of different ministries. What he says is true.

All of this is really just a thing on the surface, and like an iceberg most of the mass is beneath it.

In many ways, I would rather cut back on school to make time for ministry...I love being in ministry. As of now, it is my happy place. When I am moving speakers for the worship team at IV, I am happy. When I am "refusing to not have fun" with Brian during worship practice, I am happy. When I play "How He Loves" at SNA and the Holy Spirit hits me so hard it knocks me to my knees while playing, I am happy. When I can cut 2x4s to make stairs with Jess and Megan Lord knows how many miles away from home for someone I'll never know, I'm happy. When I can crack jokes with Ben about Boone and pluck wild flowers from the mountains for him (I still have picture of you with the flowers in your hair, Ben :D ), drink Cheerwine/Navigate with Andrew and split wood with Jeff, I am happy. When I can confess my heart to my brothers in Christ (you know who you are), and hold them up as they hold me up, I am happy. When I play volleyball with Taka & Co., get blinded when Sotty takes his shirt off, and dance the Charleston in between sets because I feel like acting like a fool, I am happy. Not just happy, but filled with joy. And if I cannot be filled with joy with people that I know and love (even if I only know them on the surface), I will be very sad.

There may come a time when my responsibilities in either SNA or IV and the inevitable time constraints of "real life" (man, do I hate that place! Who invented "real life" anyways!?) force me to choose between the two ministries I love, and I dread that day's arrival. Already, I have had a parting with friends whom I love dearly but cannot see, but cannot enjoy life with- Mi, Steve, Rita & Jake, Joe, and others. Knowing what it is like, I am not afraid to say it is something I fear.

Even as I write this, I am really unsure of how to become happy or hopeful regarding this matter. But I think that, if I look at the truth I know, perhaps hope and the prospect of joy will come to me again. That truth is that there will come a time when eternity is ours, and I will eat with all of my beloved brothers and sisters in Christ at Christ the King's table, and there will be no separation, no departure from one another, no tears of parting or sentimental sorrows of good times past, but only a past of joy, a present of jubilee, and a future of abounding love.

You know what? I believe that what God is offering me is worth going through the separation and parting that I fear. God asks that I pull it together and follow Him where he leads me, His promise being that I will see them all again and have joy with them as I never have before. That, I think, is something I can do for Him.

Take Me Back

2007-11-11T13:56:00.000-05:00

You know, one thing I will boast about my God is that every time I am a coward and run from what I am called to, Christ receives me back every time. Every. Single. Time.

Amen.

Wow!

2007-11-05T17:51:00.000-05:00

I just had a major musical breakthrough. I wrote a really great worship song and then my guitar string broke...I have never written a song so fast. I did it in all of 15 minutes...wow! Normally I get about half-way through and break down, I can't expand on it musically because of my inexperience and lack of, for want of a better word, musical vocabulary.

Inhale/Exhale

Chord Progression (capo at 5): Bm G A E ?

I cry your name

You come and touch

The part of me

I’ve hidden so much

I barely grasp

Your gift of grace

But it has sustained me

In this place

In this life

So full of fear

Defeat draws close

I need you here

You heavenly hosts

I cannot see

My eyes are open

Deceiving me

Can’t cover them up

Not on my own

I need your strength Lord

Can’t do it alone

Chorus:

E G

You Holy Spirit falls on me

With such a force

Now I can breathe

Lookalikes

2007-11-03T00:42:00.000-04:00

Today at IV, I let my hair out, which I have been doing more and more, mostly because it gets compliments...except from one girl, who keeps bugging me to get a haircut. She said "You're not Van Halen" so since Van Halen was the first thing she thought of, I'm totally not getting it cut now....anyway, I went into the men's room, and casually looked into the mirror over the sinks. It struck me almost immediately that I looked like my dad in his high school graduation photo.

The apple does not fall far from the tree.

I feel like there is meaning in this realization that we looked almost exactly the same (except that Dad was clean-shaven in the photo and I'm...pretty scruffy right now). Maybe something will be revealed to me. Or maybe it's just one of those meaningless "well, have a look at that..." kind of things.

Teaching

2007-10-28T02:07:00.000-04:00

I did my first teaching this Saturday. It went very well. I also ran worship solo...it was difficult, but not impossible because the Lord was with me. There was one part when I was reading Phillipians when the microphone started making obnoxious static noises, so I ripped the plug out of the mike and went un-amplified for the rest of the teaching. It was a small crowd, so it wasn't a big deal to speak on my own vocal power. The Lord really blessed me with an ability to speak publicly that was not there before. Praise God!

Here is something of a transcript of what I said, though it is polished a little more than what I actually spoke.

"In The Valley of the Shadow of Death"

"When Bad Things Happen After We Step Out of The Boat"

Psalm 23 is a very familiar psalm, and one which this teaching takes its title from. Last week, Josh addressed our need to listen for the Lord's call, and step out of the boat in faith. This week, I will teach about what happens when either we step out of the boat and things start going bad, or when we stay on the boat and we are thrown for a loop with hard times.

*Begin by reading Psalm 23*

This Psalm is a comforting one. It is easy, perhaps, to look at it and see that it is good and true. Yet, there are also times in our life when the claims of David in this Psalm, the promises of shelter, of sustenance, of love, seem like a bitter lie.

Let's say you have just come back from a time of spiritual clarity where God has revealed things to you, about his love for you, or about his plans for you. You have been blessed by a time where the Lord felt close to you, and your purpose became clear as an autumn sky. Then, as you begin to descend from this pinnacle to go to that other high place of blessing you have been called to, things fall apart in short order, and your life descends into a morass of mistakes, and overwhelming difficulties. It seems as though you are wandering through a wooded valley, with the sun setting so that it barely shines through at all, and there is a thick fog blocking everything from sight, making you lost, disoriented, and feeling alone. Not only do you feel separated from God; but your life is beset by all kinds of calamities.

It is easy to believe in God when you are close to Him, and when everything in your life is beautiful. In times of difficulty, it is not so easy, and our faith is challenged. There are three ways in which we are challenged that I will cover. The first test of our faith in these times is KNOWING THE LORD IS WITH YOU. The second is SEEING WHERE HE WANTS US TO GO. The third way is TRUSTING CHRIST AS A GUIDE. All of these tests have their unique difficulties, and our scripture has many examples of this.

KNOWING THE LORD IS WITH YOU

Needless to say, when you have a God who claims to protect you as Christ did, there is a challenge to our faith in that when it appears that we have been abandoned and are no longer cared for. What shepherd can call himself good while his sheep are surrounded by wolves? Yet, there are some things that we must remember, as Christ's sheep, that are very important. The first is that as Christians, the things of this world, our grades, our cars, our clothes, our food, even how many friends we have or who they are is not of any importance compared to our relationship with God and our relationship with others. What is ailing you? What do you value? In Phillipians, Paul says *read Phillipians 3:4-11* If what is causing you distress is the loss of things which don't matter, then reconsider what is valuable to you and you may not be in as much trouble as you thought.

In the Scripture, there are many instances of people having terrible times in their life. In fact, there is likely not a single man or woman who God used that did not wrestle with the difficulties of living in this world. David struggled with it; Elijah struggled with it; Paul struggled with it; and even Christ struggled with it, because he came to this Earth as one of us to suffer with us. David cried out to the Lord countless times in the Psalms; Paul said in 2 Corinthians "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times, I pleaded with the Lord to take it from me. But he said to me 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in your weakness."

All of these people who had difficulty did not run from the Lord in hardships, as the temptation is to do (why run towards the one who abandoned you, right?), but ran to him instead. They received the blessing when they came to the Lord in prayer. Prayer is key; it is our proof that we love God. If you love someone, would not talk to them? If you are having a hard time in your life, would you tell someone else about your difficulties? Then how much more should we tell God of our problems, the one who we must love above everyone and everything, and who loved us above everything as well!

A psalm of Asaph, Psalm 77, is fitting for this challenge, and an example of a right response. *read Psalm 77*. We must not forget the things that God has done for us in the past, and the examples of his might. In this Psalm, Asaph refers to the pillar of fire leading Israel through the wilderness and the Red Sea.

SEEING WHERE HE WANTS US TO GO

If there is one thing I know about these trough periods, it's that I want to get the heck out of Dodge. They are the LAST place I want to be and, I think that it is pretty safe to assume that most people do not like their lives to be difficult in a negative way, or stressful. We want peace and completeness in our lives. As David put it, "Of that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest- I would hurry to my place and shelter, far from the tempest and storm." Sometimes, God does not pluck me out of my situation as soon as my patience runs out, so out of my impatience for this situation to end, I try to get out of this murky forest by myself. I try to find the best way I can to get out, or try to find my own way towards the goal which the Lord told me to strive for in my moment of clarity prior to this trough period.

An example of my own desire to find my own way was when I was working in a worship team (not SNA), simply as a roadie who moves heavy things around. I had been waiting for some time to play with the team, but through a prior struggle of faith I had learned to be patient and wait for the opportunity to play with these people. One day, I was offered one of those green egg shaker things. I kind of looked at it, in a blank sort of way after the worship leader had given it to me. You see, the Lord had shown me earlier that he would use me for the worship team, that I would serve with them. Since I had been building up my skill with my instrument, the guitar, I naturally assumed that when the opportunity to play would arise, it would be a request to play my guitar. So I, in my false humility, turned down the opportunity to shake a rhythm egg in front of people and went off to piously read my Bible. A few minutes later, I had realized that I had been given an opportunity in an unexpected form, and that I should take it. So I spent my night playing bongos instead of playing guitar, and it was blessed to be a part of it and humble myself.

My error was that I kept my eyes open. Since I could not see into the future and tell exactly how I was to be used, I made my best guess and was looking for it to appear. Surely I would be used in the way in which I was trained. But the Lord often has a surprise planned for us. In my case, it came in the form of a green egg.

As another example, let's say that the lights are out in this room, and I have to leave it, but all I can see is the light from the open door over there. The most direct way is for me to walk straight for the door; the problem is that there are all these pews in the way, and I'm not going to get anything except a sore shin for my trouble. But if someone who knows the church inside and out were to take my hand, that person would be able to guide me outside, by first walking down the aisle (which is away from the door) and then towards it. We are like that. We cannot see the obstacles on the most direct way because we cannot see into the future and do no know what it holds. In the same way, God knows everything, and is capable of bringing you to where you need to be. He can see what you can't, and knows the best way for you to take based on who you are as a person.

The idea of allowing our Lord Christ to guide us has never been so succinctly summarized as it is in the Proverbs, which say "In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps," and "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death."

TRUSTING CHRIST AS A GUIDE

So now God, after we have closed our eyes to the world and opened our heart up to him, has shown us the way in which he wants us to go. And in some cases, it seems ridiculous, in the wrong direction. But we must trust Christ as our guide.

Please turn with me to the Gospel of John, chapter 10, verses 1-18. In this chapter, Jesus is again reaching out to the Jewish people and speaking in parables to them.

Jesus here gives us a promise: That when he has taken us into his flock, he will not let us fall away. And he has promised that we will be saved from destruction through him. Having faith in this requires us to believe several things; that God knows what is best for us, and that God is powerful enough to accomplish it in our lives. Part of the purpose of the Word of God is to explain to us who God is, and what God is like. There are many accounts of his power here, so that we might be convinced he is trustworthy.

In the story of Joshua and the fall of Jericho, the Lord told Joshua to have his people march around Jericho, one of the mightiest strongholds in the land, and lay siege to it with music and shouting. I don't know about you guys, but if I was a military commander, I wouldn't plan a siege by ordering up a brass marching band and a parade float with a screaming metal band on it unless maybe I was laying siege to a nursing home. Yet, as wacky as the plan was, the walls were destroyed and the Jewish people were given the victory. Later, when Gideon was leading an uprising against the evil people who had taken over Israel, the Lord had him pare down his forces from 32,000 men to 300 men, less than 1% of their original number against an army which could not be counted. With every one of the 300 men blowing a trumpet, the armies of Midian turned on each other and the people were again delivered. These are both great stories of triumph throughout obeying commandments from God which seem to make no sense, yet still fulfill the promise of delivering the oppressed people.

And here is another: In order to save mankind, God came to the Earth in the flesh of a human, born into poverty, of a race which was under the control of a militant regime and had no power left, and was killed by the people of his own race. I have to tell you, if I have a mind to save someone, getting myself killed is usually not going to be beneficial for that plan or in any part of it. And yet, as strange as the method was, it worked. Christ was victorious over death, and through our faith in him, we are saved from ourselves. When we realize who God is and how powerful he is, it is then that we will humble ourselves and consent him to be our guide.

CONCLUSION

I would like to conclude this teaching by saying that if you have felt like your life has seen only times of difficulty, and you don't even know what it is like to have guidance and supreme love in these times, pray in your heart and ask Christ to enter into you and be the guide of your life. In his hands, we are secure beyond all measure. He is the good shepherd, and he will NEVER lose you. If you have run from him before, he will give you grace and receive you again, for his grace is without bounds.

A Teaching

2007-10-23T23:32:00.000-04:00

So...the week I have 2 mid terms and 2 labs due is the week I offer to lead worship by myself and do a teaching at SNA. I'm really a glutton for punishment. If you're reading this and are the praying sort, please pray that I will be able to accomplish all of my academic demands while still completing preparation for the message I will deliver.

The Geology Structure mid-term is down, and thank God, I think I did well, which I desperately needed to get my grade up...now all I have is this annoying field trip report, lab, and Chinese exam tomorrow, along with a small bit of Chinese homework...

The Green Egg

2007-10-19T22:27:00.000-04:00

For a while, I had been wanting to play with the worship team but couldn't, and it frustrated me. I then realized that God had made it so I couldn't play at IV to humble me, and that I should be patient and wait for God to offer me the privilege of going up there and serving others. Tonight, he offered it to me in the form of a green rhythm egg, and I in my false humility rejected it. *pious voice* "Surely when God called me he would have me play the instrument that he has been training me in." And so I said, to my shame and regret "When I go up and play, I'll do it with my guitar." It hurts even to type it now.

I picked up the Psalms, which say to worship the Lord with all my soul. I didn't need to even see the ones talking about worship to remember them- I knew they were there, in my heart, calling out to me to stop being a fool. I had the feeling I was missing something huge. And I realized God had offered me what I had been asking for...but not in the way I had envisioned it.

The problem is, we are supposed to live by faith, not by sight. But I practically have a pair of night-vision binoculars strapped duct-taped to my forehead. God tells me he is going to do something with my life. Then comes the delusions of grandeur, and they are easy enough to identify and knock down. But then there are these small ones that slip through...and before I know it, I wind up believing them, convinced that this is the way God is going to use me.

God really is so good. I was so convinced that when I was to be called to go up there (when I was skilled enough, of course- because we all know that God demands perfection! *sarcasm*), I would do so with my electric guitar, my cool effects pedals and my ridiculous hair...and I get handed a green rhythm egg...looking back on it, it's actually hilarious, and I'm laughing about it now. God certainly has a sense of humor. The problem is, I don't always catch the joke.

The Proverbs say, "In his heart a man determines his course, but the Lord determines his steps."

The Proverbs say again "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." I praise the Lord that he is not content to let me go running into places I do not belong. Amen. Guide me Lord Jesus.

Writer's Note: I spent the my first IV worship service playing an un-amplified bongo and tapping a tambourine with a stick. And it was awesome.

I can make it on my own!

2007-10-18T02:04:00.000-04:00

I have a habit of watching something online called "The Strong Bad Emails". Today, the Lord did the impossible by tying in the random/hilarious content of one episode into my life...observe the following (there is a point to this note, I swear!):

Sbemail109

....OK, so now that you've seen it, wipe the tears of laughter/pity from your eyes and dig this: I am Li'l Brudder. Not in a "lookit me, I'm a cute puppy who deserves attention" kind of way (though I am rather adorable [joking]), but a "I can make it on my own!" kind of way.

At first, that kind of an attitude in spite of such a debilitating handicap as having only one limb seems like a great one to have; one of independence and freedom, of pursuing dreams ("I'm gonna be a quarterback someday! I'm gonna throw for 2,000 yards!"). In many ways, it is the American attitude I was born into and have grown up with. It is my father's attitude which he raised me with, one in which I should not be an unnecessary burden on others, sucking the life out of them.

The problem is, as noble as it sounds, it's wrong. Utterly, irrevocably wrong. Why is that? Because it stiff-arms EVERYONE, including God. You can't help me. I need to make it on my own. I'm not going to ask God to help me; I shouldn't have to be bugging God about every damn thing. I should be able to make it on my own. Millions of other people do it all the time. If all the other people in my class can get through it on their own strength, so can I. Why is it I should be weak?

If other people are the standard, no wonder my existence has been in such a sad state with my academic life! How can other, broken people with no salvation be my standard for how I "make it" in life? That is a fatal flaw in my belief that has been revealed to me by the Lord. The point of me coming to Christ is out of admission that I cannot "make it on my own" no matter how strong I try to be, no matter how much of a "heart of a champion" I have. The reason why people are in such sad shape is that they try to make it on their own all of the time and are trying to do it with only one limb, figuratively speaking. It makes them miserable.

This ties into an even greater issue: My God is an intimate, loving God. Closer than any lover, more knowledgeable about me than any friend, more passionate for my success than my own flesh and blood relatives. I put my faith in Jesus Christ, not another, because I recognize the value of His perfect love and have a deep aching need for that perfect love. Recently, I felt that it was not there. I wanted to draw close to the Lord, but I could not, and did not, and I felt distant, like God was in another universe and I had no idea how to leap that gap. Why was that? Because I did not even come to Him to help me "make it" in life.

If I cannot come to the Lord as someone asking for a few bucks, or as someone asking for help in a homework assignment, how can I come to him as someone who wants deep, deep love? Who has deep, loving relationships with a person but can't ask them to spot them 5 bucks at the Burger King?

It all comes back to this thing of not wanting to be a burden. But the truth that my sinful nature obscures is that Christ has already bourne the greatest burdens of mine; he has carried the multitudes of my sin himself. My sins have caused his side to be pierced; and it is my sins that have driven the nails into his hands. If I had not created these burdens for him to bear, he would not have had to die for them. So what, then, are these infinitesimal things that I worry will become some kind of noisome burden to the Almighty God who levels nations, shapes the universe in his hands, and plays with time the way Justin Weber plays with a yo-yo?

If I cannot come to God with "small" things, then I cannot come to God for things like "love". Love is related to trust. I have to trust that God will provide.

And I have to trust that the Lord loves me so much that he wants all of my requests, big and small.

Lucky for us, he loves us very, very much.

Peace in Christ,

-David

The Big Game

2007-10-15T18:26:00.000-04:00

So, I'll be hobnobbing with other IV leaders this Wednesday night. When other people ask me what I'm the leader of, I'll just tell them I'm the leader of these big beefy arms I use to move speakers with ;)

It should be interesting.

Body Parts

2007-10-11T19:11:00.000-04:00

I was recently having a good conversation with a friend Brian about speaking in tongues and was going through Corinthians 12 about the Gifts when I was hit by these verses: 1 Corinthians chapter 12, verses 14-31. They talk about the needs of the body for specific parts. This is a very familiar verse among Christians, and many know it or know of it. I thought I would share how this impacted me with people who I share ministry duties with (and with anyone else who happens to read it).

One passage really struck me tonight, and that was verses 14-18:

Now the body is not made up of one part, but of many. If the foot should say "because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be a part of that body. And if an ear were to say "because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be a part of the body. If a whole body were an eye, where would its sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact, God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.

This convicted me strongly because I often play the part of the foot wishing I was a hand or the ear wishing I was an eye. The truth is that there is a reason I am a foot and not a hand, or an ear and not an eye, and that is because I am best at the job I have been made for. A person with hands for feet could walk, but because the hand lacks the arch of a foot, the hands used for walking would quickly break under the strain, leaving the body crippled (this is why monkeys cannot walk upright for long- they have no arch in their "feet").

Whatever I am in the Body of Christ, be it an armpit or an eyebrow, a nose or a knee, I have a purpose that God has given me because it is suitable for me, and I am "custom-made" for it. I often demand of myself that I must give God only my best. But I cannot even give the best I have to offer (which is often small compared my foolishness!) if I am not functioning in my own place as a part of the body.

Let the Lord remind you through this note, as he has reminded me through scripture, that there is Meaning in your Creation and Purpose in your Place.

In the Hole

2007-10-10T19:28:00.000-04:00

I'm in the hole. And I've been in the hole this whole semester. This week, I'm climbing out, come hell or high water. I'm tired of being behind in everything.

Zhongwen (Chinese Language)

2007-10-04T14:07:00.000-04:00

I literally get the shakes when I have to go up and speak in front of people (note: this does not happen when I play music; only when I speak, for some reason). But in spite of that, my group really delivered our Chinese skit well and the professor thought it was funny (which it was intended to be).

The idea is there is one girl who wants to buy a shirt. The first merchant proudly displays a shirt and says "I have an orange shirt!". The next one takes the shirt from him forcefully and says "I have a pretty orange shirt!" The next takes it from him and says "I have a medium sized, pretty orange shirt!" The last merchant snatches that from him and says "I have a pretty, medium sized cheap orange shirt!"

As the first merchant goes to the last merchant to try and get his orange shirt back, the girl says "I don't like orange." So the last merchant who has the orange shirt looks around and grabs the the first merchant's shirt that he is wearing and says "I have a blue shirt!" and then it goes down the line of merchants in reverse order with them grabbing the first merchant (that would be me) by his blue shirt and trying to sell it... then the first merchant shrugs and tries to sell the shirt he is wearing to her as well. T

hen the girls says she doesn't want shirts. Everybody asks "Well, then what do you want!?" and she says "I want a pair of (goes into intense detail) shoes." Then all of the merchants sigh and go "We don't sell shoes!"

Not laughing? I guess you had to be there. But people thought it was funny, and I brought one of my trusty orange shirts/myself as a prop. Steve knows all about the orange shirts ;). It was probably the shortest skit, but it was coherent and everybody spoke their lines well. I would rather have a short skit that I remember and lose points on length than have a long skit that I choke in the middle of and lose points AND embarrass myself and my partners.

The point is, things went well and I am happy. Now if I could understand how to make these geological cross-sections which are due next week, I would be very happy!

While I wouldn't say my academics are good, I would say they are a far stretch better than what they were since school started. This has been a better week. Let's hope the next one tops it.

Jesus Freak

2007-10-02T23:00:00.000-04:00

Several months ago, I had my mom get me the album "Jesus Freak" by d.c. Talk....she had asked me if I wanted anything from Hawaii, so I asked her to buy me the album. She could have probably just sent me money and saved on shipping costs, but there is a novelty in getting stuff in the mail.

Anyway, after listening to "So Help Me God" and "Jesus Freak", I swore to learn them because they rocked. Well, my desire to learn them reached critical mass tonight and I looked up the chords on ze internets. I was surprised by how relatively simple it was to play- and is sounds effing metal through the Boss Distortion pedal I bought. I can't wait to master this song; the hardest part is that almost every line in the song except for a short interlude has a B Minor bar chord. This is good, however, because I need to know that chord for a lot of worship songs I do, so I'll also be practicing an important chord I need to know anyway while I'm rockin' out. It's delicious and nutritious, all in one.

Who said you can't rock for Jesus...

Another great picture of me playing my guitar...

Well, OK, that's actually Eddie Van Halen, but we have a lot in common, right? We both are white, have long hair, love rock and roll, and look! Our guitars are even the same color!

Pittsburgh

2007-09-30T19:24:00.000-04:00

Some of you may not know that I am a Pittsburgh Steelers fan. Well, I am, and I am not a happy one...the game I just finished watching where they played against Arizona was possibly one of the most pathetic attempts at Defense on the Steelers' behalf I have possibly ever seen. After Palomalu left, everything fell apart. Combine that with some absolutely trash offensive drives by Roethlesburger & Parker and what you get is a loss like what they just suffered. Why the heck did Troy Palomalu leave so early? If he was injured, why was he pacing on the side lines with his helmet on half the time? And, finally, why does the Steelers have so many players with funny last names that I don't quite know how to spell?

Thankfully, they didn't thoroughly embarrass themselves, and manage to close their loss to only a 7 point difference.

Anyway, back to my regularly scheduled Geology lab...

Let God Invade Your World

2007-09-26T00:36:00.000-04:00

You know, my experiences in the past few weeks academically have really thrown me for a loop. As damage control, I tried my best to put my "spiritual life" in a different category from my "academic or 'real' life", so that my personal problems wouldn't affect my ministry work.

No wonder I've been so messed up this past month!

One thing that seems to happen to me and I am sure happens to some of you is that we let the world invade our "spiritual life", our relationship with God. Or, if we can see that will be a problem, we separate God from our "real world" to avoid letting bad things leech into our spiritual life and as a result don't let Him out to change things.

We should be doing the reverse. I should be letting my relationship with GOD invade my world. When I feel stupid as I'm beating my head against Geology lab work, I should let the truth of how much I am loved and valued drive out dark thoughts of inferiority. When I feel overwhelmed as I try to juggle an endless onslaught of Chinese homework with imposing Geology labs, work study, ministry, and Lord knows what else, I need to let my knowledge that God will care for me as he cares for the sparrows invade my life. When I feel lonely, I need to let the knowledge that I am loved by the Most High invade my heart.

We KNOW so many things about what God thinks about does, and does for us. But to we take it to HEART? Do we let it come true in our lives?

I try so hard to fight back against problems. But this much is true: The battle is the Lord's. It's time to let the Lord fight back for me. I want God to invade my life completely. Will you let him invade yours?

Action and Reaction

2007-09-24T12:32:00.001-04:00

I noticed a peculiar pattern in how I view the way I communicate with people.

For me, it's more like "the reaction is up to the other person" not "my action automatically will cause a reaction in another person, so I should walk on eggshells". A friend of mine once had an argument with me about this issue; I believe that, for example, if someone punched me in the face, I have every right to be angry about it and that there is nothing wrong with it.

My friend proceeded to argue that actually I had a choice whether to be angry or not. And that, ultimately, I should choose not to be angry that somebody hit me, because my religion dictates that I deal with people with grace and love, not anger and hate. I told him that it's pretty hard to make the choice not to be angry right then and there. He told me that when somebody does something to you, the "ball is in your court, and you have to choose what you're going to do with it, regardless of what the other person has done." I may have a right to choose to be angry, but should I allow myself to be such in light of what I believe?

But instead of applying this good lesson to myself, I applied it to all Christians and expected them to react with love and grace even though I do not. Hence me telling people the truth without love. It's the lazy way out. When I wrote a letter to my dad about my beliefs, I spent days on it and had people read it to see if it would be provoking in a bad way. I never do such things when communicating with Christian brothers and sisters.

So in other words, I've been punching people in the face and expecting them to smile about it and give me a pat on the shoulder. It's actually a pretty funny image, but the fact that I'm actually doing that figuratively is not a good thing. There may come a point where someone I communicate to in this poor way may not be able to handle what I say gracefully.

Ah. I just thought of something. I realized that I only "say" dumb, angry, hurtful things when I write. My Dad did a great job of conditioning what I say to people, and that isn't too much of a problem for me. But I never conditioned myself how to write, and therefore I never did control myself in quite the same way as a writer. Looking back now, a lot of my essays of argumentation came laden with warnings from my instructors about using demeaning language meant to personally attack the other person/idea instead of focusing on the point. The way I write was distracting people from the main point of the essay.

Well, at least I'm getting somewhere.

Like a Diamond

2007-09-24T10:35:00.000-04:00

I am not clay. Far from it. I am diamond. Formed under unimaginable pressure and made of that which is as common as charred firewood and ash or your very exhaling breath. Like a diamond, I am filled with fire at my core that emanates out. And, like I diamond, I am transparent, and people can see right through me. And, like a diamond, I am without value, even for saw blades, unless I am cut in the right way.

When God shapes me, it isn't like a potter shaping clay, but a jeweler cutting a diamond, the hardest substance known to man. Because I am a stubborn man who does change shape easily. The good news, though, is that like a diamond, I do not lose my shape once I am cut. I do not take steps backwards and be what I was. I do not break under pressure (except that which God applies, which can crush anything). I do not lose my loyalty when I have been shaped. And I am being shaped by the greatest jeweler there ever was.

Compliments vs. Thanks

2007-09-22T14:13:00.000-04:00

The Thought Engine is roaring at full speed today. Here is another thing that has been on my mind since last night, when I was acting Roadie for the IVCF Skit/Gift night.

First, let me start with a definition (this is my definition, I don't have a dictionary handy):

Complement v/n: a comment made form one person to another indicating that the recipient has not only met the standard, but that they have exceeded the standard and have done better than what was expected or required.

Thanks v/n: An expression of gratitude for an effort made, regardless of its quality or inherent value.

On Compliments:

I have a couple of problems with them. The first is that they are often done out of flattery, and flattery is absolutely useless to me. The second problem is that one person's idea of what is extraordinary and above the standard does not always align with what another person's idea of what is above the standard. The third is that I hate when they are done in a public manner, because they feel...patronizing. If someone were to seriously sit down with me and compliment what I have done, then that is different. My gripe is about public compliments.

As an example, I remember someone complemented me for "being brave" and stuff like that when I went up to read poetry (probably because I sometimes stammer or screw lines up, and so they think that me going up there is an act of bravery because I sound like somebody who is terrified of public speaking). I don't give a crap about whether I'm brave or not, that's besides the point. I didn't go up on stage to be "brave" I went up there to read my poem and get the point across! I went there because God called me to, and I need to be sure that I did a good job doing it. So telling me I was brave isn't helping me do a good job.

And, I have to admit, I do appreciate complements on what I create itself. It is my hope that perhaps in the future I will be able to do things that are worthy of compliments. Given how high I set the standard for myself, I doubt that time will ever come. I guess what I mean to say is that I use how I am right now as the standard. So if I do a great guitar lick on stage, I would consider that compliment worthy because I have never done it before. Now that the bar is raised, I wold expect no compliments if I did it again. I don't compare myself to people other than me.

I guess my point is, unless I have done something you deem truly extraordinary, do not compliment me out of hand in public. Compliment me because I did something that moved you or because you thought it was awesome, and compliment me in private, because the most honest, flattery-free kind of compliments are done where no one else can see. If something as easy as moving boxes is awesome to you...you must be easily impressed, in which case you should come listen to me play guitar sometime. I'll have a small following of groupies in no time :D

Really, I think the only person that deserves public complements and praise is God. Because God does the impossible every day. So if you are about to give me some kind of public praise...praise God instead.

On Criticism:

If there is one great thing about criticism, it is that it is never flattering, so it can be done publicly or privately, though doing it publicly is humiliating on the part of the recipient of criticism. I take pride in my work, and so I value constructive criticism above all things, because it helps me do my job better. If you are telling me things which will help make me do my job better, please, by all means speak up. Nobody criticized me for how I moved stuff, because that's a pretty hard job to mess up *smiling* but if they did, I would try to do it better. But I would no more want someone to tell me "You move boxes great!" publicly anymore than I would want them to say "You suck at moving boxes" publicly.

On to Thanks.

I see thanks as being different. "Thanks" means that the person was happy that you did something regardless of what it was and doesn't imply that you are somehow great or exceeding the standard. What it means is that the person sees that you care and did something. Thanks is something I am willing to accept, even if I was only doing some basic thing. Some people have thanked me, like Grace, Mitch, and Jen (for some reason...). I greatly appreciate this and take it to heart. I like it when I am recognized for what I have done without it being glorified, flattered, or patronized with unnecessary or public complements.

I feel it is also easier for me to remain humble when given thanks instead of complements.

So, for those I in turn thank people for their thanks. Thank you for having something for me to do for the kingdom, even if it was only something as rudimentary as moving mics and speakers around. It is my hope that someday, I will be able to do even more.

Another Lesson in Humility

2007-09-22T12:26:00.000-04:00

Consider me thoroughly chastened.

I need to take a serious look at how I react to people, and a good dose of humility is in order. Apparently, what I desire (love), and what I am capable giving of are two monumentally different things.

You all have my formal, no-BS apology. I am sorry for any emotional distress or wasted time my comments have incurred. I have recently been...enlightened...that I am apparently one heck of a "Type A" personality who does not like to be wrong and who does not seem to be capable of communicating in a right way. So I am sorry for my inability to properly communicate what I mean.

One thing God keeps telling me that I really, really don't like:

"Get used to being on the receiving end of Grace. A lot. Because you say dumb stuff that makes people angry, which due to the fact that you love me, means you eventually feel convicted about it and either have to humble yourself or destroy your relationship with that person, and since you care about people (because you care about my command to love people), you have to humble yourself, and when you humble yourself, you are putting yourself in a position where you are relying on the other person's ability to dispense Grace from Me."

And there's no arguing with God.

Hilarious

2007-09-16T16:25:00.000-04:00

Today, while doing Chinese homework, and up to my hairline (which isn't high per se, but definitely higher than my eyeballs) in Geology labs to do, I was watching a Strong Bad email on Homestarrunner.com. This one episode is about someone wanting Strong Bad to write his English paper for him. Given that I'm kind of under the gun with all of this irritatingly demanding and outrageously trivial lab homework, it seemed fitting. When Strong Bad added the diagram to the kid's paper, I burst into tearful laughter for about 5 minutes, and felt inspired to share my fun moment with whoever it is that reads this thing.

Strong Bad Email # 64: "English Paper"

Enjoy. I'm not sure how funny it will be to you, but it was "the right thing at the right time" to make me laugh.

What's Causing the Thought Engine to Sputter

2007-09-13T20:05:00.001-04:00

Right now, Academia is beating the snot out of me like a red-headed stepchild. That's OK, I'm used to rolling with the punches. It doesn't mean I like it, though.

I would also give most of my possessions and maybe a limb to know what's in store for me after school (and how I can avoid it if it's bad...) but God likes his secrets.

The loneliness thing is merely icing on the cake, really. Not nearly as much as a problem as my academic ones, because people aren't investing time and money into my love life (but lacking a love life is easy to wax poetic about, so that's what I write about most). But my grandparents and my mother have devoted themselves to the cause, and I don't want to waste anyone's time/money.

So when Chinese sucks, Structure 1 sucks, and Surficial Processes sucks, I have a serious problem on my hands. I need to know if I have picked the wrong major, am just going through a tough spot in my major, or need to man up, take the thumb out of my mouth, and do the work. My natural inclination is to pick the last one but never do it. Hooray for self-destructive thought processes.

So now you know the crux of the issue. Yes, I want to be useful, and do meaningful pursuits. I also want to do a good job. I take a lot of pride in my work. So when I'm not doing a good job, I take it personally (even if people don't accuse me or anything). In some ways, I'm still in "welding" mode. The only difference is that my work is not as tangible as a steel beam holding the roof over little kids in a new school, it's some stupid lab paper in Structure class that doesn't mean a DAMN thing.

Have you ever seen The Incredibles? It's an awesome movie. If you haven't seen it, drop what you're doing and go rent it. Right now. I'll be waiting.

...now that you're back, I was getting ready to say that I feel like Mr. Incredible after he's been forced to go underground and work a humiliating job at an insurance agency instead of going out and saving the world like he's used to. I want that feeling of doing something TANGIBLE again.

Mr. Incredible at is insurance adjusting job.

The worship ministry is a part of that need. But make no mistake, it isn't merely something to make me feel useful about myself; God's work has consistently been the most rewarding thing I have ever done. It goes beyond saying "I helped people". It is like "I helped people for a greater purpose that is so awesome I can scarcely comprehend it, and I did it for a God who is so uncompromisingly good and loving that it sends shivers down my spine to think about him".

That is awesome. I hope that maybe someday the drudgery that I do today will translate in to works for the Lord someday.

Concerts

2007-09-12T18:12:00.001-04:00

So far this week, I have been to two concerts and plan on going to two more by next Monday...

The first was a Christian hard rock band called The Giants of Silence, who came all the way out from Indiana to rock out for Campus Crusade...they didn't have whole lot of people, and the crowd was kinda subdued, but they rocked out anyway and it was fun to watch them play and listen to them.

The second was last night at a bar called the East End Cafe. What a misleading name. Anyway, a guy in my Chinese class plays bass and backup vocals for his band...they play stuff along the lines of Green Day, The Ramones, etc. They were fun to listen to, and actually I just sat there by the stage and did Chinese homework the whole time, bobbing my head. The environment wasn't awesome, but they played very well anyway.

The next one will be this Friday, a Christian artist named Jeremy Riddle will be playing at the Vinyard Fellowship Church (formerly called Newark Christian Fellowship). Finally, there is a concert I'm going to next Monday, at the brandywine library...some dude who's good at playing guitar, I've heard, so I gotta come and see.

Rock and Roll!

2007-09-11T00:48:00.000-04:00

Friends, Family, Brothers, Sisters,

I am sorry that I have not been present to offer encouragement. I cannot say little else for the selfish behavior on my part, as I know I have had time where I could have said something, and did not, in the case of many friends I have.

I have been through almost debilitating lows of loneliness in the past week, and I know I am not the only one who suffers. It has reached a point that while I will not allow my sorrow to make me incapable of functionality, I live in a state of sadness or expectation of it. That our Savior has suffered with us in loneliness is something that is in part comforting to me, and I hope is consoling to you. Jesus never married. He never had a girlfriend, never had a significant other. He was alone. He was born alone, to live alone, to die alone separated from the Father.

I told my friend Brady a few days ago that I couldn't imagine living that long and never having a romantic relationship. I told him I would have gone insane, because my desire for family and romantic love is so strong. Christ not only lived for 33 years as a single man, but as a single man knowing that he had no hope of having that companionship that men and women were meant to have from the beginning. Christ never had that gift and knew it would not be there for him all along. Could a mere person live with such a defined and irrefutable truth of something he would lack his whole life? That what your kind was supposed to have would never come to you?

I have a new way to be in awe of my Savior. It is that as I am now, in my sorrowful condition, Christ was his whole life on this Earth. He knew the groaning loneliness of our hearts. And unlike us, he knew that the Lord had no plans to assuage it. Christ fell at Calvary, his life a wasted ruin to the world. And yet he rose victorious as a king of all, who has triumphed over everything. Christians, too, shall rise victorious and with unmatched joy, in our own time.

We do not suffer in vain. We suffer because the Lord has called us to take up the splintered cross and follow him into the crucible. Through pain and sorrow. I have resisted sin last night, and have gained nothing for it. But Christ did not call us to resist sin so that we may have gains of our world, of our condition here, but gains in the Kingdom. That is where I know my gains must be. If my gains are bought with tears, with sleepless nights, with anguish of my soul, then so be it. I will refuse to curse the name of my Lord for lacking unnecessary love I desire. I will refuse to let my desires lead me into slaking my thirst with anything other than the living waters that have been given to me. I will refuse to let my sorrows burden others, nor my troubles cause others to stumble. My Lord hears my cry.

Come with Jesus, to the Place of the Skull, Golgotha, where he lost everything. We have lost everything already. Look at your life in earnest. What have you gained? What is there that you have that cannot be torn from your hands? What smiles do we bear that never turn downward? What will follow you beyond the veil of death? Who loves you who will not return to dust and love you no more? What fellowship do you have that will never disband? What convenient philosophies of life do you have that do not yield to the relentless advance of mortality? If all things we can have here fall out of our hands and wither away regardless of what WE do, let us forget about trying to gain them back and look toward our Lord's victory at hand.

Though I walk in pain, I will not turn aside.

Eternity looms, and there is a knock at your door. Answer, and let the Lord enter.

Living Up To My Imaginary Image

2007-09-09T00:00:00.000-04:00

Well, I played my second gig at SNA tonight...I played electric guitar publicly for the first time, and it went pretty well, except that I rock out so hard that my string broke and I had to drop out 2/3 of the way through the show. What can I say? It was probably good anyway, 'cause I was totally showing Brian up...naw, I'm totally messin', if you're reading this Brian, you rock man. There's no way we could run SNA without you (or Liz)!

I'll have to post a picture of Brian and/or Liz some time. Both kinda came out of the blue this summer, and have been instrumental in keeping SNA afloat for the past few months. I am immensely thankful for their input, insight, and efforts in this service, and couldn't possibly overstate their part in it (and wouldn't dare understate it). You both are truly a blessing, and help make it a joy to serve the Lord and His people in worship.

Some Proverbs seem apt:

"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." 17:17
"The pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel" 27:9

The Hamburg Diet

2007-09-04T21:40:00.000-04:00

Burgers burgers burgers burgers! If I eat any more hamburgers, cheeseburgers, or any derivative of these this week, I am going to turn into a cow. Given my current "thumb exercise" regimen of video games, that is becoming more and more likely.

Leadership Redux

2007-09-02T11:12:00.000-04:00

It's about a week since I've taken over leadership of the SNA worship team with Brian. I also played my first gig tonight at SNA...I played for two songs that I knew, then dropped back onto playing the djembe. Graham, the leader of SNA, said it was (spiritually speaking) the best SNA worship time in a long while, which is saying something because there has been a spirit of...I don't know how to put it other than slothfulness or depression in the worship, and last night was radically different. It reflects the new policy Brian and I have implemented where we are going to focus on playing upbeat, faster songs that will keep people's heads up. So far, it seems to be working. Brian's exhortations of prayer and thanks to the Lord were also spot on.

This coming Friday, our worship team will establish 20 songs that we will practice and get to know so that we are all on the same page in our worship. We already have three that we have voted in, so that helps narrow things down a bit.

I have to thank the Lord for being such a blessing, that I have been given the talent that I have and that I am growing daily in my ability to play. This past week was, overall, a pretty ugly week. My bike was stolen, I haven't been performing up to par in my Chinese class, and I have been overwhelmed by feelings of loneliness. Last night, it all of the darkness swallowing me up withered before God's glory.

As one of the songs our team played last night says: "How can I keep from singing?"

Trip to the PA Grand Canyon

2007-08-30T14:51:00.000-04:00

If you want to see the pictures, go to this link to my Facebook web page:

link

Hope

2007-08-29T01:21:00.000-04:00

I have a lot of hope right now. Not just academically, but for my Saturday Night Alive ministry, leading the worship team...I'm not even playing yet, but it is truly a reward to serve in the kingdom. I have a brother in Christ named Bryan to thank for being such a great help in these times, and he is helping me lead the charge...this summer has been very helpful in terms of preparation, and I am looking forward to the days to come. Already, I can tell I'll enjoy 2/3 of my classes, and the other 1/3 is only because of the high number of students (which may not wind up being a problem).

But anyway, I cannot help but feel hopeful. It is good to feel this way. I believe that faith has much to do with this hope; I am trusting in the Lord more now than I have before, and have become closer to Him than I have before. Growing in one's faith is a wonderful feeling.

Blasted Machine!

2007-08-22T22:46:00.001-04:00

I can't seem to upload pictures from my computer, either to attach to emails to send people or to upload onto my blog. Color me po'd (decided to censor myself a little there...).

That's your deep, introspective content for today folks, sorry to disappoint :D .

To distract you from my lack of meaningful content, here's a picture of some puppies:

I feel better now. Maybe when I'm angry at my computer, I should just look at pictures of puppies? I'll have to pass this tip on to Dad. Of course, he uses some utopian operating system that never has any problems now, so I guess he doesn't need them since he disengaged from the Borg Mothersh- I mean, stopped using Microsoft's wonderful software.

"Come, join us at Microsoft. We have puppies."

Man, if that was their slogan, they would TOTALLY take over the world.

From The Highest of Heights

2007-08-20T12:14:00.000-04:00

Hello all, I'm back again after a fun (but not in the least relaxing) vacation to the deep North of PA today, in the mountains. It's stunningly beautiful, and one thing flatlanders like me have is a sense of perspective on how beautiful the mountains are, even ones so humble as the Appalachian foothills. I may not live in a place like that, but at least I can see it for what it is. I feel sorry for those who live there day to day and forget what a wonderful place thy live in.

It was great to be there, with some of my brothers in Christ (Brady, Graham, Joey) and we had a good time enjoying nature and some of Graham's family.

One thing that really struck me was how God works in people's lives. Graham's grandmother on his mother's side (Grandma Minor, if I recall correctly) came to that mountain town with her husband when God told them to leave NYC, without a destination...they wandered around New York and went into northern PA, and God told them to stop there. They started with a gas station and a bible study in their basement, and now they are the only church in town other than the Catholic one, and have endured years of hardship. The people in the area are suspicious of outsiders, and don't like them moving in. The group of Chirsitans praying in the basement of Grandmother Minor's house were the victims of all sorts of wonderful rumours, from militants bent on taking over the town (the rumor was they had a gun range in the basement...they must have been using silenced rifles :D), cultists from Jim Jones' group of followers, and finally agents from The Man. Eventually, that bible study in the basement became a church, and the local Catholic church would preach that anyone stepping foot in their church would go to hell. The one black family in town goes to their church (the others have long since been run off). The one diner pastor Minor goes to has gone as far to spit in his food...all of these sorts of things have been occurring for decades. But they endured, and their following has grown immensely.

Another thing I have seen is that God's promises of blessing really do come true; the one half of Graham's family that followed the Lord has prospered and multiplied, and the other half that despised him dwindled and has all but died out. "Those who displease me, my wrath will be upon them for 30 generations, but those who honor me will have my blessing for a thousand generations."

I'll see if I can post some pictures some time soon.

Psalm 38

2007-08-12T23:16:00.000-04:00

These verses are very apt today.

"O Lord do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath, for your arrows have pierced me, and your hand has come down upon me. Be cause of your wrath, there is no health in my body; my bones have no soundness because of my sin. My guilt has overwhelmed me, like a burden to heavy to bear.

My wounds fester and are loathsome because of my sinful folly. I am bowed down and brought very low; all day long I go about mourning. My back is filled with searing pain; there is no health in my body. I am feeble and utterly crushed.

All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you. My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes. My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds; my neighbors are far away. Those who seek my life set their traps, those who would harm me talk of my ruin; all day long they plot deception.

I am like a deaf man, who cannot hear, like a mute, who cannot open his mouth; I have become like a man who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply. I wait for you, O Lord, and you will answer, O Lord my God. For I said 'Do not let them gloat or exalt themselves over me when my foot slips.'

For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me. I confess my iniquity, I am troubled by my sin. Many are those who are my vigorous enemies; those who hate me without reason are numerous. Those who repay my good with evil slander me when I pursue what is good.

O Lord, do not forsake me, be not far from me, O my God. Come quickly to help me, O Lord my savior."

To anyone who feels that the Old Testament is old hat, I would challenge that by saying that psalms like this *jerks thumb at above scripture* shatter whatever illusions of outdatedness or antiquity people may have about it.

If you are even remotely in David's condition, act as David has. Quite few things of what David mentions, except for maybe loathsome festering wounds (and including very unpleasant back pain), have really struck me today. I finally gave it to the Lord in prayer. If you are reading this but aren't "getting it" , pray that your eyes would be opened to see the meaning of this passage, and that it would pierce your heart the way it has struck mine today. If there is intense suffering in your life, there is a reason for it's occurance. That reason has to do with us. But it also has a purpose, and that purpose is to draw us close to the Lord...because 999 times out of a thousand (and probably far more than that), this kind of suffering is what brings us close to the Lord, not our own will. People always refer to God in calamity- "Why me!?" (or in frustration..."God dammit!"....). But what we think of God determines how we address him. We tend to either do so in cursing (as above) or in prayer, if we believe in God's goodness and power.

My Charicature

2007-08-10T17:08:00.000-04:00

My picture on the right here isn't just to make people chuckle...it's also to help humble me. That sounds really weird at first, but it's not.

If I had things my way (i.e. I had lots of time to draw stuff) I probably would have made the "I'm a Rock Star In My Head" picture ridiculously over the top. I'd be on an outdoor stage in Hawaii with a volcano erupting in the background (which I timed perfectly using my Geology skillz to coincide with the climax of my show), stacks of speakers as tall as the IV house with MotoX stunt motorcyclists in Evil Kinevil suits flying over the stage, Tigers chained on either side of me (but out of reach) and with a flight of F-16's flying overhead, dropping payloads of $100 bills. And, of course, screaming, smokin' hot groupies everywhere and SWAT teams keeping them off of the stage.

I try to cope with my delusions of grandeur by making fun of them. That's what that picture is; a reminder of how outrageously delusional I get about who I really am. I take a look at my stupid, prideful thoughts that sometimes pop up and pull a straw man on them, exaggerating them to the point of obvious ridiculousness. But often, pride doesn't seem so ridiculous until we magnify it and see it for the monstrosity it truly is. What I am is only a man. What I am is a person who is humbled before the stark truth of my failures. What I am is a lover of people. What I am is a servant. What I am is a lover of God.

...damn, now I really want to draw that picture. It'd be totally awesome :D !

Run Like Hell

2007-08-08T21:54:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry for all you folks trying to keep up with my blog- it has seen a flurry of activity to day, I know- but I composed this literally in the time between when I posted my 2 Samuel Bible Study installment and now. The song is called...you guessed it-

Run Like Hell

Chord Progression/Musical Notes: I still haven't determined what to play during the verses, because of the broken up way they flow (that's on purpose, by the way). The fingering for the chorus chords is the same (play like an E minor), they’re just barred at different frets (i.e. Bar2 means bar fret 2 and finger it like an E minor [golly, that doesn't sound wholesome at all...], two frets from the bar finger)*…Slip and slide, boy, all over that guitar's neck! And yeah, it's definitely a song that I will be singing like my picture I posted below!

I see something I like
Oh yeah
Like a fish I’m gonna bite
Cause it’s an allure of the
Worst kind
A figure I can’t tear
From my mind
Even if I wanted to

And as I’m writhing on the line
I hear somebody say

Bar2*…………….
You better run like
Bar2……………...Eminor!
You better run like hell
Emin…...Bar6…………..........Bar7
Look out for what your mind’s in
You better run like
You better run like hell
If the alarm bells are ringin’
You better run like
You better run like hell
It’s hot on your heels yeah

Thoughts come unbidden
To my head
And in a second changed me
From a man into swine
I shake my head
But I’m hooked in by the eyes
And what I want isn’t
Giving up without a fight

Somewhere in the back of
My head, I'm thinkin’

I better run like
I better run like hell
I can’t believe what I’m day dreamin’
I better run like
I better run like hell
That old familiar guilt’s a creepin’
I better run like
I better run like hell
It’s hot on my heels yeah

There’s not a
Second to lose
But uh,
It’s no use
I kinda like where I am
I got some attention,
Thank you ma’m
I never had that before

And as I’m giving in something
Tells me the only way out is

I gotta run like
I gotta run like hell
Can’t you hear sin come a-screamin’
I gotta run like
I gotta run like hell
The shivers down my spine are seethin’
I gotta run like
I gotta run like hell
It’s hot on my heels yeah

I never thought
I’d get carried
So far away
I’m having a little more than
A brush with disaster
I’m caught by my flesh
I’m about to get pulled up
Hook, line and sinker

I'm getting a funny look
'Cause now I’m

Now I’m runnin’ like
Now I’m runnin’ like hell
I was blinded and now I see
Now I’m runnin’ like
Now I’m runnin’ like hell
It almost overwhelmed me
Now I’m runnin’ like
Now I’m runnin’ like hell
I tore myself FREEEE YEAH!

*crazy awesome guitar finish that I can't play but can hear in my head follows*

2 Samuel Chapter 11- Confession and Departing From Sin

2007-08-08T19:37:00.000-04:00

In Second Samuel Chapter 11, David, while his armies go out and conquer, stays at home. By coincidence he espied a beautiful woman bathing below his palace. He inquired as to who she was, and was told she was Bathsheba, wife of Uriah the Hittite, who was fighting for David. And David invited her to his palace and slept with her. Then she purified herself and went home. Later, she sent a simple message telling David that she was pregnant. So David tried to cover this up, first by bringing Uriah home and trying to get him to go home and lay with his wife to cover up the pregnancy. This failed, because Uriah was so loyal to David and his brothers in arms that he would not go home to his wife, even though he was back in Jerusalem. And so David sent Uriah back to Joab with the order to have the men retreat before the walls of the city they were besieging and leave Uriah to die. And so this happened, and when Bathsheba heard that her husband was dead, she morned and David took her as his wife. And she continued to bear David's child.

This is indeed a dark time in David's life as king. He has done several things here; He has not only committed adultery (which is typical of David, who had several wives and many concubines besides), but has done so with another man's wife, he has ignored God throughout this situation, which probably lasted over the course of probably a few weeks or so, and he committed premeditated murder. The last one did not hit me until I read it again this time; we are so used to David slaying people that it seems par for the course. But premeditated murder is very very serious. I know there have been times in my life when I wished some people were dead. But I have never thought so for days at a time. What David did was a very dark thing for this normally humble and God fearing, God praising man. And it shows how far we can go in our sin; we slip up once, and down the rabbit hole we go, trying continually to cover things up and hide it, from God and from people.

But even confessing to God is easy compared to confessing to people. You don't have to look God in the eye when you tell God you were wrong. What is it about confessing what we have done to people that makes it so difficult? The answer is Grace. God has abundant Grace and abundant Love for us, that will never run out.

And here is yet another reason why we avoid God; not because we don't have a problem with Him giving us Grace, but of what he will ask us to do. For our God is not one if inaction, and not one that wishes for us to be separated from one another by sin and strife, but connected by truth and love. So when we pray to God for forgiveness, we will be convicted to act and do the hardest thing, and that is humble ourselves before our victims in confession.

But, I know just from observing myself, that I have limited grace and limited love to give, even more so for people who have hurt me. And it is dealing with that lack of grace that people have which is the most terrifying thing. That when we humble ourselves to them, that they will not accept our apology, but spit in our face instead.

It is a difficult thing to endure, people's lack of grace. But we must, because the burdens of our sins, whether against others, ourselves, or God, will weigh us down. Guilt is a powerful feeling. It seeps into us, and can become a part of our everyday existence and we don't even know it anymore. It convicts us, and sometimes so much that we become sick of it and block it out, that we would rather ignore our burden of guilt than go through what is necessary to remove that burden.

The truth is that regardless of how tough it is to repent to God and confess to those you have affected, not only must it be done, but if you ask it of Him, the Lord will give you the strength to endure whatever hardships may come from another person's lack of grace. One thing I do know from experience- when you confess to another person, out of love, what you have done, they will not forget it. Especially if they did not even know you had wronged them in the first place. There can be no greater testimony than to humble yourself in love to another.

And, finally, there is one more thing to learn from this passage. One of David's consistent problems in scripture was women. David by then should have know that what he had done before was not in accordance with God's law, and he should have known that he had a problem with his adulterous tendencies. And as soon as he saw Bathsheba, he should have run like hell. In fact, sexual sin is the one kind that the Bible literally tells you to run from (it says so in Proverbs, I believe), mostly because if there is one sin that can be avoided by running away from the source, adultery is it! So remember, when you are facing a stronghold...when it rears its ugly head, remember that whether you are being tested by God or tempted by Satan, you always have a way out...

Run Like Hell!

Hope From A Friend

2007-08-07T15:58:00.000-04:00

A college friend of mine who shares similar semi-awkward, geeky/nerdy traits and is generally a shy and un-socialble but deep and spiritually rich person has recently acquired a significant other (as in, in the past week or so)...I actually really feel happy for him, I'm not jealous at all. NO, seriously though, I don't :D .

If you are reading this blog, you know who you are...go, man! And go knowing that you bring hope to all shy, awkward and socially inept men!

Leadership.

2007-08-07T08:34:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I was essentially handed a big leadership responsibility...I have gone from being a musical peon who sometimes plays guitar during Monday prayer night to the guy who will be running the whole Saturday Night Alive show...I could use some prayer, that my abilities will be up to par by the time I get there, so that I can play in front of the congregation, that I will be mindful of myself and not be prideful, and that I will be challenging to others in love and be able to cope with the politics and attitudes of our group. I need to be tough, I can tell you...our two guitarists are kind of clashing right now...one is apparently being very prideful and refusing to play with the other, because the other is refusing to "get up to speed" and learn some new things...in short, I am walking into a warzone. But, as David said, the battle is the Lord's. I will stand ready for anything, knowing that he is with me.

Lurkers

2007-08-06T11:03:00.000-04:00

I know Rachel and Joanne (two people I barely or don't know outside of the interenet) in a somewhat ironic twist, post fearlessly here. I am curious as to who the "lurkers" are, that is people who read but don't post.

Scorched

2007-08-05T17:18:00.000-04:00

Here is the song I was talking about- it's pasted from Word, but wasn't typed double space, so I don't know what the deal is. Stupid HTML text. Anyway, here it is-

Scorched

You said “I know just where you’ve been,”

“Backslidden, caught in sin”

But I don’t care, ‘cause it ain’t fair

The way my heart’s been worse for wear

So here I am, just a man

Without a purpose without a plan

Tired of seeking for the truth

The flower of faith has lost its youth

How can you tell me I’ve slid so far

When you can’t see yourself for who you are

The accusations of pride you throw at my feet

Are the same demons that have got you beat

You can feed a wasted homeless man

But you look down on me whenever you can

You love the lost and you love the lame

But you can’t love your brother in the name

I opened my heart up and let you in

Let you go where no one has been

You said “I love the sinner, but hate the sin”

Well I must be blind, or have missed somethin’

‘Cause I said “I’m sorry, forgive me please”

I was humbled before God’s law on my knees

How could you say “turn the other cheek” to my face

When you couldn’t do it with live and grace

Writing Music

2007-08-03T14:47:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, I feel the urge to write music and lyrics to them. Recently, I have started writing a song about a person who was a Christian, but was "backslidden" (what conventient and vicious labels we slap onto people, and with such eagerness do we do it!), and repulsed by the hypocrisy of people who, as the famous quote goes "Declared Jesus' salvation by their lips, but went out and denied him by their lifestyle." It is a song that talks about what has been done to them, from their perspective.

I am advanced enough in my walk with Christ that I know how to forgive and remember that no matter what CHRISTIANS do, CHRIST is what matters above all, my relationship with Him and represenation of Him on Earth is what matters. Sometimes, I expereince behavior from my Christian brothers and sisters which, if i were not as strong in the faith as I am, would drive me away. The song I wrote is not happy, and it's not nice, but I feel that it's a necessary song to write. We have to be so careful how we treat people. Those who would have ordinarily been great workers in the Lord's Kingdom and fellow partakers of the promised paradise have been driven off by harsh words, uncaring actions and unloving attitudes of disrespect and iniquity.

Sometimes, it's not a matter of who is RIGHT and who is WRONG. It is a matter of WHO LOVES as Christ loved. Love is not merely something that drives you to tell others the Truth. Love is what makes you want to tell the Truth, and tell it in a way which meets that person where they are, and in the way they must be told which will not be destructive. I can't tell everyone the Truth the same way. True Love will drive out wrongs by its very nature. Loving God by obeying how he has asked us to behave, and loving our fellow humans by treating them as God would is the way. Is the Christ's way.

"If I speak the Gospel, but not in love, I am a clanging gong, a resounding cymbal" -Paul

This is a song about the clanging gongs of our faith, and the consequences of what they do....I'll post it when I'm finished writing it.

2 Samuel Chapter 7

2007-07-31T22:29:00.000-04:00

In this chapter, David notes that "Here I am, living in a palace of cedar, while the ark of the Lord remains in a tent."

And Nathan receives from the Lord a revelation, which is passed on to David. The Lord, in a nutshell, says "I never asked for or desired to have a house" and he also says, instead, that he will establish David's house, and that a descendant of his will be the one to build the temple (this turns out to be Solomon). The Lord promises that his kingdom shall endure forever and his throne will be established before God.

David responds by praying to the Lord in humility, thankfulness, praise, joy, and with glorification, saying "Who am I, O sovereign Lord, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?." He continues to praise the Lord for his blessings, and asks for God to fulfill his promise, "so that your name will be great forever. Let men say, 'The Lord Almighty is God over Israel!' " One thing that I am in awe of is David's sense of perspective, of how he can see himself through God's eyes, and humbles himself knowing how small he is, and it is incredible that he glorifies God in every turn. The amazing thing being is that he has given over his victories to God's glory from the beginning. When he came to Goliath, he said to him:

"You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel whom you have defied. This day, the Lord will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the Earth, and the whole world will know there is a God in Israel. All those who are gathered here know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves, for the battle is the Lord's, and he will give all of you into our hands."

God's Gift to Women, Literally?

2007-07-31T08:46:00.001-04:00

Interestingly, my mom sent me an email recently about being a blessing in the lives of others, specifically women. It is her hope that unlike so many men she has encountered, I would be a blessing to women and know how to treat them right.

Some women are easy to love. Sometimes, it's hard to be a blessing to difficult people, women or not. Interestingly, and maybe this is absolutely wrong, but I have found that I have more in common with women, not less as I have gotten to know some of them. We may not express it in the same way, or arrive there in the same way, but there it is.

I think that I have blessed the lives of some women, and I don't think I have hurt or offended too many in my life, at least in the realm of college and this new chapter of my life.

Jukebox Hero

2007-07-26T10:32:00.000-04:00

I am listening to this song on the radio, it's called "Jukebox Hero" by Foreigner:

Standing in the rain, with his head hung low
Couldnt get a ticket, it was a sold out show
Heard the roar of the crowd, he could picture the scene
Put his ear to the wall, then like a distant scream

He heard one guitar, just blew him away
He saw stars in his eyes, and the very next day
Bought a beat up six string in a secondhand store
Didnt know how to play it, but he knew for sure

That one guitar, felt good in his hands
Didnt take long, to understand
Just one guitar, slung way down low
Was one way ticket, only one way to go

So he started rockin
Aint never gonna stop
Gotta keep on rockin
Someday hes gonna make it to the top

And be a juke box hero, got stars in his eyes
He's a juke box hero
He took one guitar, juke box hero, stars in his eyes
Juke box hero, he'll come alive tonight

In a town without a name, in a heavy downpour
Thought he passed his own shadow, by the backstage door
Like a trip through the past, to that day in the rain
And that one guitar made his whole life change

Now he needs to keep rockin
He just cant stopGotta keep on rockin
That boy has got to stay on top
And be a juke box hero, got stars in his eyes

Hes a juke box hero, got stars in his eyes
Yeah, juke box hero, got stars in his eyes
With that one guitar hell come aliveCome alive tonight
Yeah, hes gotta keep rockin

He just cant stop
Gotta keep on rockin
That boy has got to stay on top
And be a juke box hero, got stars in his eyes

He's a juke box hero, got stars in his eyes
Just one guitar, put stars in his eyes
Hes just a juke box hero, aah aah aah
Juke box hero, juke box hero, hes got stars in his eyes

Stars in his eyes

...it's like Ziggy Stardust (Bowie)/Shooting Star (Bad Company), except the protagonist doesn't die in the end...

2 Samuel Chapter 6: Praising the Lord

2007-07-26T10:11:00.000-04:00

I recently led a study on 2 Samuel, Chapter 6. In it, David's forces, flush with victory, bring the ark of the covenant to Jerusalem, but on the way a man touches the ark and does. So David sends the ark to another man's house in fear. Then, when he has heard that the Lord has lessed the man's house, he has it brought back to Jerusalem the way it should be, and dances before the Lord and "worshiped with all his might". His wife, Michal, sees this and hates David in her heart, and rebukes him saying that a king should not disrobe and lower himself to the level of slaves. David replies that in the eyes of the Lord and himself, he is nothing more than that, and that by becoming as the people, David is glorified by them.

The part about the Ark aside, I have to try and learn to be more like David and less like Michal. There have been times where I have been judgemental of epople who serve the Lord with joy, and I often accuse them of being false or smarmy, and not genuine in their behavior (in my heart, not to their face). But I need to be the one who is genuine and worships out of honesty and with fearlessness as David did.

The Christ tied this in well, in the Gospel of Mark when the discpiples are agruing amongst themselves who is the greatest as they walk to Capernaum. He told them that if you wish to be the greatest, then you must make yourself the servant of all. David danced before the Lord stripped of his kingly garments with the slaves and common people. Christ died lower than anyone else on the Earth, condemned, cursed, and hated as a crucified ciminal would be.

And so I must be, willing to take up my cross and follow the Lord, praising with all my might.

I am something of a perfectionist; in whatever I do, I like to do it well and see it through to the end. Anything less than a good job in my work that pleases my boss frustrates me. I want to be able to worship, using my instruments that I am fortunate to have. This means that I should practice often, so that when I worship the Lord, I can worship with all my might and skill.

In the end, I want to hear, more than anything else, "Well done good and faithful servant."

I would have it no other way.

A Minor Detail...

2007-07-24T14:31:00.000-04:00

I led my first worship last night! Woohoo! Me and Joey both carried the day. The enemy doesn't stand a chance when we're both there, praisin' our hearts out!

...of course, Joey is a much more competent guitarrador than I am, but still, I was pleased to finally show the world (well Monday night worship and prayer group, anyway) what it might sound like if a drunk orangutang was given a guitar and some worship songs!

I played Lord I Lift Your Name on High, Amazing Grace, and...golly, what was that other one [Create In Me A Clean Heart]? Well a third song that I like :D .When my vast library of 3 songs was exhausted, Joey picked up the slack and carried on. It was really good.

And in case you're wondering, I didn't look at all like I did on the picture below.

"I'm the One" by Van Halen

2007-07-24T09:21:00.000-04:00

As an aside to whatever discussions may be going on here, I thought I'd take a minute to say that "I'm the One" by Van Halen has to be , in my mind, the PERFECT rock song. It made me damn near start head banging in the office. I was sitting in my office chair bounching up and down, but in my head I was doing this:

Being a Christian is Hard

2007-07-24T08:44:00.000-04:00

This whole "love everybody" thing is difficult. I now have so many people I know that it's crazy. At least to me. I find it dificult to keep up with them all. Let alone keep some of them in prayer. I barely pray as it is.

Know this: If I'm praying for you, I really must care a lot, because praying solo is hard for me. IN groups? Not a problem. The Holy Spirit is so much more potent in groups, I barely have to make any effort. But when I pray alone, my mind wanders badly. I'll literally drift off to sleep mid-prayer if I'm praying in bed.

I have a pretty heavy prayer burden this week, or at least heavy for me. Liz, Joey, Mark, Adam, Jess, Jen, Lindsay, Virginia, Graham, Ben, Rachel (yes, you Rachel), Taka, Ishmael, Rebecca (the woman Graham is trying to witness to), My mother, this woman in a coma who a friend of mine needs me to pray for, and last but not least, myself, who I rarely pray for. And anyone else the Lord puts on my heart.

I need to learn how to pray constantly, at any time in the day, so that I will be able to pray for all this.

Paperwork Makes Me Want to Offer Up the University to the Lord...OT style.

2007-07-22T17:05:00.000-04:00

I am now in a sea of college spawned paperwork. Also, I need to start looking at some possible scholarships...I'm probably too late for all of them, but I should at least know about them for next year. When it comes to getting scholarships, I really do suck. I'm very lazy. Part of it is because I loathe all the paperwork and hours of researching...it's annoying. I'd rather be living life, or even trimming the hedges than be scholarship hunting.

Amazingly, I went completely debt free my first year thanks to tireless efforts from my mother (love you, mummy!) and my Grandparents on both sides pitching in. But I can't rely on my mother bailing me out forever, and I need to become savvy at getting these scholarships, or to the loan sharks (aka banks/lending institutions) I go...

There is one Calvin and Hobbes comic where Calvin's dad is trying to teach him math. Calvin states that he'll just find a job that doesn't involve addition. Calvin's dad asks him what real job could possibly not involve math, to which Calvin replies, "I'll be a caveman!". Sometimes, I want to be a caveman...but I feel that through my college experience, God has been equipping me to do things in his name. I have learned so much in just one year, academically and spiritually. If I have to, I'll take out loans, but whatever I do, I plan on finishing.

Even if it means I have to suffer through this insufferable paper work to do so.

Battle Favors the Prepared

2007-07-20T13:47:00.001-04:00

The past few weeks, I've had my eye open for good locations to take theoretical girlfriend who certainly does not exist. Being a bit of a romantic and someone who loves the outdoors, I've been noting beautiful places outdoors where we could meet and have picnics and such. It's kind of fun, acually, coming up with ideas for dates (even if you don't have someone to take them on). It's also challenging to find good ideas when you have a low budget and no car.

I also need to practice some good songs I can sing to the theoretical girlfriend who certainly does not exist. "Something" by the Beatles comes to mind. Also, "From the Beginning" by Emerson, Lake and Palmer.

My only problem is that these types of things I think of aren't really "first date" kind of things, they're more "ninth or tenth date" kind of things, when the relationship is more developed. The first few dates are going to be hard...I don't want to do anything too cheap, but don't exactly want to do a meal at Le Bec Fin, either. Nor do I want to do something SUPER fun...that sounds counter-productive, but why show my hand so early?

I think I've got it:

-Introductory Dates: 1 & 2 Probably just meals and talking (not that others won't include this, but these will be more "screening" dates, I guess, just to ensure my hunch that I'd like her in a more romantic sense were correct)

-"Keep Her Interested/Start Bonding via adventures" Dates: 3-5 do fun & exciting things to make her more interested, and to show that I'm not a bore...and to help us get closer.

-Late stage dates : Hopefully by this point, I won't have to jump through flaming hoops to keep her around (like on dates 3-5), she should like me enough that me being me will be the big draw, not what we're doing (and vice versa). This means romantic stuff, like cooking meals, picnics, watching the stars, and serenades. Not that I plan on stopping with the "Fun and exciting" dates, but they shouldn't be completely necessarry by now.

First Topic: Facial Hair

2007-07-20T12:41:00.000-04:00

So, here is a topic I've been wondering about, maybe the ladies can help me.

Facial hair. Yes, or no? Currently, I've got a moustache and some chin hair (dunno what to call it). Last time I tried to grow it in, it was kinda thin and bad looking (I looked like a mexican immigrant), now it's coming in a little darker and thicker than before.

One girl complemented me on it, which is pleasing. But still, I'm just curious, is there some kind of consensus among women?

Ladies and Getlemen, Start Your Engines!

2007-07-20T12:33:00.000-04:00

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Thought Engine, aka David Hynes' blog. Like peeing in the ocean, really, but what the heck- maybe I'll make some kind of a difference. I hope you enjoy being here, and I hope I never get too whiny.